iphone

so my brother broke his iphone and its' my fault because i wanted to use the fan, which outlet he was using to charge his iphone, to clear up the air which smelled of fried things and smelly smelly things. it took sometime and a very peculiar position to charge his iphone because of what initially simply appears to be the ports being too loose or something like that. so i took it out and plugged it in.

which ultimately led to a chain of events which resembled plugging in and removing the iphone charger into the phone repeatedly and then it somehow becoming my fault that i just didn't LET him charge in the first place. for one thing, upon closer inspection, there was quite extensive damage done to the phone already. the home button was a bitch and the volume control button was no longer there. now you iphone owners out there must be thinking, how the hell can you remove the volume control on the side. apparently you could, and the inside is all rubbery, like the old nokia phones when you stripped the number pad. the silver casing was also shifted apart from the bottom piece, which was white for him with the stress mark visible from the screws at the bottom. the dock also show signs of damage, since it repeatedly shows the device is not optimized and charging is not supported when nothing is plugged in.

anyway, now its my fault he can't even switch on his phone. which on normal occassion already sucks because he does this whole routine where he basically tries to get me guilty for doing something that i allegedly did while at the same time showing disdain for so much as breathing the same air as him. now factor in the fact that he's pretty much addicted to his iphone, he literally uses it until he falls asleep, you have one hell of a problem.

just for fun, i would try to describe his addiction to his iphone. now something you need to know about my brother is that he is a pretty social animal. by the age of 8 he was using the house phone, land line phone so often i had to squeeze in to get space to use the conjoined tables. by comparison, the first time i had a meaningful conversation over the phone that lasted more than half an hour was between sec 3 and jc 1. i may be 5 years older than him biologically, but he is 5 years ahead of me socially. now you see why my fears of him getting a girlfriend before me may actually come true.

anyway, describing his iphone antics. he is pretty much wired to his iphone. he uses msn facebook sms voice calls on his iphone. and his (along with his just as bored friends) comment threads on facebook are 30 plus long. with one commenting over the next within seconds. that is how wired he is, and yet he is still able to ignore and be ignored by the same bunch of people at the same time. so understanding how connected he is, i am actually more interested to see him without an iphone for at least a day or 2, preferably with me out of the way, just to see if he could cope. i mean he is suffering from pretty serious withdrawal symptoms, only minutes into not using his phone. literally minutes.

normally, i would put this on facebook in 140 or less characters, trying to sound funny. but i figured, according to the way he (and most people for that fact) already would complain about me for what i allegedly did, i guess i shouldn't add fuel to the fire. according to his friends, i'm just adding iphone destroyer and social network wrecker onto my long list of evil deeds and accomplishments like have a megalomanical ego and hogger of computers.

then again, 2 more isn't so bad.

also, i found a dog, whitish grayish brown, has an ava dog tag 208977. probably a maltese or a shih tzu, i can't really tell. and male apparently.

Mortality

so i went to the funeral of a friend's father. i was pretty sure what or rather why i was there. i didn't know his father personally or even in a passing manner. i never heard of him talk about his father so i had no idea what kind of a person he was. so for a while there was a little identity crisis.

why was i going to the wake of a man i did not know?

i figured the answer pretty quickly. i was going to be there to support a good friend of mine who has experienced a loss.

so it was pretty different from the other funerals i have been to. the one where i felt down because my friend who had so much potential had to go so soon or the ones i could feel my parents' loss even though i was not close to the deceased.

it was also the first time i went to a wake where people talked about the deceased's life and the relationships the people around them had. so going there with the expectation of being a friend for support as opposed to being a mourner is a little different.

i learnt a few things that day.

1) most of the 20 year olds i know havent been to more than 1 funeral or less even though they have lost someone, usually a grandparent.

2) when people talk about things and events and emotions, it is only natural that you will put yourself in that situation. in a funeral, people talk about loss and you immediately think about losing the ones closest to you. when people talk about the fun times they had with the guy, you laugh with them even though you haven't the slightest clue of anything they just said. when they talk about how fortunate the family is to have him, you think of your own family, whether or not you've been with them recently.

and yet, all throughout this time, i could only feel guilty for thinking about myself when this is a funeral about somebody else.

the last weekend was pretty fucked up because 2 people lost family members at roughly the same time, albeit under vastly different circumstances.

many of the people who spoke had great stories of the deceased. i wondered what story i would tell if my own father had passed on. when my grandmother passed, i didn't really know much about her. on the car ride my father told me a few stories, of a man who insulted his ability to do anything decent with his life, and of another who gave him a chance.

someday im going to sit down with them and ask them the story of how they came to be who they are.

had a pretty good conversation with a cab driver when i went to camp last week. he had this great voice like a old wise man, and he looked like the sensei from the old karate kid movies.

celebrated yangs birthday this weekend.

to build a secret hallway

you don't really need to carve a hole in the wall. just get a door that's placed semi-hidden and along the side. preferably a room to another room. then place a big wardrobe over it and cut a hole through wood.

