Happiness

In lieu of a much more pretentious title like bliss or whatever, here's a (hopefully) quick update on my life right now.

I'm happy.

Life is still difficult, in fact, it may even be a bit more difficult than last year. But in many ways, it's also a lot easier.

I'm sitting here right now in my girlfriend's room, typing this as she's doing her revision. I don't have the words to accurately describe my feelings for her. But I'm going to try.

This girl, oh my god this girl. When I hear her singing (which she only really does in the privacy of very few people), I catch myself smiling. She's not very good, as she will rightfully remind you. It reminds me of someone just enjoying the music for what it is, unlike some people (myself included) that sing for our ego.

When she kisses me, I get energized. When I hold her hand, my day gets from bad to good, or good to even better. The old reddit quote I always love seems apt here, "... like a warm, electric fence."

If I'm not spending the night with her, suddenly the bed feels so much emptier. I have never missed anyone as hard as I missed her, and we barely only spend 1 or 2 nights apart.

We just realised Qing Fei De Yi pretty much describes my journey with her. I don't think I can love someone this much. Hope I'm not jinxing it here.

See you next time.

On Change

As a student, change appears to move very quickly, and yet at the same time, not quickly enough. We are intelligent and acute enough to identify flaws, huge flaws especially, and yet never seem to act with any real deliberation.

I was inspired to write this after watching this video about NUS Rag and Flag day.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2u-0uOPQQMo

It's a 25 minute long video but it's worth the watch, documenting the various issues that surround Rag and flag and its relevance.

I believe change needs to move fast. You erase as much as you can while preserving the fundamental values that support the activity or tradition. And then you let strong surviving sentiments seep back in. Some people believe change takes time. They say that it's better to try things slowly, change it bit by bit until it looks different, and hopefully more respectable. I don't know which is better.

But there is a lot of "doublethink" involved in this kind of matters. When you know one side is wrong but cannot directly argue against it.

Founding Father

When I was having a chillout session during softball the other day, somebody said something that just started to rattle in my head for some reason.

My very good friend, who is an ex-softball captain, said "I'm the founding father of this team" in chinese. And that is pretty much 100% true. Its factuality is not what's making me turn this line over and over in my head. It's that it challenges a lot of the basic constructs I form my values around. To place it in context. He became the captain as a Year 2 student in Hall, back when only 4 people out of maybe 10 even wanted to stay on in softball. His first year in the team was terrible, with barely anyone showing up for training and a captain who didn't take anything seriously. So he took over, and one of the first things that happened, whether he consciously made the effort to or not, was a lot of his fellow year 2s joined, myself included. If I recall correctly, about 10 of us joined that year even though we were neither year 1s nor had any experience.

So what he said wasn't wrong. He was indeed the "founding father". We remember him as a good captain, but not because of his skill in softball or even in managing the sport. Simply because he was the one to set this all up.

This makes me uncomfortable (in a nice kind of way), because all my life, I thought you needed skill, experience or competency to be a good leader. You needed these things for people to look up to you. And more importantly, you needed these to do a good job. His success goes against all of that. The greatest gift he brought to the table is his good nature as a friend. He made it so that we WANTED to be a part of whatever he was doing, and not him begging us to join him, a typical position most new leaders are put in. 

So why does this make me uncomfortable, really? Part of my personal identity is modeled around this TV character, Dr. Gregory House, and to a certain extent, his primary inspiration, Detective Sherlock Holmes. The idea that being a good is all that matters, regardless of your (unpleasant) personality. I wanted to be so good that people couldn't "find fault" in me. So I often made competency a priority in my life. If I wasn't good at something, I wouldn't be a worthy partner to discuss with. If I didn't know something, I had little value.

But yet at the same time, I didn't see the world in only black and white. My nature is to be slow in reacting to people, especially if they don't give me a reason to. I want to give people second chances because others have also given it to me. I want to help others and bring them up to the same level, hopefully even transcending me. I couldn't really bring myself to hurt or harm people, especially for selfish reasons. All these sides of me, I considered soft, but at the same time, I could not bear to part with them. They are as much a part of my personality as everything else.

So I felt a need to form a "hard" exterior. I needed to look macho, or fearless or strong or whatever. Whatever it took to make me less vulnerable, less easy to take advantage of. I knew at the end of the day, I am a soft person. But I couldn't let the whole world know that. I became more accepting of judgmental eyes, and that has freed me up to be the "asshole" everyone else knows me by. Because I've stopped caring about what others think of me.

Do forgive me for using such a simple and over-generalising language like "hard and "soft".

This is not an easy burden to carry. Most of the times it doesn't bother me. But sometimes it hits like a freight train. A friend in BMT once asked me, why do you feel the need to be macho? I couldn't come up with an answer. The next day he asked me the same question. I still couldn't answer him. The third day he asked me again. That day I almost cried behind my platoon.

My friend's success at his post reflected a fundamental flaw in my personality, the very basis on which I formed my "character" to the outside world. Where I was "outside hard, inside soft", he was exactly the same inside as he was outside. He doesn't lie about disliking you, and he is sincere when he's helping you. He doesn't calculate or need reasons to help people, he just does, the same way he doesn't need reasons to dislike a person. He didn't need to be competent at his job to be successful. He didn't need to have "value" for us to want to be around him.

I don't think I can ever be this naked to the whole world. I think I need this "security blanket" when I face the world. Sometimes, I think about it really hard, and wonder if the hardness is the main reason for my unattractiveness to girls. Then I answer my own question by saying, what if they are even more unattracted to the softness inside.

An open letter regarding FOCs

An open letter regarding FOCs

For the longest time, I struggled to find the right words to address all this. I figured it would only be right to speak first to those that matter the most.

To Mummy & Papa,

I'm sure you would have read the recent news regarding NUS and the Freshmen Orientation Camps/Projects, and like any loving parent, you would no doubt be worried sick wondering if I am implicated in all this. I am at once embittered, angered, disappointed, saddened, unsure and apologetic. So to get all of this out of the way: Yes, I have participated in unapproved activities before. No, it was nothing like they describe in the papers. No, I have never done anything without a freshman's consent. Yes, we made sure nobody was hurt. No, The New Paper is not telling the whole truth. Yes, the stories are exaggerated. Yes, I am safe.

"A lie can travel halfway the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes."

Calling the article a mischaracterization of NUS freshmen activities is an understatement. To be able to publish a story like this says a lot about the journalistic standards of Singapore and The New Paper. Before this saga, I was apathetic. Today I am embittered. The activities written in the paper are sensationalized, their lewdness exaggerated, their outrageousness maximized. The orange shirt push up photo you see as the cover has already appeared in the same paper a few years back under a similar title, and even more heinously, it's not even from NUS. The videos circulating around are either not from NUS or from years before, of which the organizers have already been disciplined for. All those currently implicated are absolutely innocent and I'm absolutely angered that they have been accused in the first place with no real evidence other than a possibly bitter freshman's "testimony"

As much as you condone these activities and these seniors for doing such unspeakable acts (once upon a time), these are the very same seniors that taught us to discern the right way of doing it and the wrong way of doing it. These are the very same seniors who taught us how to make mature decisions, how to not let your emotions or impulses get the better of you. The very same seniors taught me how to do all these things safely, both physically and mentally. The very same seniors taught me that we support our fellow man by building each other up, not tearing the enemies down. So no matter how tempting it may have been to characterize NUS seniors as perverse, understanding these nuances in the complex and often harsh reality of life made me a better and more holistic person today.

