4 moaning sessions

4 moaning sessions

~~~

So i had this girl who just dropped out of her tasked job in rhoc. dont worry she didnt go as far as to drop out of everything, thank goodness. but it was still jarring.

it was so jarring in fact i had to screenshot 15 pages of the chat log and send to my friend to help me analyse if i said anything stupid. i didn't. according to him anyway. the closest we got to anything going wrong was the fact that i pushed the fact that my experience was telling her not to do something that she wanted to do. apparently, saying that reminded my friend of when his boss used to "push" him around using experience as the excuse, but even he admits he was in the wrong for feeling like this, regardless of whether the boss was right or wrong.

maybe its a gen-y thing. maybe we've learnt to grow up needing to know the reason behind everything that we cant simply accept something is something because somebody said it is. we have to know why or we'll be mopey, pissed off or unmotivated.

~~~

i dont think i have even learnt the basics of how to communicate with people in nus.

a good while ago, i decided i wasn't going to chase after nus girls anymore. this came after i stopped focusing on one particular girl (i.e. she rejected me) and started focusing on everyone. it turns out i dont click well with anyone in this rung of society. i always say something stupid and the people here cant seem to brush it off and accept that someone as stupid as myself is breathing the same air as them. or i always say something hurtful and people here will hold it against me every time they have to utter a word in my presence. maybe i shouldn't say anything at all.

im used to being the underdog, surrounded by other underdogs, where success is not guaranteed, and if you get it, you are the fortunate one out of 100. but that doesn't matter to the underdogs, because they will still cheer you on, knowing that one of them is now going further than anyone ever expected, and be genuinely happy about it. not very different from how you cheer when your countrymen won a medal, even though you don't have any connection to it at all.

i dont belong in nus. she doesn't seem to agree with what i want to do.

i want to step down the ladder a few steps and hang out with people there. who are hopefully more like me than i care to admit, and click on a more basic level. i hope this is not a the grass is always greener on the other side scenario.

i stretched too far to get into nus anyway. i dont belong here.

i dont like the value system here. you are nothing if you have no value to someone else. it works like this in hall. it works like this in school. it works like this in administration. your opinion doesnt matter if you are not important to someone somewhere. you dont matter if you have no value.

i dont like people not being recognized or respected for the work they put in. when you get high enough and all responsibilities and tasks and titles and ranks seem to blend into one crazy mix, its easy to forget to acknowledge those that made your life easier. we have expectations of people but we never celebrate them, however horrid or fantastic of a job they did. we don't. we don't vilify the terrible leaders nor do we celebrate the good ones. we just let them go through the revolving door and watch another helpless sap realize what he's gotten himself into.

and people also regularly forget that the people under them need their support. they need to know that people appreciate their work. because this is not a job. there has never been an obligation to do this. i'm putting my free time to use here because i believe in something worthwhile, something greater than myself. and then you treat me like i'm just another worker here to get the job done and go home. for what? i don't even get to bring any bacon home, why should i do a job for you? we've forgotten what it means to aspire to something greater, and maybe, just maybe, we've lost a bit of humanity.

i guess i just dont like being here.

~~~

making mistakes is fine. whats complicated is knowing in advance someone under your charge will make a mistake, and letting them do it anyway.

this has happened a few times already over the past year. and i never know how to handle it. and i don't really have anyone to talk to because everyone here is a jerk and i hate them.

so it's strange watching a tragedy unfold exactly as how you've predicted it. and i guess i do have some responsibility in preventing such tragedies in the first place. but how far do you go? do you just dictate anything and everything that needs to be done? that's the role of a salaryman. that's not why i took this responsibility.

i have far greater motivations than merely dictating instructions to robots

~~~

i'm not happy with who or where i am now, but i think i'm comfortable here.

here's the logic behind it. i'm not happy with myself, because of poor self-confidence, bad experiences, whatever. i tell people about it, and inevitably, they will say i need to change who i am. but i will always be so vehemently against change that i even outright lie to them and say i'm happy with who i am now. i never am. so naturally, it leads to the fact that there must be something about the here and the now that i'm unwilling to change. maybe im too afraid of change. maybe i dont want to work myself hard in order to change. maybe i'm just lazy.

i don't like who i am or where i am now. but not enough to try to change.

