Balcony Sessions: July 12th 2012 8pm

These are the balcony sessions:

The unhappy are often the greatest poets. Nobody ever picked up a pen and paper when they are satisfied with life.
So now you know a bit of context.
I don't think this mess of words with no real direction will ever be comprehended at a later time. I think it's best for all parties involved.

I wonder when was the last time I just sat and looked. The combination of Fahrenheit 451 by Ray (as explained by John Green) along with a status update of another of my friend finding an SO messes with your head a little. That, along with some travel fatigue.

Here I am, eating the shittiest pizza of my life along with some Fanta, writing on the back of a pizza menu, in Milan of all places.

Have I ever mentioned how beautiful horizons are. I guess technically it's all one long horizon. When I first started this trip, I was in the Van Gogh museum and many artists were lamenting the vanishing of nature everywhere as everyone moved towards city life. I remember walking along those aisles thinking, what could be so great about nature. Stop being such pussies.

Today I'm watching the sky from the balcony, the soft blend from pink to green to blue.

I'm not sure if I really want to go home. I guess I want to do both just as badly.
In retrospect, I should have kept the lid close. My shitty pizza is now cold as well.
I think I just want a friend to talk to. Recently, I found out that I lost her number. I actually lost my SIM card a few weeks back and the only reason I frantically checked my contacts was to make sure I didn't lose my only way to contact her. Yesterday, I found out that of all the contacts that I saved, hers was the only one that did not have a number attached to a name.

Fahrenheit 451 reminds us of the concept of mindless entertainment. That I could forget what I just watched on the telly not 5 minutes ago. I'm genuinely afraid I have become that. To be not dead but not really alive.
When was the last time you felt alive? Asked John. I couldn't answer. Has my memory really gotten that bad or is my life really that pathetic?
Neither sounds promising.

We all look for quick escapes. Drugs, food, drinks, sex. "The little death" Le petit I can't remember. That's how the French describe the orgasm. Is life so meaningless that we see escape, many willing to risk injury or death to do so?

I don't know.

A week ago I made the realization that I was only attracted to her because she remained the only female peer I have "semi-regular" contact with.
A smart person once told me that what I feel is not so much jealousy or envy of love, but more of an envy or jealousy of time lost among friends. By all accounts that makes sense, but it doesn't make me feel better. I still feel whatever it is that I feel inside and there's no one around to get it out. When I finally do see my friends, my jaws will probably shut tight and nothing will come out. It's strange how the truth is never kind. Yet, it is the one thing I seek in life.

I wrote once that this feels like losing a race nobody knew they were participating in. I don't know why.

I think I'm tired of hearing "I'll find you" or "I'll ask you" when nobody seems to do so. When you have some quiet to yourself, you do a lot of thinking. I'm having a lot of quiet these past few days. I'm not so sure I like it.
I feel like I can no longer use my mouth. Like words stop coming out the moment they carry any depth or emotion. I need a pen or a computer to put any thoughts into the physical realm. It feels really weak.

Now the sky has turned a lighter shade of purple.

I met a person who asked me why bother living if there is no heaven.

What if there wasn't?
I could never wrap my head around his logic.

Right now my thoughts are so segmented, they are just a string of phrases that jolt in and out of my head.
I can now smell the night coming in as the sky turns ever so dimmer.

Milan is supposedly renowned for its nightlife. I always gave people the excuse that it sucks to go clubbing by your lonesome self. I have a secret to admit. I've actually rejected invitations on 2 separate occasions to party, giving some lame excuse each time. I don't know why. Maybe I'm just not secure enough to drink alcohol.

I'm really tired now. My entire face feels like it's drooping. But if I know myself well enough, I'm probably going to stay up using my laptop later.
I envy the optimists. I sit here thinking I'm going to have these sessions 10 years from now in the exact same state and I wonder how they keep going each and every day.

I'm suddenly reminded of my friend's death. Sometimes I wonder if I qualify to call him a friend when I was never that close to him. The sky is now a pretty even shade of grey, with a bit of light still coming from the right.

Streetlights are starting to come on now.

Time to time, I still think about him. How I'd rather take his place instead, or use any of the thousands upon thousands less great than him.

We never became great poets because we were happy.

Thanks for listening to me talk about myself.


P.S. 24/7/12: For clarification, there are actually 2 "hers" in this wall of text, spread over 4 pages of A4 paper. I've done as little editing as I can, just commas and fullstops here and there, to retain the scattered "style" of writing. I think enough time has passed that I'm at least somewhat detached from those emotions that day. Well, writing it down certainly helped.

Singapore and the push for a "well-rounded" education

Post Script: This was not what i planned to write initially a few weeks ago when i said i had stuff i wanted to say. That one mostly pertained to the City Harvest Church scandal and the case where some guy lost his rifle to a worker with a screwdriver.


I just wrote this after watching a video on youtube and felt some words on my brain that I wanted to get out on paper.

My single greatest fear should the government succeed in pushing for an all-rounded education is that if raffles and all the other top schools start taking it seriously, our mentality will change from seeking exam-smart students to seeking to be the best at everything from sports to music to arts to academia. We have a messed up mentality, especially at the top, of wanting to be the best or the first at anything and everything. If the criteria switches (or more likely evolves slowly over time into such a state), we will eventually start looking for "perfect" people who are good at everything and that simply doesn't exist. Our blind enthusiasm towards "being the best" will lead to people not committing suicide because they scored a C or D in major exams, but because they couldn't run fast enough, even though they've been good at everything else. It's always a pity when kids kill themselves because they think they are failures at life for failing exams. I don't want that to spread to the rest of their pursuits. I want kids to fail. I want them to screw up at painting or running or guitar because that's where they learn some  goddamn humility, not shame for trying and failing.

Think about the way we treat CIP and voluntary work and you can see a little of what might possibly happen with pushing all fronts. The environment at the top currently, is that more or less everyone will do CIP but often for less than satisfactory reasons. Many of them hate doing it, but just suck thumb and do it. This may not be a overall majority opinion but we know it happens and we can assume it's not an extreme minority. I don't want to music or arts or sports to evolve into something kids hate doing just to pull up their resume or testimonials. I want there to be something worth doing just for the sake of doing it.

The entire idea of a well-rounded education is not to produce people who are good at everything. Singaporeans and people everywhere must always remember that. It is to protect people whose interests and talents lie outside the academic sphere. It should be more of a safety net to catch those who can't perform in exams. Because those people aren't useless. They certainly aren't useless for getting F at math. They may be amazing tailors or athletes or guitarists. Education is supposed to help everyone, including people like them.

Education is not linear.

to be written. at some point provided I don't lose interest

Yes, i also have some stuff I want to write here but I don't have time to write them here.