The road to adulthood is paved with stupidity. To pretend it is anything but is to live in denial. A denial that what feels like the whole of Singapore is going through. It seems ludicrous that plenty of "adults" that have gone through their own periods of drinking, partying and general stupidity can act high and mighty once their time was up. Let's not pretend that these students coming in are all angel fairies that need to be protected from the realities of "adult" life. We are adults. And we need to make our own stupid decisions too. They teach us to make better ones. So, No, I'm not sorry for not behaving according to your delusional worldview, and I'm not sorry if it offends your delicate sensibilities.

I am saddened for this current batch of freshmen and seniors because I know the road ahead will be tougher than it has ever been. From today onwards, there is an added level of paranoia, fear and uncertainty among all those who may have intended to step up like we once did. And by missing out on such experiences, they lose what made our NUS lives so enriching. Participating in any capacity in an FOC is thankless job, one that thousands upon thousands of seniors sign up for year after year. There is no compensation, no reward, no real reason to give up precious vacation time to come back to school for this. Yet, we do. We do, because we became a closer family through these camps. I have walked in the shoes of a freshman, an OGL, a camp organizer and a Project Director for orientation. I know that my outlook on life and society around me has been deeply shaped by these experiences, and I want to share these experiences with the incoming freshmen just as my seniors have done for me. Every time I walk out of my front door during summer vacation, it's for orientation. You know that. And I know you look me in the eyes every time and simply ask that I do not do anything stupid and stay safe. I assure you, because of my seniors, I KNOW I'm not doing anything stupid. 

To end off; To my brother, my cousins and all prospective freshmen who at some point will consider NUS as their institute of higher learning, I can only offer my sincerest apologies. The vocal minority has prevailed once again, and you must suffer the consequences for it. Maturity is not a given in any society, and pandering to the lowest denominator does not make us any stronger in any way. Hopefully, the journey that has brought you here has endowed you sufficiently to discern the right from the wrong, the truth from the half-truths. The same path that I took that so enriched my young adulthood will undoubtedly be unrecognizable from your own, but I wish you to become as intelligent, compassionate and wise as those who came before me. 

Vincit Omnia Veritas.

With Love,

Regrets

I've been thinking about my life quite a bit these days. Because Overwatch Beta got closed a few days ago to prepare for launch.

Also, my peers are all graduating.

This is something I've been meaning to write for a while now. And to prevent the flaming failure of my last series on hall stuff, I'm going to keep it, as much as possible, to one point per entry. So that at least, when you read, you get one small but complete picture, rather than going everywhere and not really making any solid conclusions.

There are a number of themes I do want to touch on, hopefully I can cover everything.
Stuff like:
Architecture school, worth it?
The value of college, to a student
Does name and brand matter?
Personal growth over the last 4 years
What if?
Next steps

~~~

But today I'll talk about something that I share an unorthodox perspective on

"Regrets"

One of the questions people bring up, when I mention that I'm not happy at NUS, is whether I regret going to NUS. And that is a difficult question to answer for several reasons.

For me, regret mostly manifests itself as inaction, rather than action. I regret the things I chose not to do, or deliberately chose easier paths to do. But I seldomly regret hard decisions because no matter what, I would look back and say that was the only good decision given the information I had at that time. Like I put myself in particular decision-makers' heads and I don't blame them for doing controversial things, because I could see myself doing the exact same thing at that time.

Every time I hear someone say, I could only have succeeded because I did ABC or been through XYZ, I feel a little queasy. The main reason is that I see experiences as largely interchangeable. Unless there is something unique or overwhelmingly better at this particular school, I won't jump to conclusions and say I'm a smarter person because of NUS, because I don't see the value of NUS making me smarter COMPARED to other competitors. It's like if I get a scuba diving license, I would consider that pretty interchangeable between multiple diving schools. The one I experienced does not seem to have any unique value over the next.

On the other hand, I would, without question, say that SRJC has made me a better person. Because I can internalize the unique value that I would not have gotten elsewhere, namely the excellent teaching staff. To me I can proudly say that statement because it offers value over its nearest equivalent.

And I try to apply that across as many experiences as I can. And it sometimes does offend friends when I say that I might have made similar friends elsewhere and grown in a similar fashion. I have not had such life-altering experiences with most of them, that I feel that Person X or Person Y is truly special. And just to clarify, yes, there are friends I have life-altering experiences with. And they are truly the ones who shaped me into who I am. Whom I wouldn't be here without.

But to really really answer this question. I will say that I feel I have not reach the full maximum of my potential, and that the school and this environment has a very big part to play in that failure.

I can't say for sure, NTU would have been a better fit. Nor can I say NUS was the only culprit.

Because of NUS, I have become smarter, more thoughtful, more deliberate, more idealistic, more guarded, more reserved, more self-centered, more articulate and more cunning. But at the same time, would I have grown similarly somewhere else?

As I write this post, I have to re-examine regret as a concept. Perhaps another way to re-frame this question is whether "Have I become a lesser person than the one I set out to be?"

When I entered this particularly course, I knew I was going to be challenging myself. I don't remember if I was mature enough to accept that there were 2 possible outcomes. Either I was going to come out stronger, or I was going to be broken by the challenge.

But what I can say is, now more than ever, I feel weaker and more confused, even though I've truly known more than I ever have in my life.

So yes, I do feel I have not lived up to what I thought I could achieve. But do I "regret" choosing NUS?

Uatu, the worst Watcher in this reality

No, because it was the best option at the time. Without going through another lifetime, I cannot see what unique experiences NTU or SMU would have given me. I would only have regretted not choosing NUS.

Hall Thoughts: Part 5 (JCRC)

Part 1: Orientation (Done)
Part 2: Juggling Commitments and Time Management (Done)
Part 3: Inter Hall Games (IN PROGRESS)
Part 4: Points, Masterlists, and most importantly who "should" stay (NOT DONE)
Part 5: JCRC
Part 6: Leadership

Seeing as the open call for elects have already been released, I figured I should give some of my thoughts on the JCRC, Junior Common Room Committee. I know it's weird that I'm skipping ahead to part 5 when I haven't done the previous 2. But hey, reasons.

Like before, there are going to be over-generalizations as much as I can try to avoid them. Particularly, I will make a lot of effort to not generalize what I "think" other people think, but that does not mean I'm going to stray away from patterns that I notice which could be totally wrong or unfounded. There is a lot of misinformation around complex issues and Hall is no exception.

I suspect this will be the first piece that I'll post on facebook, so I'm totally prepared to face the backlash (Psst, I'm totally not.)

Anyway, this is what I think of the JCRC.

~~~

For those who are unaware, Junior Common Room Committee is the top of the food chain in tersm of student body groups in the hall system. To simplify it, it would be closest to the Student Council in other schools, although they do not take care of discipline or conduct issues. They pretty much act as a liaison between the SCRC (Senior Common blah blah blah, basically profs that stay in the halls and act as some sort of senior resident here) and the rest of the students.

Now that explanations are out of the way, here are my real thoughts. The JCRCs that I have experienced over the last 4 years have all fallen short of my expectations. This statement can be explained in 1 of 2 ways: either my expectations are too high, or they have been performing way below what should be a reasonable standard.

A lot of my issues with them tend to be leadership-based, so I will try to stay on topic and focus on issues that apply directly or primarily to JCRC members and the system they reside in.

First and foremost, there is very little accountability on JCRC's shoulders. Sure, they are scrutinized to an absurd level before things even get started. But they seldomly need to take responsibility for their actions or their mistakes after the fact. We have seen a lot of under-the-table Masterlisters coming in and contributing nothing to hall. We have seen very disproportionate treatment of particular CCAs or groups of people. And we have also seen people being taken advantage on for being nice, usually those who give up their time for causes nobody else wants to do. As of 4 years, I've seen one case of repercussion on a member, and that is for a pretty extreme case. The milestone inconsistency from last year was never addressed. The milestones for gold and silver bandings were jacked up to pretty difficult levels in an effort to reduce inflation. Guess what, many groups actually pulled it off, but ended up given an unfair banding due to the same inflation issue. Many had to back their milestone documents up and email back in order to get their deserved banding or just accept a lower banding than what you were promised. It's pretty bullshit. Most still ended up getting lower than what they deserved, although I would say, a few did get higher than they should have. Keep this in mind as I talk about the subsequent issues.