maybe i'd just rather moan than actually try to become happy.

~~~

Compromise, Ideal,and Perfect

This is 2 years in review.

I will probably focus more on school stuff, over hall stuff, or even family and relationship stuff, because there isn't the time to talk about those, but you may see some cross-overs here and there. Because life's like that. Nothing's mutually exclusive.

That's a really interesting thought to think about. When I started school, like many people before me, I had this mentality that I was going to focus on school and then just pick up the other parts of my life during the holidays. Everything seemed to be planned out nicely; I would focus on just getting schoolwork done, then either go on holidays to unwind or commit to Orientation camp committee during the 3-month summer break so that I could remain in hall, which is what I really needed to just even be on track to finish schoolwork on time. That sounded like a solid plan.

But what they don't tell you is that you will end up picking up pieces.

Time passes by very quickly when you're in a studio. It feels like every moment is dragged on when you're inside, but as soon as you leave, you see people moving on without you. Every time vacation rolls around and then I find out X and Y have done this and A is going to retire or whatever. It shakes me at the core to fully comprehend that people are moving on, and they are moving on whether I'm in their lives or not.

2 years in, and I still haven't found this elusive thing called "work-life balance"

I made the "mistake" of committing to the wrong thing in my first year. Like I said, I compartmentalized my life into school time, followed by hall time, followed by NS and overseas time, followed by orientation camp time and then back to school. The problem with that is that other people "socialise" throughout this entire period, but I've managed to break them up into chunks, often with too much intensity and not spread out enough. My family went through a brief period of bad times during my year 1 and it was the first time I broke down as a result of stress. I just huddled with my dog at the stairs and cried for a good while, and then once more a day later when my parents probed me after realizing something was wrong. I'm not really ashamed that I broke down even though I don't really discuss it with people outside my circle of trust. (that circle is extremely small.) Suffice it to say, it wasn't one big reason, like a close family member passing away, but a series of small events that converged at the same time and the fact that they happened almost successively (or at least the time that I was informed of them). I remember the exact reason I broke down the first time was because after a hard 3 days at the studio, I thought I would be able to rest my mind and body, only to realize that there were in fact more problems at home that I just hadn't been aware of. It's like something snatching away your chair just before you sat down when you've been walking for miles and miles. It makes you feel totally helpless and just stunned that you couldn't even rest properly.

Then I made the mistake of forgetting I need to rest in year 2. I remember talking with my supervisor at my part-time job about my availability over the next few months, and it slowly drifted toward the direction of how I handled my time. I have never been this exhausted over such an extended period of time and yet this is the semester where I have slept the most throughout. It is true that I have actually done more deeds this sem than any other, possibly in my life, but I have come to the conclusion that I do not have the stamina, both physical and mental, to keep going at this pace. When I was 18, I roomed with this RJC kid during an inter-JC conference. I peeked at his desktop and it happened to be his monthly schedule and it is packed with colours. This is the first time I've resorted to using google calendar, and when I look back at the stuff I've done, my mind takes a mental sigh of relief and panic at the same time, because it's still intimidating today.

I hope it's not too late to "repair" my relationships with peers. Both in school, hall and outside. Too many friendships have ended in "we just drifted away" and I thank whatever god or gods that are watching over me that I remember to take the time to appreciate my circle of trust. Those 3 misfits are the only people I have poured out to more than anyone else and I owe them so much more than they owe me. The strange thing about all 3 is that those friendships are built almost exclusively as we were leaving each other's presences. They were built as we left school, rather than when we were in it. Maybe it's the absence that reminds us of each others' importance. I don't have the same level of trust with anyone in hall currently, and it's definitely not something that you can force.


I've done all in this sem that I can think of. I've made the most of the opportunities that hall has presented me at this current time. I've tried working for actual money when just a mere 12 months ago, I thought it would have been impossible. I've picked myself up after a terrible interim crit to make something of it, and become sufficiently proud of it to include it in my RIBA portfolio. And I couldn't have done this without my peers and mentors. But all of these remain very professional relationships. I won't ever forget the help and guidance they have rendered me, but they are, at its core, a relationship of necessity. I'm not going to walk into someone's room and spill out my guts in the middle of the night because I don't have that type of friend here on campus. And vice versa, nobody's going to come into my room with anything other than work-related stuff to discuss. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I do know that it's a thing that's missing in my life and I can't judge that which I have no experience in.

~

I started this post thinking that I would write about the inadequacy of architectural education. Now, I seem to just be lamenting the losses that I never knew I signed up for when I accepted this course.

I don't know how much I regret, or if I do regret anything at all. I just seem to be at this crossroads where I don't really know what is the right thing to do moving forward.

Big problems, Small problems

At what point is a problem big enough to matter?

When can I rant about something without feeling guilty about it?

Like, is there an absolute scale or some relative scale?

like if some close family member passed away then I would be within my rights and also the social context to grieve semi-openly.

but if I were sitting beside someone whose entire family was kidnapped and murdered, then I would feel bad about ranting, ON TOP of me already feeling bad about the thing that happened.

Of course the scale is a bit insane so it's sort of easy to say that both persons are not "discouraged" to rant because of the absolute horror of what happened to either of them.

My situation (which seems to happen quite a lot over the few years) is that a lot of my problems often feel insignificant because they are often internalized. As in, they are often things that seem to be only in my head, like maybe I assume people judge me or I'm overanalyzing what people are doing, or I'm anticipating rejection and just lists and lists of things like that.

Because it's easy to talk about things that actually have happened. I can give you an example that isn't so close to home so I don't feel uncomfortable talking about it. Let's say I screwed up a presentation and I'm in a terrible mood. It's very easy to explain that things that went wrong, like for example, I wasn't able to finalize my design until only 1 hour left so I had to rush out the production, meaning I had no time to prepare myself to talk. Then at the same time, the tutor decided to randomize the name list, so instead of the 5th or 6th speaker which I expected, I suddenly became first with no warning. So I went up to the front and said everything I could pull out of my brain, resulting in a very disorganized experience for the listeners because they don't know what's inside my head. The tutor said that she was disappointed because there was a lot of potential in the product but the explanation was too off.

