The 12 Year Lesson

When I was in primary 6, I took my PSLE papers and had decent results. If I remember correctly, I got 211, which by all means is not a terrible score.

I cried that night.

I had a friend then who wasn't the smartest person I knew, but he had his talents in other areas, specifically art. He sat in front of me in class and when I asked him about his score, he turned around and said 213. It felt weird and uncomfortable because it violated the status quo somewhat. I was supposed to be the book guy and he was supposed to be the art guy. It felt wrong.

Then I went home and checked the cut off points of the nearby secondary schools and found that I would always be a few points short of those schools. Maris Stella, North Vista, Nan Chiau, etc, alwasy just 2 or 3 or 4 points short. And that was where the disappointment really came in.

So after I came to my senses, I told my mum I would go to Holy Innocents' High, despite meeting the criteria for other marginally better, but ultimately too inconvenient schools. I told her that I would go back to the affiliated schools and become the best in that small school.

~

When I took my O Levels, I got 15. My target was at least 10. I also cried that night. I had to accept my fate that I would go into a JC that I had all but written off. The same school that I used to say "Go there might as well go poly."

I ended up breaking all my (and my teachers') expectations when I took my A levels.

~

Perhaps it is because of my upbringing and the people I grew up with, but I learnt that ambition is not the best quality for myself as a person. When I did so fantastically well in the As, that I thought I was on top of the world; that I should really challenge myself and enter Architecture. I really, for that one moment, thought I was invincible. Just because I got a couple of As. What you don't know is that living in a 3-mrt zone. when your whole world revolves around Kovan, Hougang, Sengkang, that impossibly disgustingly smart people exist. And not only that, they are capable and athletic and talented in all the areas that you can never hope to be.

But I hear what you are saying, "Other people's abilities shouldn't affect you as person." The problem is that they do. The system we exist in doesn't recognize individuals as uniquely abled, but as relative numbers in a scale. "You are only good to me if you are the most capable person available to me." And because of that I have been turned away multiple times in my university life.

I thought that when I entered the premier Uni in Singapore, I would be open to a world of opportunities. The problem is that I have always been at the bottom of that barrel. Suddenly I became a nobody, with no real skills to hold to my name. I've never been the most charming or the most sociable. I've never had sports or arts or music to stand behind. And now, what people used to remember me fondly of as that smart guy, suddenly became meaningless as I became surrounded by a bunch of other smart guys. I understand that my A level results was a fluke, both then and now, but I liked to hold it up as a reminder of my ability, as superficial or fragile as that might seem.

~

So after all that I've said, why does this matter? Grades aren't important. Ya, this isn't about grades. It's about happiness. 12 years after my PSLE posting, I have figured out that the best life decision I can make is always the convenient one, not the challenging one. When I ever get stuck about where to go in life, between what I'm good at or what I like the most. Always pick the one that I'm good at. Because you don't ever stop being good at it, but you never know if you will ever stop liking it that much. Be happy in that little bubble and be ignorant of what is out there. Because it's happier to be happy and stupid than to be sad and smart. Don't surround yourself with people who are too similar to you in ability, both the type and the level, because you become unremarkable, unnoticable and to a certain extent, unhelpful.

~

I have become such a bitter, cynical person that I sometimes wonder if entering Uni was ever the choice. I can't really openly trust someone any more, and it seems like a loss of innocence somewhat.

Compromise, Ideal,and Perfect

This is 2 years in review.

I will probably focus more on school stuff, over hall stuff, or even family and relationship stuff, because there isn't the time to talk about those, but you may see some cross-overs here and there. Because life's like that. Nothing's mutually exclusive.

That's a really interesting thought to think about. When I started school, like many people before me, I had this mentality that I was going to focus on school and then just pick up the other parts of my life during the holidays. Everything seemed to be planned out nicely; I would focus on just getting schoolwork done, then either go on holidays to unwind or commit to Orientation camp committee during the 3-month summer break so that I could remain in hall, which is what I really needed to just even be on track to finish schoolwork on time. That sounded like a solid plan.

But what they don't tell you is that you will end up picking up pieces.

Time passes by very quickly when you're in a studio. It feels like every moment is dragged on when you're inside, but as soon as you leave, you see people moving on without you. Every time vacation rolls around and then I find out X and Y have done this and A is going to retire or whatever. It shakes me at the core to fully comprehend that people are moving on, and they are moving on whether I'm in their lives or not.