TRIP CHANGE TO EUROPE!!

so because of air tickets and the like, we have decided to change our backpacking trip from USA back to europe

so some things remain untouched like this

to note down here is that the university vacation days are as follows
SMU
30nov to 3 jan for term 1
19 april to 15 aug for term 2

NUS
5 dec to 9 jan term 1
8 may to 1 august term 2

NTU
27 dec to 21 jan term 1
23 may to 29 jul term 2

Locations for now:

London

Cambridge

Manchester (old trafford)

Paris

Venice

Milan

Florence

Vatican City

Rome

england 3 weeks

France

Netherlands bicycle travel

Germany

Italy 1 month

Weather conditions:

for reference sake:

Singapore:

June 88F/76F

Today(jan) 86F/75F

All in June

Berlin, Germany: 72F/54F

London, England: 68F/52F

Madrid, Spain: 81F/59F

Paris, France: 73F/55F

Rome, Italy: 82F/63F

Stockholm, Sweden: 66F/52F

in other words, expect temperatures colder than the coldest aircon in singapore, probably for nights and rains. the sun should prove sufficient with just a tshirt. its warmest in spain and rome and coldest in sweden and england.

Railway Information:

Significantly cheaper to get a 8 days in 2 months trip and just use about 1 month, in other words, make 8 "cross country" trips, generally long ones, as opposed to small ones around the city itself. within the city itself, possible to go by bike or bus or walking.

UK: BritRail England pass works with eurail pass holder discount 50% or youth discount 20%, only one applicable because we are not going to scotland/wales/ireland plus BritRail London Pass does not get us to Manchester.

The Rest Of Europe: Eurail 5 country prices at €480 15 days in 2 months, group saver price not as applicable because it is at €627 per person.

Get a 5 country pass for france-germany-netherlands-denmark-sweden. then Boat ride to poland/ukraine for Euro then fly to Italy then boat ride again to spain or train or fly.

Things to do:

Bungee jump (more info: most probably going to Verzasca Dam, 007 Jump, price roughly 170 Euro, http://www.trekking.ch/eng/buchung.asp website for more details.)

Skydive england ( Aff course deemed too expensive, SG price 4k, going for either AFF level 1, or some other alternative, preferably no tandem.)

kitesurfing

roller coaster

Visit sistine chapel in vatican

visit st peter's basilica vatican

watch euro poland

eat fish and chips in england

pizza and pasta in italy

Amsterdam markets + flower auction (get more info)

france lourve, versailles

go language school german preferably (change to spain, roughly 700+ SGD for 1 week home stay)

bike tour around amsterdam free and easy follow book

go university cambridge

nazi sites germany

watch euro 2012 in poland/ukraine (FIND OUT DATES OF MATCH AND GET TICKETS) Qualifying Match Starts from 8 june to finals in 1 July In Kiev, Semis in 27,28 June Warsaw,PO and Donetsk, UK

In other words, most likely mid part of the trip.

OLYMPICS tickets open on MARCH 15

Packlist stuff

Camera

video camera

shades

jacket/windbreaker

weather appropriate clothes

credit card

money belt

map

plug adaptors

To Do list:

Sim cards/ Communication

Hostels

Activity List

get more info on working small jobs

TBC

Budget:per person

Airtickets: Msia airlines 700+ SG-KL-LDN (stansted airport) paris -kl(269E) ONEWAYONLY

Accomodation: Couchsurf as much as possible.

Insurance:

Discount Card: 25 ISE discount card, HI youth card 22,

Transport: Britrail Pass 318E, eurostar 42.50E, Eurail (US 672)ita (169)
Food

Backpack: 100-120

How to make a biography documentary

Open with either a cinematic landscape shot or a very zoomed in then zoomed out shot of the person or something closely related to that person or a thing that will be of significance later on in the documentary.

then do a short introduction of the person, by interview and/or showing short clips and old children photographs. clips must be reasonably poor quality. during which time the background must be playing jazzy or acoustic music, must be light, not to overpower the subject. narrator must have relatively pleasant enough voice to not sound boring.

do interviews with people who used to know him in the past so as to fit a chronological order. at this point the music must be sufficiently light to cover up the background buzz but not the voice of the interviewee, or no music at all if it does not disrupt the atmosphere.