These are things that are "easy" to say because there are very clear things that happened or there are very clear cause-and-effect things going on (randomize name list -> suddenly first -> too kan chiong to say anything coherently)

What's difficult to say is the before, in between and after. The thoughts that happen in your head. Because there isn't anything to "tie them down" and link to something, the problem feels like its all in your head. It feels insignificant, as if someone can just say: "just don't think so negatively la"

I'll expand on the previous scenario to give a sense of what I'm talking about. At this point, I need to remind you that this didn't happened but it's "in line" with the problems I try to describe about in my head. The word disappointing will linger in my head. I will think about the times when it felt so promising to finally be able to do something somewhat deserving of a good grade; or even at least praise, which so seldomly befalls this dumb person. Then I'll start thinking about what could have been or even why I'm so dumb to do this instead of that. Is it because I'm really that terrible or just that I'm surrounded by people who are so much more talented my work just looks like primary school beside theirs. Then I'll think about getting maybe a B- or C+, which will definitely severely hamper my chance of going on Exchange Program, because that's the only thing I care about regarding my studies. I'll think about the hordes and hordes of people who are so much smarter than me on paper that they get a free ride without an interview, Then I'll remember that I actually failed interviews before so maybe it's not that i suck on paper, but face-to-face too. Because that would make a lot of sense since I've never made a good impression on people before. Now, I'm just so overly focused on the POSSIBILITY of being shot down that I start to think about other things that I could get shot down for, like not being able to get the jersey and play softball in hall. Or that time I failed the interview to go for overseas CIP, or the time this girl rejected me for another guy and so on and so forth.

Imagine in that scenario, the screwing up of the presentation is not the shit part. I don't really know how to describe it because it feels like its not "real". None of my "problems" feel real. I'm not in despair because I failed my PSLE, I'm in despair because I might not get into where I want to go. Does that even make any sense??

And on top of that, trying to hold everything together because you don't know who you can be vulnerable with and not be judged and have their perception of you change overnight. My mum has told me before that I'm the kind of guy who will store and store everything inside until it bursts one day. Now the bubble is still building up; it just feels weird not telling someone.

P.S. Sometimes I really wish someone will discover this blog and then sms me out of the blue and ask "are you ok?" and then I'll say "no la why you ask". It's just one of my fantasies I guess.

P.P.S I didn't start this post thinking I'll go so personal into this, just maybe like an intellectual exercise at the start then everything started leaking out.

If I...

I think there's a part of our brain, and most people probably have this, that always harps on this. The idea that if I had this or if I were this or if I did this, then I would achieve everything that I wanted. As if once you had that thing, you'd be happy, or at least satisfied. Gatsby had his green light. Tons of other fictional characters have their own whatevers.

I have a whole laundry list of them.

But they aren't important. They serve as an excuse. On my better days, I'd like to think that I'm better than such pointless qualifiers. As if I needed my own brain to tell me I'm not handsome enough or didn't own a car.

But it's not really something you can control, is it? It's something that just slips in when your subconscious decides to be a bitch. I know in my conscious mind that being richer won't solve all of my problems, but the caveman part of mind loves to bring it up as if it's the end-all-be-all of solutions. As if being fitter would somehow magically solve all my problems.

I think at the same time, it's sort of liberating to have such an excuse. The better man would say that we have to rise up beyond our weaknesses. But I'm not that man, I've come to terms with that. So I kind of like having that responsibility taken away from me in the form of a simple excuse. "Well, if I were the chairperson, I'd solve everything" haha...ha

~

I always wondered where my problems would lead me. I'm not a generally happy person. But I don't think it's because good things don't happen to me, just that my brain refuses to accept happy memories. To be honest, it sounds insane, but I can't retain happy memories. I can barely retain ok memories, like sitting in school and chilling with friends, but they aren't like HAPPY happy memories, they are just mundane and like "at peace" moments. But on the other hand, I can remember WAY worse things, and especially stupid details about things that make me unhappy, angry, disappointed, etc. Because they have a much greater impact on me as a person, compared to the peaceful ones. They are the ones that sort of shape you, for better or worse.

Sometimes, I'll look back at my old blog entries and realize that I was actually happy at particular moments in time. But I just can't remember them. I can't ever really remember being happy. Which is weird because I do feel happiness in that moment. I know that, as in I KNOW that consciously. But I can't recall them on the days when I'm not particularly happy. It's like when you can't put on a blanket or find something hot when you're cold, even though you can physically feel heat. Something like that.

last one before dawn

one last stream-of-consciousness post before I sleep. That means, no editing, just thoughts in barely readable sentences.

So right now, every time i go onto facebook or talk to my friends, I feel a tinge of regret because I really missed out on a lot of things. This feeling is strongest when it comes to hall events because it's people you see on a daily basis and even better, you see them AFTER you finish school, when you start to chill.

Next year, I'm probably going to join at least one sport and RHOC, assuming it doesn't create a horrifying experience for me. I want to do more, I want to participate more, and I want to make more meaningful connections. At this point in time, I allocate roughly 95% of my time to my school work and 5% to Hall. To break it down, I spend approximately 2-4 hours per week for hall stuff, including meetings and making stuff like posters and decorations, while I spend about, 12x7 =84 hours a week doing school work. Because school of architecture is ridiculous.

And right now, I am incredibly disillusioned with school work. I don't see the point of an education under these tutors and TAs. I honestly don't see myself doing much more poorly if I hadn't spent that much time on it. It feels like one of those things when you put in hard time and get pretty much the same result as if you spent like an hour on it. It's just ridiculous. And because of my school work, I have missed out on so many times when I could be hanging out with friends and enjoying life.

and the weird thing is, I wouldn't feel this way if the time I put into school work bore any fruit. It's easy to regress into the high school mentality of studying during last minute because it's not like it's going to make much of a difference.

