If I...

I think there's a part of our brain, and most people probably have this, that always harps on this. The idea that if I had this or if I were this or if I did this, then I would achieve everything that I wanted. As if once you had that thing, you'd be happy, or at least satisfied. Gatsby had his green light. Tons of other fictional characters have their own whatevers.

I have a whole laundry list of them.

But they aren't important. They serve as an excuse. On my better days, I'd like to think that I'm better than such pointless qualifiers. As if I needed my own brain to tell me I'm not handsome enough or didn't own a car.

But it's not really something you can control, is it? It's something that just slips in when your subconscious decides to be a bitch. I know in my conscious mind that being richer won't solve all of my problems, but the caveman part of mind loves to bring it up as if it's the end-all-be-all of solutions. As if being fitter would somehow magically solve all my problems.

I think at the same time, it's sort of liberating to have such an excuse. The better man would say that we have to rise up beyond our weaknesses. But I'm not that man, I've come to terms with that. So I kind of like having that responsibility taken away from me in the form of a simple excuse. "Well, if I were the chairperson, I'd solve everything" haha...ha

~

I always wondered where my problems would lead me. I'm not a generally happy person. But I don't think it's because good things don't happen to me, just that my brain refuses to accept happy memories. To be honest, it sounds insane, but I can't retain happy memories. I can barely retain ok memories, like sitting in school and chilling with friends, but they aren't like HAPPY happy memories, they are just mundane and like "at peace" moments. But on the other hand, I can remember WAY worse things, and especially stupid details about things that make me unhappy, angry, disappointed, etc. Because they have a much greater impact on me as a person, compared to the peaceful ones. They are the ones that sort of shape you, for better or worse.

Sometimes, I'll look back at my old blog entries and realize that I was actually happy at particular moments in time. But I just can't remember them. I can't ever really remember being happy. Which is weird because I do feel happiness in that moment. I know that, as in I KNOW that consciously. But I can't recall them on the days when I'm not particularly happy. It's like when you can't put on a blanket or find something hot when you're cold, even though you can physically feel heat. Something like that.