then do a quick montage of growing up, if said time does not bring with itself any thing significant enough to talk about. this time use upbeat faster music. show maybe footage with friends, graduation, school, etc.

start delving into any problems. start by showing the roots of it. perhaps signs or symptoms of a much deeper problem. perhaps interviewees have seen it coming but never do anything about it. perhaps an event foreshadowing it would occur. music at this point become darker. narrator must take note not to over dramatify the script and let the video take care of the change in mood. remain as neutral as possible.

at this point decide whether or not the documentary goes up or down. whether it becomes a tragedy or an uplifting story.

i may actually do this one day you know.

my problems are hardly worthy of a documentary.

Is it wrong to ask for someone to bitch to this christmas?

and yet when when that person comes, i become so focused on wanting to spend as much quality time with that person that i just forget all about kao peh ing (cursing) on all my friends and the words never come out.

im probably using ironic wrongly, but it's ironic how much i wish i had a friend to spill my guts to and yet when that person comes, i don't give a damn about any of it anymore. i guess its those moments in between working and hanging out that really eats the person up, i.e me. Also, i guess the only real way i can bitch without being hypocritical is to tell it to a stranger or in this case write it down. i mean when a person does step up and say, hey im your friend, tell me your problems. at that moment my problems literally disappear. THAT person appearing is precisely the solution to my problems.

i know its' wrong to wish the world revolves around me. i mean people have a legitimate reason to not go out with me today, for real. like work and church and stuff. but its those times where you realize that you are actually not their top priority that bugs the hell out of me. and not the kind when his/her grandma is passing away and you still feel jealous she's taking up more of your friend's time than you. that's just plain bastard. its' those times when yo feel like your friend is putting his friends above you even though you think he's closest thing you have to a friend. i guess one way to describe it would be to think that you're best friends with Felicia Chin, even though she just treats you like a hi-bye friend in college. i mean you'd think sometimes people really have legit reasons, like the fact that the time or the place wasn't firmed up so she or he made plans with other people, it happens, i accept that. but then there are times when you make plans so far ahead of time, like 2 weeks, and everybody all confirmed and stuff, then the morning she or he calls you to say, oh sorry i made plans with some other guy yesterday, totally sorry. NO YOU'RE NOT, Fuck.

i guess its' really the holidays that get to me. every holiday i find a way to mope around the house. even my brother has friends around playing dota with him.

i think i can finally understand why people become workaholics. their excuse of a life is so soul crushingly disappointing the only way they find gratification is through their achievements in the career. i probably would if i wasn't so damn lazy. but a the same time, when i see someone useless achieve the same qualifications as me, i think to me, am i really that useless? It kind of demeans whatever glory or at least pride you could have in that achievement. maybe this is what people feel when i get my grades.

i want to volunteer in disaster relief. i want to risk my life to help those in other countries dying. i want to have a legitimate reason to not be able to hang out with my friends. at leas that way, when i re-evaluate my life on my deathbed. i can say to myself. well glennard, you didn't really have much of a social life, but at least you did a lot of good to a lot of people, so i guess that makes up for it somehow.

I hope they don't judge my parents when i eventually turn out to commit suicide/be a serial killer.

FUCK.

so there's this game

so i recently stumbled upon this game, not a video game, but a board game and a "game" in the loosest sense of the word if you expect it to be any fun at all.

its called Train by Brenda Brathwaite.

i already know the ending but i really don't want to spoil it for you guys, but i do want to say this.

the impact of this game is so deep that without even playing it, just reading about the gameplay and allowed to to drop my mouth in reaction, i think proves how powerful this game and particularly the medium can be.

i just want to touch on the idea of emotional involvement for a short while. i remember a year ago or two when my father started taking an interest in the stock market after it crashed, and i was watching the Business channel or whatever it was called, and i was watching the numbers across the screens and i told him, what the hell the numbers are so big and they still say they don't have enough. and then i read across a small headline in the bottom bar that said that a firm was losing upwards of 6 or 7 digits a day. A DAY, they were losing that amount a day. people can scrape that amount in a lifetime and they can lose it in a day.

and then over the next few days we went back to my extended family for some thing that i can't remember and i overheard my accountant aunt saying that seeing this kinds of numbers is a normal and everyday thing, and you don't really care since it's not really your money. and i thought to myself, did the money people can so used to seeing these kinds of numbers that they don't feel anything when it's going down the drain or is it that it's not their money so they don't care.