2 years in, and I still haven't found this elusive thing called "work-life balance"

I made the "mistake" of committing to the wrong thing in my first year. Like I said, I compartmentalized my life into school time, followed by hall time, followed by NS and overseas time, followed by orientation camp time and then back to school. The problem with that is that other people "socialise" throughout this entire period, but I've managed to break them up into chunks, often with too much intensity and not spread out enough. My family went through a brief period of bad times during my year 1 and it was the first time I broke down as a result of stress. I just huddled with my dog at the stairs and cried for a good while, and then once more a day later when my parents probed me after realizing something was wrong. I'm not really ashamed that I broke down even though I don't really discuss it with people outside my circle of trust. (that circle is extremely small.) Suffice it to say, it wasn't one big reason, like a close family member passing away, but a series of small events that converged at the same time and the fact that they happened almost successively (or at least the time that I was informed of them). I remember the exact reason I broke down the first time was because after a hard 3 days at the studio, I thought I would be able to rest my mind and body, only to realize that there were in fact more problems at home that I just hadn't been aware of. It's like something snatching away your chair just before you sat down when you've been walking for miles and miles. It makes you feel totally helpless and just stunned that you couldn't even rest properly.

Then I made the mistake of forgetting I need to rest in year 2. I remember talking with my supervisor at my part-time job about my availability over the next few months, and it slowly drifted toward the direction of how I handled my time. I have never been this exhausted over such an extended period of time and yet this is the semester where I have slept the most throughout. It is true that I have actually done more deeds this sem than any other, possibly in my life, but I have come to the conclusion that I do not have the stamina, both physical and mental, to keep going at this pace. When I was 18, I roomed with this RJC kid during an inter-JC conference. I peeked at his desktop and it happened to be his monthly schedule and it is packed with colours. This is the first time I've resorted to using google calendar, and when I look back at the stuff I've done, my mind takes a mental sigh of relief and panic at the same time, because it's still intimidating today.

I hope it's not too late to "repair" my relationships with peers. Both in school, hall and outside. Too many friendships have ended in "we just drifted away" and I thank whatever god or gods that are watching over me that I remember to take the time to appreciate my circle of trust. Those 3 misfits are the only people I have poured out to more than anyone else and I owe them so much more than they owe me. The strange thing about all 3 is that those friendships are built almost exclusively as we were leaving each other's presences. They were built as we left school, rather than when we were in it. Maybe it's the absence that reminds us of each others' importance. I don't have the same level of trust with anyone in hall currently, and it's definitely not something that you can force.


I've done all in this sem that I can think of. I've made the most of the opportunities that hall has presented me at this current time. I've tried working for actual money when just a mere 12 months ago, I thought it would have been impossible. I've picked myself up after a terrible interim crit to make something of it, and become sufficiently proud of it to include it in my RIBA portfolio. And I couldn't have done this without my peers and mentors. But all of these remain very professional relationships. I won't ever forget the help and guidance they have rendered me, but they are, at its core, a relationship of necessity. I'm not going to walk into someone's room and spill out my guts in the middle of the night because I don't have that type of friend here on campus. And vice versa, nobody's going to come into my room with anything other than work-related stuff to discuss. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I do know that it's a thing that's missing in my life and I can't judge that which I have no experience in.

~

I started this post thinking that I would write about the inadequacy of architectural education. Now, I seem to just be lamenting the losses that I never knew I signed up for when I accepted this course.

I don't know how much I regret, or if I do regret anything at all. I just seem to be at this crossroads where I don't really know what is the right thing to do moving forward.

Why do you care about architecture?

"Why do you care about architecture?"

I think it's a genuinely, absurdly difficult question to answer.

I can tell you why I care (or at least should care more) about any other pursuit like physics, space exploration, medicine or even freaking video games. But I cannot come up with a convincing answer for architecture.

I can tell you why we should care about building properly. About the necessity of providing quality buildings for work and play. But not architecture specifically.

I think sports and music are sort of in this category of barely relevant but I assume that I'm simply not involved in it enough to give you a good reason. I mean I can give a good reason for video games, something society deems just as frivolous, if not more so, simply because it's a medium and a subject matter I'm deeply involved in, at least as a consumer and an observer. So it is possible to argue that given enough immersion in perhaps music, someone could give a impersonal response.

But not architecture. Almost a year and a half and I still don't quite get why people care about architecture specifically. Why is the design of buildings important to people? Why should it? Because not caring about it makes life hard? That's not a reason to do something. That's a reason not to do the opposite. That's like saying you should eat more veggies because eating Macs everyday is bad for you. That's just a reason not to eat Macs.