when i see pictures of Dinner and Dance on facebook, i get pretty upset that i had to miss it because of school work. and like what i said above, since it doesn't bear fruit, it doesn't seem like a fair exchange. Why be miserable and learn so little and worse have little to prove for it, when I could be out enjoying the company of friends and have just as little to prove for it.

Every time a social gathering or just talk cock session arises, I find myself consciously sacrificing that moment. those moments start to accumulate and they become a blotch on these memories. What could have been instead of what it is now.

It is quite disappointing.

I'm not sure how much more I'm willing to commit to Hall stuff next sem. I'm really leaning on the side of spending more time in hall, simply because it's a more meaningful experience, both in terms of people and in terms of spirit. It seems stupid to sacrifice relationships for something that's not producing results. It barely even produces any meaningful lessons or educational worth.

I think I've gotten over the naive expectation of semi-greatness (which never really even happened in JC or high school, I just expected to be mediocre throughout.) 2 semesters worth of pointless soul sucking work has taken its toll i guess. I was lucky enough to have a good tutor in sem 1 so I didn't struggle as hard, or to put it in another way, my struggles felt like they were in a good direction, so even when i fell, i knew my face was pointing towards where I wanted to go.

This sem is shit. I honestly loved my 2 lecturers for Akicon and Climate responsive Arch, both of whom are senior lecturers and very good at what they do. But i think its something more. It feels like they both care about their area of expertise and more importantly, they care about the students. Maybe it's something that comes with age.

I realized I've been pretty selfish this semester. All my thoughts have been about myself. It feels somewhat like it violates my spirituality. As if some higher mental capacity is calling me to resist this natural urge and I have failed somewhat spectacularly throughout university. It never became this bad. I haven't been THIS pre-occupied with my own thoughts about myself for a while, especially when I'm doing work. I usually do it only when I'm reflecting. It used to be something I could put aside when I needed to focus on getting something done. Now, it's just ridiculous i guess.

So Here's the Truth

Partially anyway.

I no longer expect to do well this semester. I had pretty high hopes at the start of the sem, but after everything that's been going on recently, it's getting harder and harder to keep those hopes up.

The reason my last post was of Aang the monk meditating was that well and truly, I expected to use this short 1-week break to sort out my thoughts. All of them.

As of Friday, 3.43 am, I've had maybe one day to do it, less actually. And nothing's really been sorted out. In fact, I broke down even harder at home than I did at school.

The weird thing is that it's really all just small minor things, not like somebody died or me getting expelled. It's just really minor things that happened to hit all at the same time. It's overwhelming. And I'm having trouble picking myself up. The things I used to do that sort of gave me a little encouragement seemed to disappear. My old friends aren't at the studio much now and I've stopped talking to my old kakis in the hall.

This embargo that I've set (for myself) was intended to see or show how much I was valued as a friend, how much my "friends" would need or miss me when I go. I ended up proving how needy I was. I am genuinely disgusted with that. I sought to be independent most of my life and today, I find myself struggling to stand up.

The small silver lining is that at least, unlike last time, only half of these things are caused by myself.

I don't know what to do and I just want to let go. Of everything. I haven't had an emo post like this in a really long time. That was intentional. I wanted to put that side of me in a closet and lock it up.

I am sick and disgusted of myself for all of my problems. For once, I don't blame anybody else for all that has happened. It's enlightening, and yet burdensome at the same time.

All I know is today, I'm not happy with this version of Glennard.

Balcony Sessions: July 12th 2012 8pm

These are the balcony sessions:

The unhappy are often the greatest poets. Nobody ever picked up a pen and paper when they are satisfied with life.
So now you know a bit of context.
I don't think this mess of words with no real direction will ever be comprehended at a later time. I think it's best for all parties involved.

I wonder when was the last time I just sat and looked. The combination of Fahrenheit 451 by Ray (as explained by John Green) along with a status update of another of my friend finding an SO messes with your head a little. That, along with some travel fatigue.

Here I am, eating the shittiest pizza of my life along with some Fanta, writing on the back of a pizza menu, in Milan of all places.

Have I ever mentioned how beautiful horizons are. I guess technically it's all one long horizon. When I first started this trip, I was in the Van Gogh museum and many artists were lamenting the vanishing of nature everywhere as everyone moved towards city life. I remember walking along those aisles thinking, what could be so great about nature. Stop being such pussies.

Today I'm watching the sky from the balcony, the soft blend from pink to green to blue.

I'm not sure if I really want to go home. I guess I want to do both just as badly.
In retrospect, I should have kept the lid close. My shitty pizza is now cold as well.
I think I just want a friend to talk to. Recently, I found out that I lost her number. I actually lost my SIM card a few weeks back and the only reason I frantically checked my contacts was to make sure I didn't lose my only way to contact her. Yesterday, I found out that of all the contacts that I saved, hers was the only one that did not have a number attached to a name.

Fahrenheit 451 reminds us of the concept of mindless entertainment. That I could forget what I just watched on the telly not 5 minutes ago. I'm genuinely afraid I have become that. To be not dead but not really alive.
When was the last time you felt alive? Asked John. I couldn't answer. Has my memory really gotten that bad or is my life really that pathetic?
Neither sounds promising.

We all look for quick escapes. Drugs, food, drinks, sex. "The little death" Le petit I can't remember. That's how the French describe the orgasm. Is life so meaningless that we see escape, many willing to risk injury or death to do so?

I don't know.

A week ago I made the realization that I was only attracted to her because she remained the only female peer I have "semi-regular" contact with.
A smart person once told me that what I feel is not so much jealousy or envy of love, but more of an envy or jealousy of time lost among friends. By all accounts that makes sense, but it doesn't make me feel better. I still feel whatever it is that I feel inside and there's no one around to get it out. When I finally do see my friends, my jaws will probably shut tight and nothing will come out. It's strange how the truth is never kind. Yet, it is the one thing I seek in life.

I wrote once that this feels like losing a race nobody knew they were participating in. I don't know why.

I think I'm tired of hearing "I'll find you" or "I'll ask you" when nobody seems to do so. When you have some quiet to yourself, you do a lot of thinking. I'm having a lot of quiet these past few days. I'm not so sure I like it.
I feel like I can no longer use my mouth. Like words stop coming out the moment they carry any depth or emotion. I need a pen or a computer to put any thoughts into the physical realm. It feels really weak.