i was surprised that people could be so emotionally unattached to a number as ridiculously large especially when what they were losing were not only money from fat cats, but also grandparents' retirement funds. so i thought about how people no longer had any emotional attachment to statistics, especially numbers in any form of way simply because we were overwhelmed as a kid, in a country like singapore with overt emphasis on education and proof and evidence and all that.

so when i think about the fact that there may be 1 in 10 psychopaths around and that 80% of the world population lives on less than $10 a day, i wonder how many people really have any sort of reaction to something like this. it feels really pointless when people really are apathetic to simple issues like that.

let me draw you a word picture, courtesy of ~danny

the weight of an elephant is 10000 pounds, that means nothing to anyone
it is equal to the weight of 2 SUVs, way easier to quantify that 10000 pounds
now lets take the number out completely, it is equal to a big slab of metal that could make you a stain on the carpet if it was dropped on you, so much a stain that not even your teeth would survive the impact. nothing would be left except a funny pink stain and the echoing shrill of a person who has just been squished under a giant slab of metal.

and that is information without numbers

Brenda manages to do this with history such as slave trade through the medium of games. i wonder if i could do it.

i wonder if i could convince people of things

just some thoughts

too many people

We Don't Know Because We Don't Care

i finally figured out what's wrong with our political system

too many people

when you give too many people the same type of job, most people will stop working, giving the hardworking ones too much to do

im pretty much an oddball

i want to be the best and yet at the same time i want to do as little as possible

for some reason people seem to think these are mutually exclusive ideas, that one cannot exist without the other

so as a result i end up hanging around either people who want to do as little as possible and yet never want to achieve anything. OR people who want to be the best and yet despise me because i seem to be doing very little. hanging out with either group always leaves a sour taste in my mouth because i feel like the other half is missing

i think i fully cemented my post as the worst sergeant.

because i made a decision on the spot after AFTER asking a stupid amount of people on what was supposed to be done, and actually following their advice or instruction. only to find out i (and by extension, they) was wrong and yet the only person to have done anything about it.

there really are too many commanders in our company. it's like my hands are tied everytime somebody asks me what to do. i cannot remember the last time i told somebody about what to do in a concrete and firm manner (aside from stupid things like smoke breaks and toilet breaks) without going on the phone and asking someone else. it's like im just a messenger and my mouth is just somebody else's by extension. i can't even friggin decide on what time to fall in without 2 or 3 people breathing down on my neck, asking me why i didn't do this or why i did that. I DID THAT BECAUSE SOMEBODY ASKED FOR INSTRUCTIONS AND IT SEEMED LIKE THE ONLY THING LOGICAL AT THE TIME. it feels like nobody treats me like i have brains of any kind.

im probably being oversensitive. but i always seem to be around when bad news needs to be announced and yet conveniently lost when good news comes around.

and i become the bad guy because i had to make a decision at that point in time and now people think im incompetent even though i have yet to be punished. you know what i really hate that. in fact sometimes i hate it so much i wish i was punished so at least i get some sympathy points instead of people pointing and talking about how incompetent i am.

yeah im the bad guy. i hate being the bad guy

Rapunzel

watched rapunzel over the nights out this week. actually watch 2 movies over the week, easy A on the last weekend.

i think i fell in love with rapunzel (the character) like 10 or 15 minutes into the film. i just could not stop smiling everytime i see her. but honestly i don't recommend rapunzel or any disney movie in fact to brooding teenagers. i think disney movies require a very specific frame of mind before you can start watching it because its Meant to be a kids' show, so anybody going in with a mentality of over 15 has to accept various plot holes or unbelievabilities (i just totally made that word up), and not be so cynical. im surprised i enjoyed it so much, although it probably had something to do with my mood on that particular day. anyway, i also downloaded the princess and the frog at home after watching rapunzel. the music and the characterisation is incredibly amazing and it is so rare to see such a light hearted yet musically great film, i think. because with films like inception and i can't think of any off hand, they have great soundtracks but the movie itself is so intense or otherwise draining that it's hard to remain retardedly enjoying the music for music's sake.

that was surprisingly long for a paragraph on disney films.

yay all my friends are having exams now, an actual reason for not being able to go out with them. anyway i think ntu exams are already over, granted they actually started term 2 weeks early. i suggest to all ntuians (i have no idea what to call them) to gloat about this and rub it into THEIR faces before your term starts and they rub it in yours for starting early.

update on army life

all my troopers hate me. like for real, no exaggerations no emo dramtic going on. i am literally the worst sergeant in my platoon, of 13 specs no less. even my friend (who talks to them on a more personal level because he smokes) says that im being too harsh on them. really? its quite difficult to walk this fine line between letting them go and maintaining discipline, especially when they think they can get away with anything if you let them go and they hate you if you punish them. i really have no idea what to do. like literally, because everytime i see some things and i let them go, it becomes something easily forgotten and yet if i do something about it, they kick up a big fuss.