The system breeds a certain level of self-serving-"ness". I've often heard about "elects-hunting", which is essentially peer pressuring a new guy into taking a job that has no volunteers for a relatively long amount of time. That practice is immensely stressful for the person involved, borderline unethical. And the part I disagree with the most is that they often just sweet talk their way in. See, the biggest concern most people have is the lack of time, either that they prefer to study and maintain their grades or they would rather keep doing their 3 or 4 activities. And you know it's incredibly bullshit when someone actually tells this naive, uninformed kid that you will confirm have time to pursue other things, and that JCRC won't take up that much time. How can you say that in the same breath as saying that you may have to give up a few CCAs in order to do JCRC? Everyone who has eyes knows that this is a time-consuming job. This is not an outlier case, it happens pretty much every year with every "potential" candidate. Don't start their task off with such a blatant lie.

Now, a lot of my peers add on to my rant and say "They don't understand what people on the ground are doing!" I don't quite agree. The analogy I like to use here is the PAP ministers. Unlike other countries, they often take up portfolios that they have little prior experience in and they operate so high above the chain of command that they cannot possibly understand every group of people under their charge. That is an essential limitation that I am willing to accept. Because leadership on that level requires very broad, abstract understanding of how to move forward on a big-picture level. I get it. What I'm not willing to accept on the other hand is the inconsistency. Inconsistency with different issues. Inconsistency with different people. Just the inability to be fair. The points thing comes to mind most frequently but I'm sure there are many more examples out there. Many things that we as hall residents do become reduced to tickmarks on a checklist and the human element is then lost. Effort is hard to quantify and as such, CCAs that rely on hard numbers usually win out, like bizcom or photographers, while groups like Dance or SMC. It's a lazy fallback when you don't know what to do and you've never really thought hard about this issue. The block/social comm is also another big issue of contention that I won't mention here less I overkill on this topic.

Most if not all the JCRCs I've witnessed has never gotten past the "keeping the ship afloat" phase. They usually just run the day-to-day and try to prevent everything from falling apart. I remember coming in as a freshmen and thinking that the amazing freedom and maturity of university students means that they would be able to really push things forward in an awesome or semi life-changing way. Things like RHEX fall under this category. Initiatives that serve to better the community in whole or in part. But I didn't manage to see this in my time here. I do see a bit of small initiatives here and there by CCA heads (like the Phoenix Press newsletters) that try to better the place. But I haven't really seen anything substantial by the most powerful among us. I don't even see the effort to move forward as a community. All I see is a lot of routine and a lot of lip service. The closest is the archival thing a few years ago, which while useful on paper, has yet to serve as a practically useful tool for incoming leaders. I don't even know if they have still been carrying on with this practice, because I know I haven't been asked to submit anything. At this point, you can't really look at them as leaders so much as liaison, and that's exactly my viewpoint for the later part of my years here. 

At the start of every election, the elects will often state why they wish to pursue this position. Often times you will hear about passion or making this place an even better one. What I've come to realize is that your intentions as a person no longer matters to me. I don't care if you are the most kind-hearted, genuine, sincere, trust-worthy, hard-working person on the planet. I just care about what you plan to do and whether you can do it. Because I've seen good people falter under the weight of the decisions they have had to make, the sacrifices that they have given. After 4 years here, I can't see this as a altruistic or morally right thing to do anymore, being a JCRC member/leader. All I see is another task that needs to be taken up by some poor shmuck with CAP to burn.

~~~

tl;dr Don't be a JCRC member unless you think it's going to help in your resume. Above are 4 reasons why it's a still a terrible idea.

Addendum: Unfortunately, due to length, I was unable to add my own suggestions or changes that can improve this system. But believe me when I say this is a systemic problem, meaning a good leader can come in and make everything sunshine and rainbows again, but it's still gonna collapse once he's gone and nobody good replaces him.

Hall Thoughts: Part 2 (Juggling Commitments)

There will always be issues in hall. I just thought I'd write them down and condense my opinions in one place. And like before, I will try my best not to generalize other people's opinions, using mainly facts or my own thoughts, because I think it's unfair not just to those I'm slandering but also to the ones I agree with.

I want to make it a 6-part series. No real reason on why the number 6. But so far, what I have in mind is something like this.

Part 1: Orientation (Done)
Part 2: Juggling Commitments and Time Management
Part 3: Leadership
Part 4: JCRC
Part 5: Undecided
Part 6: Undecided

I actually had a really good idea on what to write for the final part, but I forgot. Sorry. Anyway, it should look something like this.

Which reminds me, I have laundry to wash.

~~~

So right now is the CCA selection phase, as freshies are pulled here and there towards activities they themselves have no idea if they are interested yet. It's an annual cycle that parks itself right before serious lessons or assignments start so freshmen never really have a good handle on their craziness of their schedule until after the fact. And this is compounded by the fact that they actually have not started on their tutorials yet, giving them another false sense of "hey, I got this..."

Regardless of how much they think they got this, captains and chairpersons area always advised to select and retain more members that they think is necessary, because inevitably, the number starts to taper off once everyone gets into their midterms. I assume everyone reading this will understand why.

So why am I talking about this? Actually I don't believe there is anything wrong with this. It's just the way the world works today. If you find that this way of doing things is not right for you, you find another way of doing it. Some people truly do end up dropping out of their hall life because they cannot cope with so many commitments. But yet, if we really look deep and ask ourselves if we Can't do it, or we don't Want to do it, what answer do you expect to get? Then we go another level and ask, why is it that all these people around me and countless before have managed to juggle hall and school and remain excelling at both?

Juggling multiple commitments is not easy. You are constantly pulled in different directions by different factors. Why put yourself through this much angst of ANOTHER time-consuming activity. We do it because we enjoy being there. We enjoy the activities that we joined. At least, that's what it's like for me. There's nothing wrong with trying something out and realising it's not the right fit for you. I didn't find my 3 favourite CCAs on my first try. Neither did most of my peers. But what's important is that you give it a sincere try. It's meaningless to put your name to something that you aren't really interested in. There's no point joining 7 CCAs and attending less than half for each. There's no point signing up and saying you have no time. You will never ever have enough time for anything if you have that attitude. All of us struggle to find our own ways of juggling, but why did we put in that effort in the first place? Different people have different reasons. Some will say they want to test themselves. Others will say they want to accompany friends. At the end of the day, whatever reason they have for putting themselves through this, it was worth it to them.