I think perhaps on a more enlightened note, what if this is not a question that needs an answer?

Name: R. Rogers

The man who made this:

and this:

once got this:

NOT Recommended for Year 5 next term

How awesome is that?

More things for the future which I probably wont get around to

A few topics I would like to, one day, hopefully with enough inspiration, write about in my blog:

-Uni and the loss of earnestness. Why I can't tell people things the way I did back when I still wore a school uniform.

-Does a tutor have any responsibility in a students' (academic) decisions

-My life: A lesson in absolute freedom

-Architecture student who can't art: Yes, it does feel a little strange to not want to be an architect after burning 5 years in architecture school

-Why do famous architects all seem like assholes? Great Architects and unwarranted self-importance

-Where is everybody when I need somebody to listen to me. Also, why doesn't anybody tell me to listen to them.

-I can't point fingers anymore because people's feelings are more important than knowing where and how to improve themselves. Also, people look at me funny.

-"You're not important"

-CAP and salary: things everybody wants to know but nobody wants to say

-Numbers don't define people; so stop judging.

-Quick to action, slow to judgement

A bit obvious, but I can't help writing about things that hit close to home.
Good night guys.

last one before dawn

one last stream-of-consciousness post before I sleep. That means, no editing, just thoughts in barely readable sentences.

So right now, every time i go onto facebook or talk to my friends, I feel a tinge of regret because I really missed out on a lot of things. This feeling is strongest when it comes to hall events because it's people you see on a daily basis and even better, you see them AFTER you finish school, when you start to chill.

Next year, I'm probably going to join at least one sport and RHOC, assuming it doesn't create a horrifying experience for me. I want to do more, I want to participate more, and I want to make more meaningful connections. At this point in time, I allocate roughly 95% of my time to my school work and 5% to Hall. To break it down, I spend approximately 2-4 hours per week for hall stuff, including meetings and making stuff like posters and decorations, while I spend about, 12x7 =84 hours a week doing school work. Because school of architecture is ridiculous.

And right now, I am incredibly disillusioned with school work. I don't see the point of an education under these tutors and TAs. I honestly don't see myself doing much more poorly if I hadn't spent that much time on it. It feels like one of those things when you put in hard time and get pretty much the same result as if you spent like an hour on it. It's just ridiculous. And because of my school work, I have missed out on so many times when I could be hanging out with friends and enjoying life.

and the weird thing is, I wouldn't feel this way if the time I put into school work bore any fruit. It's easy to regress into the high school mentality of studying during last minute because it's not like it's going to make much of a difference.

when i see pictures of Dinner and Dance on facebook, i get pretty upset that i had to miss it because of school work. and like what i said above, since it doesn't bear fruit, it doesn't seem like a fair exchange. Why be miserable and learn so little and worse have little to prove for it, when I could be out enjoying the company of friends and have just as little to prove for it.

Every time a social gathering or just talk cock session arises, I find myself consciously sacrificing that moment. those moments start to accumulate and they become a blotch on these memories. What could have been instead of what it is now.

It is quite disappointing.

I'm not sure how much more I'm willing to commit to Hall stuff next sem. I'm really leaning on the side of spending more time in hall, simply because it's a more meaningful experience, both in terms of people and in terms of spirit. It seems stupid to sacrifice relationships for something that's not producing results. It barely even produces any meaningful lessons or educational worth.

I think I've gotten over the naive expectation of semi-greatness (which never really even happened in JC or high school, I just expected to be mediocre throughout.) 2 semesters worth of pointless soul sucking work has taken its toll i guess. I was lucky enough to have a good tutor in sem 1 so I didn't struggle as hard, or to put it in another way, my struggles felt like they were in a good direction, so even when i fell, i knew my face was pointing towards where I wanted to go.

This sem is shit. I honestly loved my 2 lecturers for Akicon and Climate responsive Arch, both of whom are senior lecturers and very good at what they do. But i think its something more. It feels like they both care about their area of expertise and more importantly, they care about the students. Maybe it's something that comes with age.

I realized I've been pretty selfish this semester. All my thoughts have been about myself. It feels somewhat like it violates my spirituality. As if some higher mental capacity is calling me to resist this natural urge and I have failed somewhat spectacularly throughout university. It never became this bad. I haven't been THIS pre-occupied with my own thoughts about myself for a while, especially when I'm doing work. I usually do it only when I'm reflecting. It used to be something I could put aside when I needed to focus on getting something done. Now, it's just ridiculous i guess.