if any of my troopers were to read this, they would probably disagree completely. but i seriously have no idea what to do in such scenarios. but what another of my friend said was i felt wuite true, that being a commander is not a popularity contest (and if it was, hell would freeze over if i ever had a chance of winning), its about doing your job and doing it properly. it shouldn't matter what they think about you. but yet on some level, what they think about you will determine whether or not they listen. so you see why i'm torn over this issues.

also, ive been trying to get the mailing addresses to some of my friends in hopes of writing a letter. because i find letter writing to be on a more personal level ever since ive read harry potter. which admittedly is stupid.

yes it is stupid don't try to change my mind about it.

insensitive

a few hours ago, i found out (through facebook of course) that an old friend of mine, well i can't really say friend, more like schoolmate, was pregnant.

to me that came as a shock, because she was only 1 year older than me. so naturally i decided to find out more. in that short span of about 30 seconds from being on facebook to going to her blog, i was about to say some really insensitive things about her, things like how she's too young to have a baby, things like well i never really thought she would not have had sex by now. you know insensitive things.

so then as i read the "whole" story (its about as whole as it can get without speaking to her). i realized that they went through the same thoughts that i would have had if it were my girlfriend who was pregnant. they were about to abort the child, before realizing they could not live with themselves if they ended it. and then at that point i realized.

it doesn't matter how sound your logic is and how practical a decision may be, there is no way you could have gone through with a decision like that without any thing going on in your heart. the couple sound like they are very much in love with each other and i hope they do so for the rest of their lives.

some life lessons

been playing Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood, its an incredibly awesome game. it feels like ubisoft finally made just enough adjustments to the point where it gets fun. particularly the addition of having more control over elements around you and in fact being able to decide between stealth and active combat and these elements aiding both significantly. one particular disappointment is that the music which made the AC2 experience so immersive seems to be lacking in this game.

anyway, i cant remember the last time i blogged so im not going to recount all the things that i've been doing since. the only things i can think of that i've done lately is that going to pizza hut because evon decided to pang seh us and wayne decided to be sick and that i watched harry potter 7 part 1 with some of the platoon. admittedly, (spoilers) the most disturbing part of the movie was that harry and hermione starting kissing semi-naked, and that one of my friends thought that moment was hot and he was surprised i didn't think so. personally i don't think that body was emma watson's, maybe that was with cgi or whatever.


anyway, quite a bit of free time and quiet time at home, since my bro is out. and as per usual been thinking. here's a few pieces of my mind.

remember when somebody told you that practice makes perfect, that be the best that you can be, eliminate your flaws and fix your mistakes. what i actually started thinking about recently was that how much of your flaws is actually part of your humanity. you know like people say be yourself. so when you start trying to reduce your imperfections, are you really becoming less human in a sense. i know this question is really pretty inconsequential. but as i went further along that lines, there are actually people who are innately flawed in such a way that they hurt either themselves or society in general. on one level, there are people who are prone to addiction, either in a way that is harmful or not, and in case you didn't know there is actually a real cluster of nerves or grey matter of whatever the hell is in your brain that is the center of addiction, which can be physically identified in a brain scan. when we try to help them be a better person, are we taking away their ability to be human in a sense, because so much of addiction fixes is actually patched on sensory cues that really just cover up the problem in the first place.

and then there are the even more dangerous, where people like psychopaths (which by definition
are people who cannot feel. granted this is an oversimplification) or even serial murderers and perverts who take pleasure in causing pain. when people remove these urges from them, we call it curing them when in a sense we are taking away their humanity. granted you could reason it with the fact that by letting them be themselves, we are placing serious threat on other people, other people who are doing something positive or at the very least not being a negative influence on people.

then again its a pretty stupid question

every so often, i like to pretend i can teleport, or at the very least walk through walls.

never stop learning and keep your mind open, because you won't know where you pick up the
cleverest nuggets of information you never thought about
i.e.

when you're in a conversation, people say more when you keep quiet and let them talk than when you cut in and try and ask a question to probe him more.

source: surprisingly fan fiction.

also, friends remain friends when one thinks they are smarter than the other. which i can't say is not true for most of my friends, sounding really arrogant now.

i sometimes wonder ( and worry) if I'm gay when i think about whether or not i will remain friends with another guy friend for a long time and the fact that i enjoy his company quite a bit. Then i remind myself that men don't turn me on, only women do. men don't make me stare to the point of drooling no matter how good looking they may be, only women do, and they don't even need to do a lot.