And if you ever want to pull through and juggle hall alongside your many other commitments, you also need to find a reason that's worth it to you.

~~~

Never believe anyone for a minute that they have "no time". "No time" is the ultimate excuse right behind "I want to focus on my studies". I believe people are very simple. They will always be able to make time for the things they want to do.

Let me make a very simple analogy that everyone can relate to. Suppose you come back after a long, hard day. You're tired. You're hungry. You're probably also in need of a shower. Which one do you satisfy first? Sleep, Food or Bath? Everyone has a different priority. Sometimes, even the same person may do something different due to the circumstances. Sometimes, you may even end up not doing one of the 3 at all. Everyone has experienced one of those days where you end up so deadbeat tired you can literally sleep on the floor, even if you're hungry or dirty. And here's the kicker, even the super clean freaks do this as well. Those that cannot go without a shower, also have had days where they just crash somewhere without cleaning themselves. That's because in that moment, priority goes to sleep more so than his own neuroses. Everything boils down to priorities. Everyone can put aside certain things if they really want something. In this case, it happened to be sleep. It doesn't make him any less of a clean freak. It's just the circumstance.

So coming back to hall and commitments. I'm not making the argument here that people don't study or they don't prioritise academia. But what I am saying is that it's always possible to put those things to one side. And I'm not just pointing to books as a culprit. Sometimes people will say they need to go out with their girlfriends or friends or even another competing CCA. To me, life is really about how much you want to be present for. And I prioritise my life with that in the center. Eventually, if you miss out on something regularly enough, people will just assume you won't show up. By then, it wouldn't even matter if you had the right intentions.

Never believe someone who says he has no time until he starts sleeping less than 2 hours a day. I have been in that position and I was still able to find time for my friend's birthday BBQ. Would I do it for everyone I knew? Heck no. But some people are important enough for me to take out 4 hours of my time during a critical school period. Some people are worth it. Some things are worth it. Ultimately you have to be the judge and decide whether this moment is worth losing some sleep or study time over. Sleep is not precious. I can always sleep more some other day. But if I miss this moment, will I get another chance?

~~~

Knowing this means that you have to come to terms with the fact that people just aren't interested in what you want them to do. To deal with this, there are 2 approaches, make the environment worth that guy re-prioritizing or get rid of them. I regularly take the latter approach if I find someone not worth my time, even if it is at the expense of a higher workload. Because I feel the effort expended to woo him is simply not worth it.

As for me, I made it a point to be present for every RHOC meeting, event or activity. Because I knew it was important that I can and will do anything alongside my RHOCers. I made it a point to attend as many softball trainings as I could because I knew that I wanted to be good enough to play on the team based on my own merit. I made it a point to finish my Phoenix Press assignments on time, because it was something my friend truly believed in, and since my initial impetus is to help her; it only made sense to help her all the way. And last but not least, I made it a point to say yes every time a friend asked me out for an outing, because I knew whatever else I might have been doing instead will always be less meaningful than spending time with my friends.

School doesn't make any demands on my time, Because at the end of the day, I'm not going to remember the super helpful lecture or the amazing grades I got. All school does is make requests of my time, and I say yes pending my other commitments.

I want to end off by saying this. Figure out what you truly want to do with your life. Figure out what's worth sacrificing for. This post is not meant to teach you how to juggle hall and school. If hall is really not what you want to do with your time here, my sincerest suggestion is to find something worth spending your time on. Hall is simple another avenue for people to get together and do things. If you're not interested in that, then don't force yourself into loving it.

Hall Thoughts: Part 1 (Orientation)

Seeing as I have a little off time now, and the fact that I need to brush up on my writing for a bit, I thought I would take a shot at writing about some of the issues going on in hall.

It would seem appropriate to say here that I will try to avoid over-generalizing opinions of other people. I will mainly use either logic or my own personal opinion without trying to represent anyone else. I think that's fair for everyone when inevitably someone rages, they have someone to direct it towards.