Now the sky has turned a lighter shade of purple.

I met a person who asked me why bother living if there is no heaven.

What if there wasn't?
I could never wrap my head around his logic.

Right now my thoughts are so segmented, they are just a string of phrases that jolt in and out of my head.
I can now smell the night coming in as the sky turns ever so dimmer.

Milan is supposedly renowned for its nightlife. I always gave people the excuse that it sucks to go clubbing by your lonesome self. I have a secret to admit. I've actually rejected invitations on 2 separate occasions to party, giving some lame excuse each time. I don't know why. Maybe I'm just not secure enough to drink alcohol.

I'm really tired now. My entire face feels like it's drooping. But if I know myself well enough, I'm probably going to stay up using my laptop later.
I envy the optimists. I sit here thinking I'm going to have these sessions 10 years from now in the exact same state and I wonder how they keep going each and every day.

I'm suddenly reminded of my friend's death. Sometimes I wonder if I qualify to call him a friend when I was never that close to him. The sky is now a pretty even shade of grey, with a bit of light still coming from the right.

Streetlights are starting to come on now.

Time to time, I still think about him. How I'd rather take his place instead, or use any of the thousands upon thousands less great than him.

We never became great poets because we were happy.

Thanks for listening to me talk about myself.


P.S. 24/7/12: For clarification, there are actually 2 "hers" in this wall of text, spread over 4 pages of A4 paper. I've done as little editing as I can, just commas and fullstops here and there, to retain the scattered "style" of writing. I think enough time has passed that I'm at least somewhat detached from those emotions that day. Well, writing it down certainly helped.

The Office

Another stupid professional mistake. WAH LAU EH.

Yo manners, why you gotta have so many rules man?

*depressed*

(I feel like a fifteen year old girl after writing this)

Tired

I sometimes wonder that how is it possible that at such a young age I can be so tired, and not tired in the physical sense, but just weary of the world and everything. It's a marvel how most people grow old and trudge through life as if it were mud at chest level.

A friend once asked me about dying. She said what would you have done if you knew your death was imminent, would you regret not having done enough or certain things. I would, but if it happens, it happens, I just feel as if I'm not looking forward to anything so nothing should really hold me back in that regards. Of course, I would regret things like leaving my family behind and my friends would have one less person to care about, but it's quite surreal to think about it.

To think about dying is to essentially think about leaving and not coming back. My mum and most of my relatives like to talk about dreams, particularly dreaming about my deceased grandmother. Like how she seems to be waiting for something, or holding someone's hands, or walking to or away from certain places and in certain peoples' dreams, crying. They like to speculate about how Mother was trying to send them messages, because the older generation in my family are having quite a situation with themselves over greed and such. It's not in my place to say, not that I know anything significant anyway.

In my work, I have encountered many instances where I am encouraged by people not to say anything when I don't know enough. Which is fair, because as GP teachers they apparently really listen to anything I'm trying to describe and i end up having so many holes in my descriptions that it sucks as a story.

Anyway, back to leaving, if I really hard about not doing certain things, I would have regretted not enjoying life more, like having sex or going for skydiving. But these seem trivial compared to the grief of those around me. That would really be my only concern, if any.

I just can't believe such a young mind can grow so weary despite experiencing so little.

Life is Hard

Life is hard, things are never easy, we will always find ways to look at them and find them imperfect.
But what gives us any kind of motivation to keep moving


why are we so afraid to die, so afraid to let go of the material things.
I guess what i'm trying to say is that if life is so hard, then why are we afraid of death.
why do we not look forward to it as an escape from the struggle that is life.

And i don't really have anyone to ask, because my closest friend also doesn't really look forward to life.

If i were to really dig deep, I figured the answer is the people around you that you love. It's hard to let them go.

Someone once asked me,
why do i live my life, what is my purpose for living.

I told him nothing, that i had nothing to live for.
He replied, then why are you still here? Just jump la, there's nothing here anyway.
I told him i wanted to spare my parents the agony of burying their own child.
So i rephrased my answer. It turns out that my purpose in life was to outlive them.
He asked me if i was sure that was the answer. He said that are you sure you are living now to love them?
And that sentence never really made sense to me. It was as simple as my presence alone made them feel loved. So i couldn't really take that next step and jump even if i wanted to. I owed them that much that i could not willingly do something that i know would hurt them.

Inaction, becomes an act of love then.
It sure doesn't feel like it.

I figured out a long time ago that when i no longer had anyone to live for, i wouldn't. It was as simple as that

When the day comes and no one depends on me for happiness anymore. Then i'll leave, on my own terms.

Emotionless machine

I used to think that, back when i was a very young kid, that the best say to "win" in life ( and my naivety proves itself when all i understood about life was that you either win or lose and there is a best way to go about it.) was to abstain from all emotions and work towards success based on science and logic. Emotions to me were a meaningless distraction at best and a harmful influence at worst and it had no place in life.

At this point in my life, its very hard to revisit that statement and agree with it, even though i would like to believe very much so that it could be true. Perhaps it is because now i am willing to accept that love is a fundamental, if small part of my life and the love that i have for my family and friends and my surroundings supercede that statement. In simpler terms, as much as i want to and sincerely wish to believe what i did as a child was true, i want to love the ones that i love even more and these two philosopies cannot coexist at the same time.

In 2010, most of the emotional turbulance i felt were very major in terms of impact; there were aignifcant highs and lows in that year which made those periods of "lull" for emotional roller coastal rides seem almost pleasant in retrospect, even though at that time it probably felt like i was bored out of my skull. In 2011, the emotional ups and downs happen much more frequently and even the smallest things, it seems, would affect me quite adversely, for some unknown reason. This pretty much bi-weekly state of feeling a little happy and a little sad and a little excited and a little disappointed is wreaking havoc on my "peaceful" state of mind.

To put into context, a major drop in morale would be when i failed to get into ocs or seeing my father get weak in the knees when my grandmother's body was being moved from the wake down the road to the crematorium. On the other hand, a minor but pretty regularly occuring minor drop in morale would be when somebody mentions in passing that i am incompetent or when i get shut out of a conversation when i am being serious, Or when i find out someone is withholding information for no other reason than he doesnt feel like telling you when you obviously need that information for your work.