i also realized that i was quite a hypocrite when i criticized facebook birthday messages for being insincere when I was tempted to do that on so many occasions. i settled for sending smses.


i think something that actually passed through my mind quite a number of times that a comedian by the name of jon stewart manage to crystallize so well is that what we can control is only our intentions, what people take away from it, their perception of it, is entirely out of his (jon) control and to think or more precisely overthink them would only prove to be pointless and personally, too overwhelming for your mind.

shtuff i would do in america

this list will be constantly updated, because i can only think of so many things to do

anyway, me and edmund are planning to go to america to backpack around the states
tentatively, which means, maybe probably possibly prosibly

so i figured i keep some reminders of things i would want to do there because i cannot think of anything right now

also if anyone would like to join us you are very welcome, particularly girls, because 2 dudes in a prolonged period of time in a foreign land would most likely end up wasted and or STDed

also to note down here is that the university vacation days are as follows
SMU
30nov to 3 jan for term 1
19 april to 15 aug for term 2

NUS
5 dec to 9 jan term 1
8 may to 1 august term 2

NTU
27 dec to 21 jan term 1
23 may to 29 jul term 2

so the list as of now is:

eat a new york pizza
visit times square
visit san francisco bay bridge
visit white house (meet president)

271110
see ground zero
see empire state building

121210

Packlist stuff

Camera

video camera

shades

jacket/windbreaker

weather appropriate clothes

credit card

money belt

map

plug adaptors

to do list

transportation: check out transport between states and also within states, bus, train, etc

Currency: find out if travellors' checks still useful, findout how much to bring on person

Comms: access to internet, how to communicate back to singapore, Phone, etc? sim card usability in other countries

buying stuff from usa, delivery costs?

Empty your brain tank

it is much easier to listen then to say.

and i'm not the only one to think so.

and if I really think about he is probably the best listener I know, and I would be a close second.

but then again i doubt many people trust me enough to tell me things, much less believe that i'm a good listener.



because we all have our own insecurities that when we say the things that make us the most vulnerable, no one would stop to listen, or even worse, no one would care.


many things were said that night. and it's remarkable really, that it only took us what 7 or 8 years before I really emptied my brains out to someone, i hope the next person doesn't take that long.

and he was the one who wondered out loud, "wha, wo ren si ni ze me jiu, xian zao cai dong ze xie dong si" i'll get that translated to chinese soon.

it feels good though to empty your brains out.

he also said, you look like you like to say this kind of things one meh, a bit also don't look like.

there had to be some sort of truth to that, i mean not a lot of people ask what i was thinking when it came to personal things


but it felt good, it really did

has it been that long

its been more than a month
and i couldn't even tell hahas

quite a few things happened this past month
for 1 thing
i participated in this little widdle third sergeantning parade thing that was just no big deal at all, not one tinsy bit

and i've also been screwing around with my iphone
apparently the ios4 does not support winterboard for per-page wallpapers
theres probably 9 of you out there going huh

but its quite hard to really explain what i've been doing exactly

but it is easy to tell you what i've been doing in camp though.
apparently being a commander means that as long as you're not wanted you can disappear to wherever you want
and by disappear to wherever you want i meant, sleep in bunk for 8 hours straight, after waking up for breakfast

also i became a detachment 2ic. im not sure if any of my non army friends know this, but that's what i've been trying not to be among the my peers, because that essentially means that i am among the bottom 5 specialists in my team of 13.

which is not really a good distinction to have

i would have actually been quite pissed or emo about it. i really would have just crashed in my bed in my army bunk if not for that fateful weekend

that very fateful weekend when i realized 1 very important thing

that i do not have a girlfriend or ever had.


i know it's difficult to jump from one conclusion about army to something about having a girlfriend
so i'm going to need to explain myself a little

so basically that weekend, i was surfing on facebook, wallowng in self-pity as usual. that usually happens when i see people talking to each other on the wall and having each others' photos up together and i get sad, that is all. and the entire morning or afternoon i was totally preoccupied with the fact that the probability of me becoming a detachment commander (basically the other appointment) was incredibly slim given that i either screwed up or people weren't watching when i did something right. so as i surf and surf through facebook. i began to notice a trend, everyone i knew were getting on with their lives, they were to Uni, getting to work learning to drive, celebrating birthdays, partying clubbing. and i'm here at home watching them on the internet. and i thought to myself, why the fuck am i still stuck in social limbo, that time between finishing A levels and enlistment where virtually no one called me out until the last 3 days.