Also, I'm waiting for my laundry to dry.

~~~

Let's start with my favourite topic! Orientation!

So by now I assume a good number of people have heard about our decision to disband RHOC. By that I mean, we will not be continuing our legacy that has lasted at least a good 20 years, and we will not be, as much as I can help it, interfering or advising the new batch of orientation committees.

There are a number of reasons for this, and people have started to question myself or my members about it. Most of them start with "Eh why nobody want to do RHOC anymore? You all cannot find successor ar?" I wish it was as simple as finding a successor.

To fully understand why, we have to backtrack way way back. All the way back to when RHOC lasted 3 weeks. I cannot imagine a RHOC that lasts 3 weeks. Neither can any of my contemporaries. But from what I understand, RHOC is this huge entity of fear, excitement, fun and mostly reactionary movement from clueless freshmen that stretches even into the school time. This RHOC would have incredible things, from typical orientation games, to an insane Cozy Bedroom tunnel constructed our of Comm Hall tables that stretched from our front porch to where T-lab is now, to a phoenix explosion so loud people once called Clementi Police to come down to investigate, to a Sentosa day that lasted from morning til the next day, to Block Orientation that actually made the freshies slide down the slope in every block, to IBG that actually had some competitiveness. What we have today, is simply a watered down version. Many of my predecessors could only dream of doing something as massive as this.

And most amazingly of all, it was planned within a 3 month period when exams end in May til end July.

With that, I come to the first reason for ending RHOC; because it will always remain a sliver of what is an actually impressive package. When we RHOCers start planning, we always ask ourselves and our incoming committee members whether they want to maintain the traditional activities. Invariably we will say yes, because we look back at our seniors and marvel at the great job they have done and wonder if we will ever reach that same greatness. We have set our expectations based on the successes of the past and naturally, want to emulate that same success, either through direct imitation or through capturing the essence of the activity or the camp. The fundamental problem with that it's impossible for us to go back to "the good old days", because today's safety restrictions and expectations are much greater than they were before. It's easy to point the finger at OSA or even SCRC and accuse them of clamping down too harshly on the camp planners, but it turns out that this problem is simply a symptom of perceptions throughout the nation. Sentosa has banned both (unofficial) overnight stays as well as burning of campfires or BBQs. Parents are calling into Hall Office before the camp even begins. This is not the same world our seniors lived in 20 years ago. We couldn't get away with things even if we wanted to.

I do not see a future where the circumstances around RHOC start moving in the opposite direction, where we are encouraged or at least supported to go to the extent that our seniors did. I can only see our activities become more and more restricted. Since we place such a huge importance on continuity and legacy, it is only inevitable that RHOC becomes more and more watered down. This is perhaps one of the reasons why we always seem one step behind other faculty camps, or even RHEX in terms of genuinely fun activities, because we are tied down by both our and the hall residents' expectations of us to remain a "legacy", a legacy that they did not know have been eroding and eroding ever since an administrator first started paying attention to hall camps.

On a similar topic, we move on to reason number 2, the new generation of campers. The RHOC that we know today is based around the "1990s freshmen". They had different tastes, different preferences and most importantly different levels of tolerances. At that time, it wasn't unusual to see freshmen in actual confusion and frustration but yet still go through with something forced upon them. Pain was a powerful way of bonding people. I understood that very clearly when I was still wearing an NPCC uniform. It's sad to say but today's kids aren't like that. They have been pampered by parents throughout a good part of their lives and do not simply accept that they have to go through group suffering, choosing instead to just walk away. Last year, we had this "revolution" incident during the Big Ball Game, where some freshmen actually demanded their rights to not be treated terribly and wanted to just walk away. This year, I was so afraid of that happening en masse that I actually stationed more seniors at the ground floor and prepped them to "counsel" and reduce damage.

This may seem like a small problem, but its sinisterness lies in its deception. For every one such case where walking away is brought to our attention, regardless of how dramatic it was, 5 of them slip under our radar. Like most, I was never aware of the fact that so many people were walking away. It is only during my time as chairperson, that this really hit me right smack in the face. With PDPA seriously enforced this year, we had to directly collect information from freshmen, and it became starkly obvious that there was a serious number of people who were not even going to give the camp a chance, outrightly telling us that they are checking into hall but not attending the camp. And that is even before the camp has started! As camp coordinators, we can only focus our attention and actions on whoever is present, and if they are not present, we totally cannot do anything about it.

What I suspect is that future generations of freshmen will be less tolerant to the type of camp that we run. We are not as friendly, as approachable, or as "entry-level" as other camps. I think anyone who has attended RHOC understands that there is a level of strictness precisely because of the legacy that it carries. The trend that we have witnessed is that more and more freshmen are unwilling to put themselves through this, and more freshmen are willing to walk away back to their rooms, while the camp is happening right outside their rooms, if they find it unsatisfactory. This was an unimaginable circumstance to RHOCers 20 years ago, but this is something we constantly see today.

There will be some out there who will ask us to tone it down to cater to this ever- growing group. My problem is that this is already toned down and yet freshies are leaving before they ever reach the end. There is only so much I can do in this aspect of the camp because we have been here too long already. Our seniors have done too good a job to teaching us to think this way. I no longer know how to do a Big Ball Game that doesn't involve tekkaning people. In fact, I cannot even imagine someone less fierce conducting it. That is the extent to which I am , as Dr. Ho will put it, "in love with the plan." The way RHOC was set up and how it developed over the years has made it into this form that all of us have experienced. Whether as RHOCers, we like it or not, is irrelevant. But to fail to capture that essence is to do it injustice, at least for those of us who have understood the message that the seniors have passed down. I am both unwilling and unable to change RHOC into a form that can cater to this new generation of freshmen, the ones that run at the first sign of pain. And I know that this is a growing population, which will become larger as the years go by. It is simply a sign of the times. We must accept that. Everyone of us in the meeting room were asked to imagine a form of the Big Ball Game that doesn't alienate this group. None of us could do it. That is why I believe disbanding RHOC and setting up a new orientation programme from scratch is the ideal way to go, with as little assistance from present RHOCers as possible.

And then there are the problems that we never found a fix for. One thing that I don't suspect will change in our favour, at least in the next 5 years, is the hall vs faculty competition. There has been a constant competition for freshmen attention between these 2 groups ever since I stepped into hall. At least from what I observe, faculty events are either getting a lot more support, or way less oversight, because both the scale and the engagement is getting more and more ridiculous. There are fundamentally elements that act in their favour, most importantly, the prime timing of their FOPs as well as the undivided attention they get, seeing as there is no competition from outside bodies. Halls cannot act as early because the dates never come in soon enough. Students must always accept their course of choosing before they even think about coming into hall. And with that, there is a good solid month or 2 of attention on them. Furthermore, all their camps require applications, which means the interested campers self-select and get surrounded by other interested campers, creating a false impression that their entire faculty is filled with such people. Contrast that with the forced nature of hall and the cramped schedule of our orientation and its easy to see why the appeal of faculty is so strong. And with the problems I already mentioned above, the differences become even starker. I have contemplated this problem with RHOCers over the years and often we simply see it as another limitation that RHOC must endure. With OSA clamping down harder and harder on hall camps, not just ours, but other halls as well, along with seemingly little interference for the faculty ones, it just seems like a losing battle. I once joked that for a faculty camp, you can have zero programmes but enough OGLs and freshmen and everyone will still consider it a success. The success of a faculty has no dependence on neither the excellence of the execution or the competency of its coordinators. They literally, in all sense of the word, just need to get their freshmen and seniors to show up.

All these are things that are inevitable, and if we choose to force our way through, we will only prolong the inevitable. On the other hand, we can start to fix things that we can fix now. We have real problems in the hall right now. We can try to fix them.

For FOPs, meaning RHEX and RHOC, we have quite a lot of oversight from the SCRC. At least from my perspective, there is a serious disagreement between our agenda and what method we believe is the best way to achieve it. I think we want different things and when that becomes contested, people become frustrated. Take the never-ending angst fest that is RHEX. Nothing puts it quite into perspective as having 4 consecutive RHEX heads telling their successors that same thing; the job is not worth it. The SCRC has its own pressures from upper management. We understand that. But at the same time, we want to feel like our management has our back, that it's willing to support and guide us when they see the conviction we have in what we do. Now, we see a lot of shutting down and shrinking away instead.

I'm a pessimist. I don't assume things will turn out better just because I want it to. I see 2 options to end this conflict. Either the SCRC changes its perspective, which none of us believe will happen to a degree that we are satisfied with, or we change our perspective. I believe if you install a new group of people to run orientation, you will attract a new breed of people. Since this group of coordinators are new, they are more open to influence, and since this is a key event for hall, the SCRC will most likely have a hand in ensuring that this runs smoothly. If the influence from the SCRC is there, it is possible that the camp they run attracts the kind of people who agree with SCRC, because that's the nature of the camp. Take RHEX for an example, RHEX will always draw in people who like RHEX, and people who don't like RHEX either will get turned off and don't apply, or they will still apply and end up finding something they like about hall. This cycle repeats itself and it's not inconceivable that you attract people who have similar tastes. I think the same thing can be done regarding SCRC. The timing just takes more time to adjust because there is still a resistance to them present in hall.

So these are all the external reasons. There are also some internal ones. RHOC has a very serious demand on students' time. Everyone who has been through RHOC has had to sacrifice. They have had to sacrifice their vacation time and more importantly, they have had to sacrifice time making friends with freshies during the most optimum time. The demands on an undergraduate's time is getting greater and greater. Summer school, internship, IA, SEP, NOC, community projects, etc. The list goes on and on. I cannot bring myself to "coerce" somebody to carry on doing RHOC because at the end of the day, RHOC is just a camp. It's just a camp for 200-odd people who had so much fun with each other they won't remember what you gave up for them. I can't bring myself to make them give up the things that really matter for something as insignificant as a camp.

All I can do is present the options and let them decide themselves. Sometimes I even advise them to drop RHOC, because they would be sacrificing too much. I have already seen when students cannot juggle, and often they make the choice and have to live with it. I am proud that I come from a line of people who has kept up this legacy. I am proud of the people who have made this sacrifice alongside me. But at the same time, I can't help but wish my juniors didn't have to. That they could have had the time to spend making friends with freshmen. Because that's what I wanted.

In short, I hope you understand why we chose to disband. Do not reduce our rationales into "cuz nobody want to do lor" I think that's is really disrespectful of the agony we went through to make this decision. We really do hope for a better future. We gave up our chance to do it next year, so that others may do it better. This is a new opportunity for the hall. Maybe you can succeed where we have failed. Good luck.

4 moaning sessions

4 moaning sessions

~~~

So i had this girl who just dropped out of her tasked job in rhoc. dont worry she didnt go as far as to drop out of everything, thank goodness. but it was still jarring.

it was so jarring in fact i had to screenshot 15 pages of the chat log and send to my friend to help me analyse if i said anything stupid. i didn't. according to him anyway. the closest we got to anything going wrong was the fact that i pushed the fact that my experience was telling her not to do something that she wanted to do. apparently, saying that reminded my friend of when his boss used to "push" him around using experience as the excuse, but even he admits he was in the wrong for feeling like this, regardless of whether the boss was right or wrong.