Miscom

So I have this problem for as long as I can remember. I always tend to misunderstand what people are saying. Usually this manifests itself in what most people call "wrong frequency" where 2 people have a conversation for a few lines before realizing they are are actually talking about different things.

I have that quite often in my life, so people who notice this would call me a himbo, even though I fit none of the other characteristics. It does give the impression that I am blur, though.

The reason I'm writing this now is because I anticipate having another one of these episodes this coming Saturday, where I'm having my critique. My tutor (to my ears) said that it was possible to have you analysis diagrams at a different scale from (larger or smaller than) the actual technical drawing. I predict her saying something totally obvious that I've already noticed before she gave me the "advice", like:

It's supposed to be the same scale so you can compare them

but you said the analysis diagrams could be at a different scale so long as you can understand them.

No, I said that you can do that for you site plan (one of the analysis)

or something like that...

The hardest part about this continual "wrong frequency syndrome" is the difficulty of explaining to someone that you actually get it and have actually got it since the start once they have made up their mind that you're blur and borderline retarded.

So Here's the Truth

Partially anyway.

I no longer expect to do well this semester. I had pretty high hopes at the start of the sem, but after everything that's been going on recently, it's getting harder and harder to keep those hopes up.

The reason my last post was of Aang the monk meditating was that well and truly, I expected to use this short 1-week break to sort out my thoughts. All of them.

As of Friday, 3.43 am, I've had maybe one day to do it, less actually. And nothing's really been sorted out. In fact, I broke down even harder at home than I did at school.

The weird thing is that it's really all just small minor things, not like somebody died or me getting expelled. It's just really minor things that happened to hit all at the same time. It's overwhelming. And I'm having trouble picking myself up. The things I used to do that sort of gave me a little encouragement seemed to disappear. My old friends aren't at the studio much now and I've stopped talking to my old kakis in the hall.

This embargo that I've set (for myself) was intended to see or show how much I was valued as a friend, how much my "friends" would need or miss me when I go. I ended up proving how needy I was. I am genuinely disgusted with that. I sought to be independent most of my life and today, I find myself struggling to stand up.

The small silver lining is that at least, unlike last time, only half of these things are caused by myself.

I don't know what to do and I just want to let go. Of everything. I haven't had an emo post like this in a really long time. That was intentional. I wanted to put that side of me in a closet and lock it up.

I am sick and disgusted of myself for all of my problems. For once, I don't blame anybody else for all that has happened. It's enlightening, and yet burdensome at the same time.

All I know is today, I'm not happy with this version of Glennard.

Passion

It's been a long time.

Also if you're wondering why I haven't posted a birthday post this year, it's because I actually had a pretty great time.

Anyway, to the topic.

The main reason why I haven't been updating for the last 6+ weeks was "mainly" because I was busy doing Architecture work in uni. And I don't use the word busy lightly. A brief glimpse of the busiest week of my life: I slept 3 hours plus half hours plus 5 minutes on the last day before crit and by thursday, I couldn't remember what happened on monday. Also, I spent less time outside the studio than I did sleeping, and yes that meant I slept in the studio 90% of the time.

But aside from that, it's interesting to note why people do it. Why do people put themselves through such a rigorous workload to come out only marginally richer or more respected than the average graduate? One thing I've heard pretty often when people (year 1s) try to rationalize is that at least this is more interesting than reading history texts or doing math. And I totally get that. But is simply being interesting enough to get you to stay on the ride for the next 5 years?

Passion seems to be the big thing at play here, and I want to clarify that I have no concept of what passion means. I have never really truly "felt it". I don't know what drives olympic swimmers to go through the regime that they do, or why writers become so attached to their jobs. It doesn't mean I can't feel love for an activity or a thing, I mean I love pool, video games and magic tricks but it never seems right to say I'm passionate about these.

To me, my understanding of passion simply refers to this strange human attachment to something that's so intense it pushes you to do things most people wouldn't. So most intense work regimes fall under this category, olympians, writers et cetera.

But does what I do fall into this category? It's certainly "inhumane". It's not something everyone really fully comprehends until a week later when the weekend becomes 72 hours long and you spend every single one of it in the studio, thinking it's still saturday when you're 2 hours away from the first lecture on monday. It's not easy work. And I do it. Every so often I'd ask myself why I'm here, and I can never get a real answer. I'm just here for the ride I guess. I don't love architecture. I mean it's interesting, but I love to hang out, play some pool and chill on the couch more than I love architecture. Architecture is interesting, but it's no passion. I don't think I'll ever feel as much for anything else like history or writing or engineering. Meanwhile, I'll just keep on trucking.