I sort of realized how "addicted"( probably too strong for this context) i was to anger and raging at someone. Last weekend i needed to speak with my brother urgently about his behaviour for the last month, which has turned for the worst. After asking politely for 3 times and being shot down because he was more interested in iphone, i had to raise my voice to get him to understand the urgency of what i had to say. We had a talk for what feels like two hours about his worsening state of respect for people around him including his parents. Anyway after that when i came back to camp 2 days later, i was tasked to get the lecture room ready and it was in quite a mess. A fellow spec was playing the drums while i asked politely for him to clean up once. I got a meh response and i immediately raised my voice, ironically asking if he wants me to raise my voice before he starts to move. At that point, it felt like i released a flood of holding back i was doing since i came to this batalion and it felt damn good.

It really felt good to get angry even for that 3 seconds.

I haven't emo-ed in a good long time.

You don't deserve to know what happened to her

You dont deserve to know what happens
Its times like these that make me wonder if it is or ever was a good idea to make friends.
I wonder how many of my friends are willing to be honest with me. And if those who are not should i consider them my friends at all. I think i have the maturity of a fifteen year old when it comes to times like this. Like people treating you as if youre just a small kid and dont deserve to know anything. I getthat sometimes people may be guarded and they dont want to share secrets. But i seem to have friends that believe im retarded. And that i cant handle information. You know that feeling sucks.
I understand that most of the time i dont give a shit about whatever goes on with people that are two social connections away from me. But when your own friends withold information from you. Its time to think about why you consider them friends.
I used to think that i have friends because there are people i care about. People i would switch places with in an accident, in a heartbeat. i would jump in front of a train if it meant i could save them. But i found out that its hard to care for somene when you dont know anything about what goes on in their lives. Surprisingly its because you care about them. That you give a damn about their mundane details of their humdrum lives. I would never in a million years thought that not knowing about what happened to my friends when im not around would affect me ths much. But apparently it does. And its pissing me off.

I hate knowing the feeling that somebody's attitude changed and i don't know why or what happened to cause that change. I hate knowing that if it ever came to something drastic that might or might not happen and i would attend the funeral and when his parents or family ask me what happened i can't answer them.

Maybe im the asshole here. Maybe im not doing enough to find out about my friends. But how do you get more information when nobody seems willing to part with it.
Fuck tt shit.

Maybe this is all the alcohol talking but i dont feel any level of high before. Ever. Not once.

I wonder if alchol makes you more pissed.

I think smoking changes the mindset of people. People start changing theirworldview that they have somehow become bad and that the way they perceive things changes. That they start to separate people into different groups where they always appear to be agreeing with wrong people. Or maybe its the other way around. Tt they start thinking of themselves as bad or rotten apples and tts why they do the shit tt they do. I think those who actually feel guilty about what they do still have some chance of recovering from this unconscious segregation of the society around them.

Because at the end of the day, would you be able to sleep soundly at night is all that matters

Is it wrong to ask for someone to bitch to this christmas?

and yet when when that person comes, i become so focused on wanting to spend as much quality time with that person that i just forget all about kao peh ing (cursing) on all my friends and the words never come out.

im probably using ironic wrongly, but it's ironic how much i wish i had a friend to spill my guts to and yet when that person comes, i don't give a damn about any of it anymore. i guess its those moments in between working and hanging out that really eats the person up, i.e me. Also, i guess the only real way i can bitch without being hypocritical is to tell it to a stranger or in this case write it down. i mean when a person does step up and say, hey im your friend, tell me your problems. at that moment my problems literally disappear. THAT person appearing is precisely the solution to my problems.

i know its' wrong to wish the world revolves around me. i mean people have a legitimate reason to not go out with me today, for real. like work and church and stuff. but its those times where you realize that you are actually not their top priority that bugs the hell out of me. and not the kind when his/her grandma is passing away and you still feel jealous she's taking up more of your friend's time than you. that's just plain bastard. its' those times when yo feel like your friend is putting his friends above you even though you think he's closest thing you have to a friend. i guess one way to describe it would be to think that you're best friends with Felicia Chin, even though she just treats you like a hi-bye friend in college. i mean you'd think sometimes people really have legit reasons, like the fact that the time or the place wasn't firmed up so she or he made plans with other people, it happens, i accept that. but then there are times when you make plans so far ahead of time, like 2 weeks, and everybody all confirmed and stuff, then the morning she or he calls you to say, oh sorry i made plans with some other guy yesterday, totally sorry. NO YOU'RE NOT, Fuck.

i guess its' really the holidays that get to me. every holiday i find a way to mope around the house. even my brother has friends around playing dota with him.

i think i can finally understand why people become workaholics. their excuse of a life is so soul crushingly disappointing the only way they find gratification is through their achievements in the career. i probably would if i wasn't so damn lazy. but a the same time, when i see someone useless achieve the same qualifications as me, i think to me, am i really that useless? It kind of demeans whatever glory or at least pride you could have in that achievement. maybe this is what people feel when i get my grades.

i want to volunteer in disaster relief. i want to risk my life to help those in other countries dying. i want to have a legitimate reason to not be able to hang out with my friends. at leas that way, when i re-evaluate my life on my deathbed. i can say to myself. well glennard, you didn't really have much of a social life, but at least you did a lot of good to a lot of people, so i guess that makes up for it somehow.

I hope they don't judge my parents when i eventually turn out to commit suicide/be a serial killer.

FUCK.

too many people

We Don't Know Because We Don't Care

i finally figured out what's wrong with our political system

too many people

when you give too many people the same type of job, most people will stop working, giving the hardworking ones too much to do

im pretty much an oddball

i want to be the best and yet at the same time i want to do as little as possible

for some reason people seem to think these are mutually exclusive ideas, that one cannot exist without the other