maybe its a gen-y thing. maybe we've learnt to grow up needing to know the reason behind everything that we cant simply accept something is something because somebody said it is. we have to know why or we'll be mopey, pissed off or unmotivated.

~~~

i dont think i have even learnt the basics of how to communicate with people in nus.

a good while ago, i decided i wasn't going to chase after nus girls anymore. this came after i stopped focusing on one particular girl (i.e. she rejected me) and started focusing on everyone. it turns out i dont click well with anyone in this rung of society. i always say something stupid and the people here cant seem to brush it off and accept that someone as stupid as myself is breathing the same air as them. or i always say something hurtful and people here will hold it against me every time they have to utter a word in my presence. maybe i shouldn't say anything at all.

im used to being the underdog, surrounded by other underdogs, where success is not guaranteed, and if you get it, you are the fortunate one out of 100. but that doesn't matter to the underdogs, because they will still cheer you on, knowing that one of them is now going further than anyone ever expected, and be genuinely happy about it. not very different from how you cheer when your countrymen won a medal, even though you don't have any connection to it at all.

i dont belong in nus. she doesn't seem to agree with what i want to do.

i want to step down the ladder a few steps and hang out with people there. who are hopefully more like me than i care to admit, and click on a more basic level. i hope this is not a the grass is always greener on the other side scenario.

i stretched too far to get into nus anyway. i dont belong here.

i dont like the value system here. you are nothing if you have no value to someone else. it works like this in hall. it works like this in school. it works like this in administration. your opinion doesnt matter if you are not important to someone somewhere. you dont matter if you have no value.

i dont like people not being recognized or respected for the work they put in. when you get high enough and all responsibilities and tasks and titles and ranks seem to blend into one crazy mix, its easy to forget to acknowledge those that made your life easier. we have expectations of people but we never celebrate them, however horrid or fantastic of a job they did. we don't. we don't vilify the terrible leaders nor do we celebrate the good ones. we just let them go through the revolving door and watch another helpless sap realize what he's gotten himself into.

and people also regularly forget that the people under them need their support. they need to know that people appreciate their work. because this is not a job. there has never been an obligation to do this. i'm putting my free time to use here because i believe in something worthwhile, something greater than myself. and then you treat me like i'm just another worker here to get the job done and go home. for what? i don't even get to bring any bacon home, why should i do a job for you? we've forgotten what it means to aspire to something greater, and maybe, just maybe, we've lost a bit of humanity.

i guess i just dont like being here.

~~~

making mistakes is fine. whats complicated is knowing in advance someone under your charge will make a mistake, and letting them do it anyway.

this has happened a few times already over the past year. and i never know how to handle it. and i don't really have anyone to talk to because everyone here is a jerk and i hate them.

so it's strange watching a tragedy unfold exactly as how you've predicted it. and i guess i do have some responsibility in preventing such tragedies in the first place. but how far do you go? do you just dictate anything and everything that needs to be done? that's the role of a salaryman. that's not why i took this responsibility.

i have far greater motivations than merely dictating instructions to robots

~~~

i'm not happy with who or where i am now, but i think i'm comfortable here.

here's the logic behind it. i'm not happy with myself, because of poor self-confidence, bad experiences, whatever. i tell people about it, and inevitably, they will say i need to change who i am. but i will always be so vehemently against change that i even outright lie to them and say i'm happy with who i am now. i never am. so naturally, it leads to the fact that there must be something about the here and the now that i'm unwilling to change. maybe im too afraid of change. maybe i dont want to work myself hard in order to change. maybe i'm just lazy.

i don't like who i am or where i am now. but not enough to try to change.

maybe i'd just rather moan than actually try to become happy.

~~~

"the bigger picture"

When I was in secondary school, my friends in NPCC used to love use the term "brother".  like "eh brother" or "yi qi zuo la, wo men shi brother ma" [do it together la, we are brothers]

I've quickly learnt to discard the term from my vocabulary after I left sec 4.

It wasn't because I didn't believe that we were in fact, brothers, so to speak, but because I believed it too much. It became a reminder of that almost betrayal, not something that someone did intentionally, but a sort of social contract that both parties weren't aware of, but somehow he broke it.

I don't use it nowadays, except for people I don't particularly care about, but for some reason need something out of them,  like when I need a person-in-charge to close one eye while I use some facility.

I'm in university now, and there's another term I've grown to despise.

"The bigger picture"

There are 2 people I used to respect that use it as a way to justify their actions, but MY own opinion is that if that's your justification, it means you have not done your job as well as you should have. Because that term never comes out as anything other than an excuse, like I was lazy and couldn't be bothered. Except in this case, they did bother but in a way that produced a certain set of problems. My personal problem with this is that it doesn't necessarily come with a solution or even an implicit promise to get a better solution. It's just a way to shut people up. Because I wouldn't even be speaking to you about this if you hadn't overlooked it.

The first time I heard it, it really shattered my confidence. I thought I was in the wrong for thinking that much in detail, like I really shouldn't think that far ahead. But I've since spoke with those more experienced than myself and it seems more and more that for those I've asked anyway, there isn't really such a thing as asking too many questions. Someone at that stage of planning should be aware of all consideration, not just "the bigger picture", and if they've overlooked something, they, themselves, will try to work out a solution alone or with the person who raised the consideration.

So I've felt a bit better after that.

But even after speaking to other uninvolved friends about it, I still have that nagging doubt, because I can never adequately describe that things that I say or the questions that I ask, and they are never around to assess the situation without my biases since I'm explaining the situation to them after the fact.