so i started to think and obviously continue surfing, and it became obvious to me that i'm "stuck" in army, socially and emotionally, not physically, because i don't have someone outside waiting for me. i don't have a girl can or at least wants to meet me every time i get to book out of camp. i also didn't have like this bunch of friends who always had their friday and saturday nights free and lived for the nightlife and partied every chance they had, and they had each other.

now i'm not saying i don't have anything. i'm saying that i have a "few" groups of friends where 1 group is often unfortunately too busy for me, because they are busy with their own life and another where i could always hang out with for pool at hougang plaza in the afternoon but nothing much because we always seem to meet on sunday and i always have to book in at 10 which cuts short a lot of activities since its in boon lay or choa chu kang.

i mean i have to respect that my friends (and this time i'm not saying i don't have any, so don't accuse me of that) have or are living more important lives than mine and as much as i had to admit it, the only way i could get them to want to hang out with me as much as i want to hang out with them, is if there were as bored as i am, and that is not something i would want to wish on anyone.

so i figured. if i had a girlfriend or at least a girl who liked me, i knew i could look forward to booking out every time, because i knew i would be wanted at least by someone to have my company around, you know rather than just booking out so i could sleep at home at night.

and thats' how i got my mind off being the worst 5 among the sergeants. and maybe now when i tell the story like that it won't seem like a big deal. but it definitely felt like it the past 3 weeks before getting appointed.

and it sucked.

now at least the sucks part about my outside life is outweighing the sucks part about my army life.

blessings

my birthday was last week

so i decided to do something that i don't do since ... well i never really did it before

so i decided to count my blessings

i have a very happy home with people inside it who are related by blood

i have four walls to surround me in case i get cold

i have a constantly stocked fridge

i have friends i can count on

electricity is not a foreign thing to me

i have enough blood to give to other people

my shoes have only one hole in them

im not allergic to sunlight and sergeant majors

i can perceive all colour and thus the beauty it provides

my limbs are all in working order

sees beauty in people without makeup

has a closet full of clothes that are very comfortable for sleeping but not so much for being looked at

and most importantly, has you as my dear reader

i just realized

i haven't felt happy in a really long time.

i mean i have laughed on many different occasions throughout this period of time, but i haven't felt like walking around my house like i used to and just be satisfied with everything as it is, like i used to. and that level of happy isn't even the highest level of happy that exists. that's like just a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10. and even that i haven't felt in a long time.

maybe its' because i haven't felt like i'm doing anything positive in the world, or i'm not making any progress or something. everything just feels like a blur with the past being over too fast and the future being to slow to reach me.

or maybe its' just this perpetual level of shagness i keep feeling. there is just this tendency to sigh at everything. sigh at the computer, sigh at the dog, sigh at the clock, sigh at everything.

i wonder what drives people to smoke or drink or go on one night stands. i mean most people do it because it has become a habit to them. they are just used to lighting a cigarette everytime they are not doing anything or going to a club to grind every midnight. but its more interesting to see how they start. i mean people don't do things for no reasons. there has to be this compelling reason for them to do such a thing that they have never done before as well as a trigger, a strong push when you're already near the edge. so the interesting thing is under what circumstances do they get that, both the nearing of the edge and the big push. i think 90% of people already have something they hate in their lives, no matter how insignificant it may seem to you. a person could be worrying about his test scores while another just had his breakup, its' all pretty compelling reason to feel sad about your life, but depending on who you are it may not affect you just as severely. but more interestingly, where do they get that big push? is it when they are surrounded by friends who are just as intoxicated, or when they just feel so overwhelmed by all that emotion they just pick up the nearest stress reliever (or so they think) and do it.

i don't know

i just realised the last time i felt happy was when i was in tekong. when everyone else around me was sad. maybe i'm a sadist that way. but i felt happy waking up in the morning and knowing that i am going to train to become a better person and a better soldier. and i felt even happier during my parade when i finally "graduated" and my parents were there to see me.

and then after that, everything became pretty much meaningless. i haven't consoled in a friend in so long, it just feels so difficult. there never feels like there is a right time for this kind of thing, but yet you still know that there are things you have to get off your chest even if you can't phrase them in words and sentences. so many times of the day, i feel like my friends are all moving off without me, and it feels lonely, even though they are just standing there beside me. isn't it strange to feel lonely in a crowd of friends? and for the record, i think my friends are the greatest in the world, i just don't know how to reciprocate them.

maybe this feeling isn't sadness, maybe its' loneliness.

some things

i wish i had a baseball bat

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Joy is watching your friend smile because he earned something and he knows it
Sorrow is watching your father not being able to compose himself everytime he thinks about his mother
Envy is watching your friends become a couple and wishing you could have the same
Pride is watching your students get something he worked hard for
Regret is watching your father tell you about the stories you wish your knew earlier
Happiness is looking at your family and knowing that there can never be a substitute
Contentment is not caring who is looking

I wished I watched less and did more.