so as a result i end up hanging around either people who want to do as little as possible and yet never want to achieve anything. OR people who want to be the best and yet despise me because i seem to be doing very little. hanging out with either group always leaves a sour taste in my mouth because i feel like the other half is missing

i think i fully cemented my post as the worst sergeant.

because i made a decision on the spot after AFTER asking a stupid amount of people on what was supposed to be done, and actually following their advice or instruction. only to find out i (and by extension, they) was wrong and yet the only person to have done anything about it.

there really are too many commanders in our company. it's like my hands are tied everytime somebody asks me what to do. i cannot remember the last time i told somebody about what to do in a concrete and firm manner (aside from stupid things like smoke breaks and toilet breaks) without going on the phone and asking someone else. it's like im just a messenger and my mouth is just somebody else's by extension. i can't even friggin decide on what time to fall in without 2 or 3 people breathing down on my neck, asking me why i didn't do this or why i did that. I DID THAT BECAUSE SOMEBODY ASKED FOR INSTRUCTIONS AND IT SEEMED LIKE THE ONLY THING LOGICAL AT THE TIME. it feels like nobody treats me like i have brains of any kind.

im probably being oversensitive. but i always seem to be around when bad news needs to be announced and yet conveniently lost when good news comes around.

and i become the bad guy because i had to make a decision at that point in time and now people think im incompetent even though i have yet to be punished. you know what i really hate that. in fact sometimes i hate it so much i wish i was punished so at least i get some sympathy points instead of people pointing and talking about how incompetent i am.

yeah im the bad guy. i hate being the bad guy

has it been that long

its been more than a month
and i couldn't even tell hahas

quite a few things happened this past month
for 1 thing
i participated in this little widdle third sergeantning parade thing that was just no big deal at all, not one tinsy bit

and i've also been screwing around with my iphone
apparently the ios4 does not support winterboard for per-page wallpapers
theres probably 9 of you out there going huh

but its quite hard to really explain what i've been doing exactly

but it is easy to tell you what i've been doing in camp though.
apparently being a commander means that as long as you're not wanted you can disappear to wherever you want
and by disappear to wherever you want i meant, sleep in bunk for 8 hours straight, after waking up for breakfast

also i became a detachment 2ic. im not sure if any of my non army friends know this, but that's what i've been trying not to be among the my peers, because that essentially means that i am among the bottom 5 specialists in my team of 13.

which is not really a good distinction to have

i would have actually been quite pissed or emo about it. i really would have just crashed in my bed in my army bunk if not for that fateful weekend

that very fateful weekend when i realized 1 very important thing

that i do not have a girlfriend or ever had.


i know it's difficult to jump from one conclusion about army to something about having a girlfriend
so i'm going to need to explain myself a little

so basically that weekend, i was surfing on facebook, wallowng in self-pity as usual. that usually happens when i see people talking to each other on the wall and having each others' photos up together and i get sad, that is all. and the entire morning or afternoon i was totally preoccupied with the fact that the probability of me becoming a detachment commander (basically the other appointment) was incredibly slim given that i either screwed up or people weren't watching when i did something right. so as i surf and surf through facebook. i began to notice a trend, everyone i knew were getting on with their lives, they were to Uni, getting to work learning to drive, celebrating birthdays, partying clubbing. and i'm here at home watching them on the internet. and i thought to myself, why the fuck am i still stuck in social limbo, that time between finishing A levels and enlistment where virtually no one called me out until the last 3 days.

so i started to think and obviously continue surfing, and it became obvious to me that i'm "stuck" in army, socially and emotionally, not physically, because i don't have someone outside waiting for me. i don't have a girl can or at least wants to meet me every time i get to book out of camp. i also didn't have like this bunch of friends who always had their friday and saturday nights free and lived for the nightlife and partied every chance they had, and they had each other.

now i'm not saying i don't have anything. i'm saying that i have a "few" groups of friends where 1 group is often unfortunately too busy for me, because they are busy with their own life and another where i could always hang out with for pool at hougang plaza in the afternoon but nothing much because we always seem to meet on sunday and i always have to book in at 10 which cuts short a lot of activities since its in boon lay or choa chu kang.

i mean i have to respect that my friends (and this time i'm not saying i don't have any, so don't accuse me of that) have or are living more important lives than mine and as much as i had to admit it, the only way i could get them to want to hang out with me as much as i want to hang out with them, is if there were as bored as i am, and that is not something i would want to wish on anyone.

so i figured. if i had a girlfriend or at least a girl who liked me, i knew i could look forward to booking out every time, because i knew i would be wanted at least by someone to have my company around, you know rather than just booking out so i could sleep at home at night.

and thats' how i got my mind off being the worst 5 among the sergeants. and maybe now when i tell the story like that it won't seem like a big deal. but it definitely felt like it the past 3 weeks before getting appointed.

and it sucked.

now at least the sucks part about my outside life is outweighing the sucks part about my army life.

i just realized

i haven't felt happy in a really long time.

i mean i have laughed on many different occasions throughout this period of time, but i haven't felt like walking around my house like i used to and just be satisfied with everything as it is, like i used to. and that level of happy isn't even the highest level of happy that exists. that's like just a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10. and even that i haven't felt in a long time.

maybe its' because i haven't felt like i'm doing anything positive in the world, or i'm not making any progress or something. everything just feels like a blur with the past being over too fast and the future being to slow to reach me.

or maybe its' just this perpetual level of shagness i keep feeling. there is just this tendency to sigh at everything. sigh at the computer, sigh at the dog, sigh at the clock, sigh at everything.

i wonder what drives people to smoke or drink or go on one night stands. i mean most people do it because it has become a habit to them. they are just used to lighting a cigarette everytime they are not doing anything or going to a club to grind every midnight. but its more interesting to see how they start. i mean people don't do things for no reasons. there has to be this compelling reason for them to do such a thing that they have never done before as well as a trigger, a strong push when you're already near the edge. so the interesting thing is under what circumstances do they get that, both the nearing of the edge and the big push. i think 90% of people already have something they hate in their lives, no matter how insignificant it may seem to you. a person could be worrying about his test scores while another just had his breakup, its' all pretty compelling reason to feel sad about your life, but depending on who you are it may not affect you just as severely. but more interestingly, where do they get that big push? is it when they are surrounded by friends who are just as intoxicated, or when they just feel so overwhelmed by all that emotion they just pick up the nearest stress reliever (or so they think) and do it.