So yeah, words and stuff.

~~~

As an aside, I've realized that we are most heavily influenced by our first experience with something. Like in RHOC, most of us are shaped by our experiences as secretaries in year 1, as opposed to anything else. And inevitably, most people will think that their year 1 is the best camp that they made happen.

But what interests me is that we seem to have different yardsticks by how we measure the success of each our our own experiences and why it is "justified" to be the best one. For example, I felt that my first year was the best because we managed to do something incredibly large in scale and hasn't been done in 10 years because of the difficulty, scale and actual human danger, but also that my batch were more independent and competent in their own areas to the point where you can trust them to get things done. On the other hand, I spoke with a senior once and she said her year was the best not because of reasons regarding execution or even the campers. She just said that it was the best because they were the most bonded and had the most fun as a group. For me, I would never consider that "success" other than a sort of consolation prize, but she truly believed that that particular bond outweighed whatever camp they actually made.

It's really interesting still though.

The 12 Year Lesson

When I was in primary 6, I took my PSLE papers and had decent results. If I remember correctly, I got 211, which by all means is not a terrible score.

I cried that night.

I had a friend then who wasn't the smartest person I knew, but he had his talents in other areas, specifically art. He sat in front of me in class and when I asked him about his score, he turned around and said 213. It felt weird and uncomfortable because it violated the status quo somewhat. I was supposed to be the book guy and he was supposed to be the art guy. It felt wrong.

Then I went home and checked the cut off points of the nearby secondary schools and found that I would always be a few points short of those schools. Maris Stella, North Vista, Nan Chiau, etc, alwasy just 2 or 3 or 4 points short. And that was where the disappointment really came in.

So after I came to my senses, I told my mum I would go to Holy Innocents' High, despite meeting the criteria for other marginally better, but ultimately too inconvenient schools. I told her that I would go back to the affiliated schools and become the best in that small school.

~

When I took my O Levels, I got 15. My target was at least 10. I also cried that night. I had to accept my fate that I would go into a JC that I had all but written off. The same school that I used to say "Go there might as well go poly."

I ended up breaking all my (and my teachers') expectations when I took my A levels.

~

Perhaps it is because of my upbringing and the people I grew up with, but I learnt that ambition is not the best quality for myself as a person. When I did so fantastically well in the As, that I thought I was on top of the world; that I should really challenge myself and enter Architecture. I really, for that one moment, thought I was invincible. Just because I got a couple of As. What you don't know is that living in a 3-mrt zone. when your whole world revolves around Kovan, Hougang, Sengkang, that impossibly disgustingly smart people exist. And not only that, they are capable and athletic and talented in all the areas that you can never hope to be.

But I hear what you are saying, "Other people's abilities shouldn't affect you as person." The problem is that they do. The system we exist in doesn't recognize individuals as uniquely abled, but as relative numbers in a scale. "You are only good to me if you are the most capable person available to me." And because of that I have been turned away multiple times in my university life.

I thought that when I entered the premier Uni in Singapore, I would be open to a world of opportunities. The problem is that I have always been at the bottom of that barrel. Suddenly I became a nobody, with no real skills to hold to my name. I've never been the most charming or the most sociable. I've never had sports or arts or music to stand behind. And now, what people used to remember me fondly of as that smart guy, suddenly became meaningless as I became surrounded by a bunch of other smart guys. I understand that my A level results was a fluke, both then and now, but I liked to hold it up as a reminder of my ability, as superficial or fragile as that might seem.

~

So after all that I've said, why does this matter? Grades aren't important. Ya, this isn't about grades. It's about happiness. 12 years after my PSLE posting, I have figured out that the best life decision I can make is always the convenient one, not the challenging one. When I ever get stuck about where to go in life, between what I'm good at or what I like the most. Always pick the one that I'm good at. Because you don't ever stop being good at it, but you never know if you will ever stop liking it that much. Be happy in that little bubble and be ignorant of what is out there. Because it's happier to be happy and stupid than to be sad and smart. Don't surround yourself with people who are too similar to you in ability, both the type and the level, because you become unremarkable, unnoticable and to a certain extent, unhelpful.

~

I have become such a bitter, cynical person that I sometimes wonder if entering Uni was ever the choice. I can't really openly trust someone any more, and it seems like a loss of innocence somewhat.

A Sobering Thought

I'm going to be the head of Raffles Hall Orientation Camp 15/16 (RHOC). Well, not technically, I will be co-chairing it with 2 other people, one of them won't even be staying in hall in the first place. This position is something that I've wanted for the past almost 2 years, and the system was recently altered from 1 main chairperson, with 1 or more vice-chair, to having 3 co-chair sharing the same authority.

It was never like this for a very simple reason, that the people need one person to look up to to make decisions, some of which can be urgent and require immediate attention. I personally do not agree with this, and have often thought about walking away. I don't think having 3 people to deliberate over issues makes us any better, than it would have with one person, and this week has proven that over and over again.

The reason, the very simple reason that we did this with my year is simply that we are incapable. Not one of us is capable of taking the lead role, for one reason or another. Every better candidate has either left, or is somehow caught up with his/her own personal matters. What's left is this loser standing there, the one they didn't even need to discuss anything about because he gave such a definitive answer to whether he was going to do RHOC for a 3rd year, the one that was going to be hanging around the cool kids no matter what happened. This guy. And I'm just incapable of leading it by myself, that we need a guy who has already left the hall to hold our hand.

I don't think anyone can mistake my attitude as being happy about this. And trust me when I say if the right person reads this, I would get so fucked. But I'm bitter for 2 reasons. One that the system is simply not good for anyone and two, that I haven't been able to prove my worth, not only to those outside our workgroup but those within as well.

It was very clear during that Tuesday conversation that I was not going to be a solo head. The situation was laid out very clearly, that higher ups will stop me (although who exactly I'm not sure, because that answer always seemed to be "self-censored"). It was either going to be 3 co-chairs or one main chair, the one who left hall. Yup, the one who left hall. So unconfident in me and the other girl that they were will to take the chance on a guy who made the active and conscious decision to leave hall. And throughout that conversation, we would keep coming up with situations and scenarios to defend our arguments, and it became increasingly clear, crystal clear, that in no situations would I ever end up as the main chair. Zero. I would simply be there to carry weight. And it pisses me off, even as I'm typing this, like one week later, confident that the bad feels had all but evaporated. It was really a sobering thought for the gears to slowly turn in my head and make that realisation. That this person (my senior) was constantly thinking with that assumption in mind. "Do you think he will listen to you all properly if you were only vice?", "Are you sure he won't outplay you all even if you make any kind of arrangements to see each other as equals?" These lines exemplify the underlying assumption that I'm talking about. Because none of the "he" in those situations were ever directed as me. All of those situations had us as vice in mind. Because there was zero chance that either one of us were going to be in that position, at least not in her mind.

So why am I here? After all this bs, why am I still taking this job as co-chair? Because it meant we could buy time. My senior said that this system, at least for now, is just to get past the current oversight so we can move on to more important things, we could change it later when people are looking down so much. But honestly, I had no confidence in ever changing the system. I just needed a reason to hang on. I knew we weren't buying time. I knew we weren't going to change back to the 1 chair system unless some accident happens. I knew. But at that moment, I just needed a reason to walk out of that room. In my room, I had honestly entertained the thought of outplaying the others, to undersell the other 2's contributions and commitment and to become the only one hanging around that people would look to for advice, and all other dirty bullshit that comes with tactics like this. But I'm not going to do it. I can't justify it to myself. This wasn't worth compromising my morals. As much as I want this, for myself to be the chair, I couldn't make peace with those actions if I did them.

And what's worse is that I know other people do it and they can sleep at night just fine, because to them it's not morally wrong, it's just giving selective information. And I'm not like that. I have put myself in the line of fire for choosing to believe people are mature enough to handle the truth. I have been heavily criticised for saying things that people themselves wished they could hear more often. And I wasn't even using the usual mean asshole tone of voice that I normally use.

Something that I've learnt, even in this short 1 week tenure, is this idea that you can no longer represent "just" yourself in any conversation any more, that as someone with some title, it's always about the other side. That you have to look at them as an individual with personal commitments and personal feelings, but they get some leeway to look at you as something outside of a human person. I can't ever really use this line that I always seem to use any more: "eh guys, just cooperate with me la, I very tired already." Because I can't be tired any more, I have to do this, this job thing, and the worse part is that I never even realised that I had taken on that mantle or that people's perspective of me changed until someone texted me "am I supposed to comfort you".

Yup, this is the real world.

This is the world I signed up for.


~~~

Sometimes, people will care enough to ask me why I still want to stay here. Sometimes, maybe like once, and ironically, it's never the people in my own workgroup. Just random people that I happen to share my sob story with. RHOC is the only thing in my life that I have ever committed out of principle before. In the past, and I'm sure it's true with most people, we stick with things we don't want to do because we knew that we would go through it with our friends, and that they would suffer if we just walked out. And it was like that for me as well, for everything except RHOC. At the end of my first year in RHOC, I couldn't even ask myself who were my friends in the end. There was no one I talked to seriously about staying a second time, and likewise no one really approached me to get a totally honest answer. Just, "eh you staying anot?" "Dunno leh, see how next year lor" type of conversation. So I didn't gain any real friends at the end of RHOC. Even the week before RHOC started, I was seriously considering quitting the camp. Imagine this, walking away 1 week before everything you have worked for for one whole year. That was how lonely it felt, when I was making that decision in my head.

I say I stayed out of principle. And it was because I really respected the "guts" that we had during the first year. That we were willing to not just propose crazy "possibly get expelled" level of stuff, but also carry them through seriously. I really respect people who pull through, and they don't say such stuff for shits and giggles. That's why I stayed for my first year. Because it felt like we were pushing an envelope nobody else was, not even for the rest of the school. And it was really something I could be proud of, even when people outside our workgroup couldn't really see the significance of it. It wasn't for the recognition, it was simply for going through with something that crazy.

But the reason I wanted to be head is a bit more personal. All my life, I have worked in camps. All 4 years of secondary school in NPCC and OBS, only to have the final, most climactic role as leaders during the NCO camp in sec 4 taken away because the principal said we needed to study more and suspended all CCAs for us. Then came SRJC and student council, where I did nothing more that "safety officer", basically cycling around to make sure people aren't lost. It felt really strange to be in that role because it felt so out of place with the rest of the camp. So for a good 6 years, I have been moving forward to a place that just keeps getting shifted away from me. I wanted to be head because it would validate everything I have done outside school for those 6 years. I needed a way to close that chapter and say, ok, now I've done it all. I have made use of what I learnt and done the job I was preparing for all this while. Even if it was something as meaningless as an orientation camp. I want to at least do a good job for that. I want to not let all those people who have touched my life down. I don't want to let myself down.

