So Here's the Truth

Partially anyway.

I no longer expect to do well this semester. I had pretty high hopes at the start of the sem, but after everything that's been going on recently, it's getting harder and harder to keep those hopes up.

The reason my last post was of Aang the monk meditating was that well and truly, I expected to use this short 1-week break to sort out my thoughts. All of them.

As of Friday, 3.43 am, I've had maybe one day to do it, less actually. And nothing's really been sorted out. In fact, I broke down even harder at home than I did at school.

The weird thing is that it's really all just small minor things, not like somebody died or me getting expelled. It's just really minor things that happened to hit all at the same time. It's overwhelming. And I'm having trouble picking myself up. The things I used to do that sort of gave me a little encouragement seemed to disappear. My old friends aren't at the studio much now and I've stopped talking to my old kakis in the hall.

This embargo that I've set (for myself) was intended to see or show how much I was valued as a friend, how much my "friends" would need or miss me when I go. I ended up proving how needy I was. I am genuinely disgusted with that. I sought to be independent most of my life and today, I find myself struggling to stand up.

The small silver lining is that at least, unlike last time, only half of these things are caused by myself.

I don't know what to do and I just want to let go. Of everything. I haven't had an emo post like this in a really long time. That was intentional. I wanted to put that side of me in a closet and lock it up.

I am sick and disgusted of myself for all of my problems. For once, I don't blame anybody else for all that has happened. It's enlightening, and yet burdensome at the same time.

All I know is today, I'm not happy with this version of Glennard.