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Emma Watson cut her hair a few days ago. it takes some time to get used to. the weird thing is that every time i see her i get used to this demure, high class, elegant girl and woman because everything she does feels like things have been thought over, and also its always very comfortable to see her do certain things like speaking in a certain way that makes her feel girlish and just very cute and yet when you see her cut such a short pixie cut, immediate things come to mind like the singer pink and other punk-like girls out there. so its kind of weird to see her personality come off in such a drastically different look. but i doubt she will change much, or at least sincerely hope she doesn't change her tune and voice and personality and everything that i love about her. also, i have been given pink a lot less credit than she deserves, seeing as she does many not only humanitarian things but also does not "rebel" for the sake of doing so, much like most "rebels" nowadays.

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i have been doing a lot of thinking lately since my grandmother's death. thinking about my own funeral in the hopefully distant future. thinking about how i would react if the people closest to me would go one day. thinking about the idea of forever. during her funeral, there was a part where we had to throw coins into a small bucket of water and try and get her to "cross the bridge". after we did that, the priest/ religious person would go up on the small stand and chant certain hymns.as he reached a certain part in the hymn, suddenly a lot of people would start crying and i didn't understand at first because he was speaking in dialect. later i found out that the "hymn" or so i thought was actually the priest addressing the mourners, telling us to live our lives to the fullest and do more charity work and stay healthy for the sake of each other and that would have been what she would have wanted. the part where people cried the hardest was actually about him saying that she is gone from our lives forever and we will never see her again until it was our turn. my aunt was so shook up by this she started muttering to herself in the middle of the night when we were doing work for the next day.

so i started thinking about the idea of forever, the fact that from now on when we go to her house , we will never shout Ah Ma from outside the door like we've been doing the past 19 years, the fact that my father and my aunts and all their siblings will no longer have their parents around to talk to them, the fact that my cousins will never hear from her to go study ever again. and it pains me so much. i felt like i never fully coped with her death and even more scarily that i am already so shook up when i never even fully appreciated her when she was around , how would i react when the ones closest to me go.

My cousin also said something to me that shook me up throughout the whole funeral. he was buring the incense paper when he started to talk to himself. he said :"i just realized that i never told her i love her" and that is going to be a regret that he has to live with for the rest of his life.

i don't ever want to have a regret like that.

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i also have been thinking about what i would want my funeral to be like. i've actually been thinking about since i was in secondary school but i never got it penned down. firstly, money issues, a quarter will go to my parents, a quarter will go to my god grandparents. a quarter will go to my brother along with any worldly possessions that i may still have. 10% will go to charity, either an orphanage or the international red cross or the salvation army, that is for any of my surviving relatives to decide. 10% will go to my school, SRJC and HIHS, generally with more going to the jc. the last 5% will be given or donated to whomever needs it the most, as deemed by my surviving relatives. should any of my relatives pass before me, the money will go in this order, my brother, my parents, my god grandparents and their family.

as for the funeral itself, nothing overly religious, just maybe a small joss stick bin and some incense paper for the more conservative minded who still wish to pray for me. other than that, i want joyous band music to be played around the place and also framed pictures of words from famous people put up on the walls. either quotes from famous people, or things i said myself. i also want people to have paper to write what they would have wanted to say to me which will be put together with me and cremated. i also believe in no loose ends, so if anything is not finished by the time of my death or any issues or remarks not said, hopefully this will be the channel to do so.


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change is getting more and more burdensome

To the family of the grieving, today is the day a beloved mother and grandmother passed away

To everyone else, it's just another thursday.

sometimes you don't really know a person until you've heard her stories
i never got the chance until today
she left and i never knew what kind of person she was
the only thing i knew was that i didn't like her and i didn't know why
"when you die, everybody loves you"
today i found out what kind of person she was
and i realise that's the kind of person i have been trying to be all this while
and to think i wouldn't have known that had she not passed away
i don't know what to think of myself
and i don't know what to think anymore

I am a Specialist of the Singapore Armed Forces

With Pride, I Lead

Got Food, I Eat

Got Time, I Sleep

Got Mission, I Report Sick

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Shag Cannot Think.

this bag

This bag holds a laptop and a gun

you're welcome