i don't know

i just realised the last time i felt happy was when i was in tekong. when everyone else around me was sad. maybe i'm a sadist that way. but i felt happy waking up in the morning and knowing that i am going to train to become a better person and a better soldier. and i felt even happier during my parade when i finally "graduated" and my parents were there to see me.

and then after that, everything became pretty much meaningless. i haven't consoled in a friend in so long, it just feels so difficult. there never feels like there is a right time for this kind of thing, but yet you still know that there are things you have to get off your chest even if you can't phrase them in words and sentences. so many times of the day, i feel like my friends are all moving off without me, and it feels lonely, even though they are just standing there beside me. isn't it strange to feel lonely in a crowd of friends? and for the record, i think my friends are the greatest in the world, i just don't know how to reciprocate them.

maybe this feeling isn't sadness, maybe its' loneliness.

Week 5

this week in camp more eventful

but again cannot really say much.

i took my ippt cat today. improved most things except pull up, still zero fighter arr, sianz

then got female recruits join company next to us, but too bad the buildings not connected so cannot sneak over.

some stuff also happened in armskote during this week

we also got do new route for route march. leg pain ar

but outside camp, nothing much happen ar. my dog still misses me, my bro still wants to use the computer and my friends still have their weekends fully booked up. so life as per normal.

Strangely, Even Now, It Feels Weird To receive News Last.

o lvl results plus post 90

gt back o lvl results on thursday
not the best of results
a frigging 15
but i couldnt really complain

at first i got my paper
i was liek 15?
my cousin gt a 9
but now i realised tt
only 10 ppl in my school could have gotten 9 and above
whats more is that he could have factored in cca and bonus pts
but i couldnt care less

but i was sad at first
then i tried to laugh so that i wouldnt cry there
its more or less a simple philosophy i have
but anyway
what really pissed me wasnt really my results
my mum's godmother ( which is my grand godmother, now that i think about it) actually called me tt day and asked about my results
so i just said 15
then she said tts good what tt means u passed
"now in retrospect i should have shut up here, but no i chose to keep saying)
i said ok la, alwin(my cousin) gt 9
orh liddat ar nvm still quite good
then i went pool at dhoby gaut
so FAST FORWARD to at night when i reached home
my mum had tt really sad/disappointed/angry face
so i was like i gt a 15 ,k still quite ok can go in jc
then she told me the whole story

apparently after the call my godmother told my grandmother(which was her sister) pretty much everything i told her
then she calls my mother and says
cannot like that compare 1
you son get 15 very good le

i hear already i want to take chopper kill her liao lor
talk until like i worthless like that
like my mother cannot produce smart children
so what her bloody grandson got a friggin 9
he not even the same surname as her arh
bloody hell

so as i hear finish her story
i felt very angry and also very sad at myself as well
i feel as if i let my mother down
make her throw face
i cried there on her bed
then my dad told me to choose whether jc or poly
i was still having teary eyes
so i told them i would take a shower
i cried there too
i just felt like my immediate family,
my mom dad and brother were ostrasized by them
most of my cousins were tan
me my brother and 2 cousins( my eldest uncles' sons) were the only sim
as in the 3rd generation
and they both are not like them
they are very kind and they think of others before themselves
something that seems to be lacking in my paternal family tree
maybe its because of their upbringing, they are not very rich
unlike the tan


but anyway i try not to think of them as much as i physically possible
which is difficult since we HAVE to visit each other every new year and good friday, which they make use of to sao mu, or pay respects to the deceased


anyway, i put tampines jc and catholic as my 1st 2 choices
hope i get in


remember what i did last year around this time of year
i tried to compile a list of what people felt and thought about me
so as to properly make my new years' resolution
this year i planned to do the same
but everyone seems busy
maybe i choose less people to give their opinions
maybe 6 or 4
but they will probably be close friends

well, we'll just have to wait and see




www.lightamillioncandles.com
light 1 for the children

Post Prelims Post

PPP

Prelim Sucked, ... A Lot


No real mood to really study, so really didn't, really
I feel as if i don't have a direction to move in anymore

remember the time where you would wake up and be all excited about thinking what you were going to accomplish, like finish a game or read a book or even watch a tv show.

I forgot how that feels like
Its just everyday wakeup, goschool, eat (ive been doing that a lot when im bored), den sleep

nothing really stimulating for me
very mundane, monotone

Time seems to be passing me by
and when january comes im gonna regret it
then i will probably jump
because i cannot imgaine the pain of slitting my wrist

but yeah life's been boring


exams were difficult as hell, because i didn't study
got a stupid c5 for bio when i was aiming for a freaking a1
ss gt 31/50, gt a heart attack when gt back essay, was like HENG ARR essay 20/25


shld really wake up
Glennard, How are you going to get an A1 with your attitude right now?!??!?!?!?!
You should just wake up and stop dreaming, because this is not a test anymore, This IS the prelims and you are flunking everything, How are you going to Junior College? Huh? I thought you wanted to go into that Nanyang JC, You THINK they want students like you?HUH?

dam pissed off about bio exam
shld really stop dreaming
and admit to myself that im not really that smart
i probably couldnt get 11 even if i studied
everyone is just being polite
the test are probably set too easy
whe the real thing comes
you'll see
you'll see that you are just A PATHETIC GOOD-FOR-NOTHING THAT IS WASTING ALL THE FREAKING TEACHER"S ENERGY






i wanna drop out
and forget everything...








...everything





www.lightamillioncandles.com
im too [insert adjective here] to comment on it

Not A Good Week

Aug 20 - Aug 24
is nt a good week

Unfortunate things happened 1 after another
and the worst thing is to have lost maybe more than just 1 friend

1) Went out of the class cuz gt no file on Aug 20
2) Handed in a crappy maths file on Aug 21
3) blablabla (dont say here) on Aug 22
4) Completely forgot how to do physics, the science im banking on for A1 on Aug 23
5) Gt scolded by friends + enemies over 27 dollar issue on Aug 23
6) Offended a friend + his friend on Aug 23
7) Lost a Friend. Rest In Peace, Gabriel Goh on Aug 24

Not a good week at all

Have you ever gt the feeling that because you are a man, you cannot show emotion
when it overwhelms you, you will feel very ashamed of yourself, especially when others say that
so you try to act as if nothing happened afterwards, then the people who didnt see you show emotion will think your heartless, or something


www.lightamillioncandles.com