You don't deserve to know what happened to her

You dont deserve to know what happens
Its times like these that make me wonder if it is or ever was a good idea to make friends.
I wonder how many of my friends are willing to be honest with me. And if those who are not should i consider them my friends at all. I think i have the maturity of a fifteen year old when it comes to times like this. Like people treating you as if youre just a small kid and dont deserve to know anything. I getthat sometimes people may be guarded and they dont want to share secrets. But i seem to have friends that believe im retarded. And that i cant handle information. You know that feeling sucks.
I understand that most of the time i dont give a shit about whatever goes on with people that are two social connections away from me. But when your own friends withold information from you. Its time to think about why you consider them friends.
I used to think that i have friends because there are people i care about. People i would switch places with in an accident, in a heartbeat. i would jump in front of a train if it meant i could save them. But i found out that its hard to care for somene when you dont know anything about what goes on in their lives. Surprisingly its because you care about them. That you give a damn about their mundane details of their humdrum lives. I would never in a million years thought that not knowing about what happened to my friends when im not around would affect me ths much. But apparently it does. And its pissing me off.

I hate knowing the feeling that somebody's attitude changed and i don't know why or what happened to cause that change. I hate knowing that if it ever came to something drastic that might or might not happen and i would attend the funeral and when his parents or family ask me what happened i can't answer them.

Maybe im the asshole here. Maybe im not doing enough to find out about my friends. But how do you get more information when nobody seems willing to part with it.
Fuck tt shit.

Maybe this is all the alcohol talking but i dont feel any level of high before. Ever. Not once.

I wonder if alchol makes you more pissed.

I think smoking changes the mindset of people. People start changing theirworldview that they have somehow become bad and that the way they perceive things changes. That they start to separate people into different groups where they always appear to be agreeing with wrong people. Or maybe its the other way around. Tt they start thinking of themselves as bad or rotten apples and tts why they do the shit tt they do. I think those who actually feel guilty about what they do still have some chance of recovering from this unconscious segregation of the society around them.

Because at the end of the day, would you be able to sleep soundly at night is all that matters