Visitors

I've always wondered who visits my blog.

i know perhaps i have one "regular" reader. perhaps just that one guy.

and i also know that sometimes bots and other internet programs like Google will pass by for caching purposes and such and such.

and i also know that there are some less regular people. like those who come maybe every few months just to see what's going on. especially now that there seems to be so little people blogging about themselves, it would seem to make sense that those same people looking for other people blogging about themselves would drop as well.

but the making sense trap is a very easy one to fall into.

i'll explain more about the trap in due time.

but i'm always curious to see who goes to my blog, because i do have a visitor tracker, which is remarkably featurefull, which is a word i just made up. i get to see which visitor uses which type of browser, which websites they came from and also when and how long they spent here. not to mention ip addresses, which at this point seems useless and pointless.

perhaps this is my first blog post where i have absolutely no point at all. just thought i'd share something with you.

Fix

we all have our own fixes, something we will always end up thinking about, even in incredibly weird situations. Something we end up doing because it does something to our psyche and makes us feel all tingly inside, even if it shouldn't. For some people it becomes second nature, something they instinctively reach out for without making a conscious choice to do so, like breathing or reaching for water.

For some people its' shopping, for some people its' music.

For me its' women, Western women, but more importantly beautiful women. Yeah, i know that makes me superficial and perverted or a superficial pervert. but thats' how my brain functions apparently. Sorry for confirming all those stereotypes you had about men. Its' not like i have many other things to fall back upon, right? I mean, i don't play music or shop for clothes. I don't even have much to fall back upon memory wise, since my memory is so bad.

whats the one thing you always seem to be thinking about when you get bored?

Musings

Who are we to judge a person's actions that were we to be in their place, would do just the same. It's neither fair nor just nor wise, but it is human, to be on both ends, receiving and giving.

I have no idea how my train of thought led me to this, especially since i was playing a children's puzzle game. But retracing it would put it closest to harry potter and the bad people who decided to help out voldemort simply because that was the best or only way they could survive.

People who stand up to the face of death are tremendously brave but does that make the rest of us, those not strong enough to do so, weak or cowardly? I think it simply makes us mortals and that is nothing to be ashamed of. Granted i do not know what i myself would do in such a situation, but i honestly am a bit afraid of the answer. i fear that i would instinctively cower away and would not be able to live with myself after.

Been quite a long time since i blogged about what actually happened to me, so im gonna start with as much as i can remember now. last week i watch transformers 3 with yang and edmund. again. because i love watching robot porn. also, the 2nd time around isn't really that good when you're watching it, but when you're not, you keep telling yourself, its so awesome you HAVE to watch it again. but it seldom really is. Watched it at the newly refurbished shaw theatre at orchard, the lobby is quite cool, looks more like a hotel lobby though.

the week in camp was mainly occupied by the 4d3n exercise which consisted of 3d2n of waiting and eventually sleeping. 1 night we spent getting lost and eventually, and this really made my week, we eventually ended up on the road that ran along from the section live firing range to the actual 300m and 100m range to the friggin pasir laba camp, in my m113. which is funny as hell because the 6 of us were on main car-friendly road all the way till we saw the back of the camp near the SOC grounds and we couldn't tell because it was so dark out. but riding a m113 on a normal road and approaching buildings with multiple lights felt really epic, like we were finding civilization for the first time after traveling for so long.

and then we had to turn back.

nothing much after, just waiting for the 24th investiture coming up this tuesday.

Emotionless machine

I used to think that, back when i was a very young kid, that the best say to "win" in life ( and my naivety proves itself when all i understood about life was that you either win or lose and there is a best way to go about it.) was to abstain from all emotions and work towards success based on science and logic. Emotions to me were a meaningless distraction at best and a harmful influence at worst and it had no place in life.

At this point in my life, its very hard to revisit that statement and agree with it, even though i would like to believe very much so that it could be true. Perhaps it is because now i am willing to accept that love is a fundamental, if small part of my life and the love that i have for my family and friends and my surroundings supercede that statement. In simpler terms, as much as i want to and sincerely wish to believe what i did as a child was true, i want to love the ones that i love even more and these two philosopies cannot coexist at the same time.

In 2010, most of the emotional turbulance i felt were very major in terms of impact; there were aignifcant highs and lows in that year which made those periods of "lull" for emotional roller coastal rides seem almost pleasant in retrospect, even though at that time it probably felt like i was bored out of my skull. In 2011, the emotional ups and downs happen much more frequently and even the smallest things, it seems, would affect me quite adversely, for some unknown reason. This pretty much bi-weekly state of feeling a little happy and a little sad and a little excited and a little disappointed is wreaking havoc on my "peaceful" state of mind.

To put into context, a major drop in morale would be when i failed to get into ocs or seeing my father get weak in the knees when my grandmother's body was being moved from the wake down the road to the crematorium. On the other hand, a minor but pretty regularly occuring minor drop in morale would be when somebody mentions in passing that i am incompetent or when i get shut out of a conversation when i am being serious, Or when i find out someone is withholding information for no other reason than he doesnt feel like telling you when you obviously need that information for your work.

I sort of realized how "addicted"( probably too strong for this context) i was to anger and raging at someone. Last weekend i needed to speak with my brother urgently about his behaviour for the last month, which has turned for the worst. After asking politely for 3 times and being shot down because he was more interested in iphone, i had to raise my voice to get him to understand the urgency of what i had to say. We had a talk for what feels like two hours about his worsening state of respect for people around him including his parents. Anyway after that when i came back to camp 2 days later, i was tasked to get the lecture room ready and it was in quite a mess. A fellow spec was playing the drums while i asked politely for him to clean up once. I got a meh response and i immediately raised my voice, ironically asking if he wants me to raise my voice before he starts to move. At that point, it felt like i released a flood of holding back i was doing since i came to this batalion and it felt damn good.

It really felt good to get angry even for that 3 seconds.

I haven't emo-ed in a good long time.