That's me being selfish. This is something I want to do for my own sake.

~~~~~~

I also know that I would get fucked for airing my honest opinion on such a platform. I'm not going to seek and draw attention to it. Anyone who comes here is deciding to read on their own accord and if that changes your opinion of me, then I don't know what to say. I'm not going to pretend to be some hero or some punkass. This is what I think, and I'm not even going into detail about what I think about specific people. If this changes your opinion of me, then so be it. Do whatever you want with this information. I don't like to hide behind false assumptions and if exposing my own flaws makes you think less of me, imagine what others aren't telling you. I hope that in time, I can live in a community where I'm not afraid of revealing my flaws. I hate hiding. I prefer talking. Makes more friends that way.

Compromise, Ideal,and Perfect

This is 2 years in review.

I will probably focus more on school stuff, over hall stuff, or even family and relationship stuff, because there isn't the time to talk about those, but you may see some cross-overs here and there. Because life's like that. Nothing's mutually exclusive.

That's a really interesting thought to think about. When I started school, like many people before me, I had this mentality that I was going to focus on school and then just pick up the other parts of my life during the holidays. Everything seemed to be planned out nicely; I would focus on just getting schoolwork done, then either go on holidays to unwind or commit to Orientation camp committee during the 3-month summer break so that I could remain in hall, which is what I really needed to just even be on track to finish schoolwork on time. That sounded like a solid plan.

But what they don't tell you is that you will end up picking up pieces.

Time passes by very quickly when you're in a studio. It feels like every moment is dragged on when you're inside, but as soon as you leave, you see people moving on without you. Every time vacation rolls around and then I find out X and Y have done this and A is going to retire or whatever. It shakes me at the core to fully comprehend that people are moving on, and they are moving on whether I'm in their lives or not.

2 years in, and I still haven't found this elusive thing called "work-life balance"

I made the "mistake" of committing to the wrong thing in my first year. Like I said, I compartmentalized my life into school time, followed by hall time, followed by NS and overseas time, followed by orientation camp time and then back to school. The problem with that is that other people "socialise" throughout this entire period, but I've managed to break them up into chunks, often with too much intensity and not spread out enough. My family went through a brief period of bad times during my year 1 and it was the first time I broke down as a result of stress. I just huddled with my dog at the stairs and cried for a good while, and then once more a day later when my parents probed me after realizing something was wrong. I'm not really ashamed that I broke down even though I don't really discuss it with people outside my circle of trust. (that circle is extremely small.) Suffice it to say, it wasn't one big reason, like a close family member passing away, but a series of small events that converged at the same time and the fact that they happened almost successively (or at least the time that I was informed of them). I remember the exact reason I broke down the first time was because after a hard 3 days at the studio, I thought I would be able to rest my mind and body, only to realize that there were in fact more problems at home that I just hadn't been aware of. It's like something snatching away your chair just before you sat down when you've been walking for miles and miles. It makes you feel totally helpless and just stunned that you couldn't even rest properly.

Then I made the mistake of forgetting I need to rest in year 2. I remember talking with my supervisor at my part-time job about my availability over the next few months, and it slowly drifted toward the direction of how I handled my time. I have never been this exhausted over such an extended period of time and yet this is the semester where I have slept the most throughout. It is true that I have actually done more deeds this sem than any other, possibly in my life, but I have come to the conclusion that I do not have the stamina, both physical and mental, to keep going at this pace. When I was 18, I roomed with this RJC kid during an inter-JC conference. I peeked at his desktop and it happened to be his monthly schedule and it is packed with colours. This is the first time I've resorted to using google calendar, and when I look back at the stuff I've done, my mind takes a mental sigh of relief and panic at the same time, because it's still intimidating today.

I hope it's not too late to "repair" my relationships with peers. Both in school, hall and outside. Too many friendships have ended in "we just drifted away" and I thank whatever god or gods that are watching over me that I remember to take the time to appreciate my circle of trust. Those 3 misfits are the only people I have poured out to more than anyone else and I owe them so much more than they owe me. The strange thing about all 3 is that those friendships are built almost exclusively as we were leaving each other's presences. They were built as we left school, rather than when we were in it. Maybe it's the absence that reminds us of each others' importance. I don't have the same level of trust with anyone in hall currently, and it's definitely not something that you can force.


I've done all in this sem that I can think of. I've made the most of the opportunities that hall has presented me at this current time. I've tried working for actual money when just a mere 12 months ago, I thought it would have been impossible. I've picked myself up after a terrible interim crit to make something of it, and become sufficiently proud of it to include it in my RIBA portfolio. And I couldn't have done this without my peers and mentors. But all of these remain very professional relationships. I won't ever forget the help and guidance they have rendered me, but they are, at its core, a relationship of necessity. I'm not going to walk into someone's room and spill out my guts in the middle of the night because I don't have that type of friend here on campus. And vice versa, nobody's going to come into my room with anything other than work-related stuff to discuss. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I do know that it's a thing that's missing in my life and I can't judge that which I have no experience in.

~

I started this post thinking that I would write about the inadequacy of architectural education. Now, I seem to just be lamenting the losses that I never knew I signed up for when I accepted this course.

I don't know how much I regret, or if I do regret anything at all. I just seem to be at this crossroads where I don't really know what is the right thing to do moving forward.

More things for the future which I probably wont get around to

A few topics I would like to, one day, hopefully with enough inspiration, write about in my blog:

-Uni and the loss of earnestness. Why I can't tell people things the way I did back when I still wore a school uniform.

-Does a tutor have any responsibility in a students' (academic) decisions

-My life: A lesson in absolute freedom

-Architecture student who can't art: Yes, it does feel a little strange to not want to be an architect after burning 5 years in architecture school

-Why do famous architects all seem like assholes? Great Architects and unwarranted self-importance

-Where is everybody when I need somebody to listen to me. Also, why doesn't anybody tell me to listen to them.

-I can't point fingers anymore because people's feelings are more important than knowing where and how to improve themselves. Also, people look at me funny.

-"You're not important"

-CAP and salary: things everybody wants to know but nobody wants to say

-Numbers don't define people; so stop judging.

-Quick to action, slow to judgement

A bit obvious, but I can't help writing about things that hit close to home.
Good night guys.

NUS dance culture

So Orientation comes and goes and there's always a question I never really found a good answer for. Why is dance so popular in NUS? Suddenly everyone who has never tried dance before wants to be a part of it. There's the proper NUS dance CCAs (like freaking 17 of them), Rag and Flag dancers, Hall dancers, various musical production dancers and just random dancers from wherever.

It's a very peculiar phenomenon and I doubt it happens in NTU or SMU, at least not as widespread. Don't get me wrong, I like watching young people move their bodies as much as the next guy. I just find it really really weird that young men and women are choosing this particular moment to do it, with pretty much strangers. And it really is the ones that you never really expect from school.

But regardless, I'm not going to let this weirdness stop me from enjoying this.

last one before dawn

one last stream-of-consciousness post before I sleep. That means, no editing, just thoughts in barely readable sentences.

So right now, every time i go onto facebook or talk to my friends, I feel a tinge of regret because I really missed out on a lot of things. This feeling is strongest when it comes to hall events because it's people you see on a daily basis and even better, you see them AFTER you finish school, when you start to chill.

Next year, I'm probably going to join at least one sport and RHOC, assuming it doesn't create a horrifying experience for me. I want to do more, I want to participate more, and I want to make more meaningful connections. At this point in time, I allocate roughly 95% of my time to my school work and 5% to Hall. To break it down, I spend approximately 2-4 hours per week for hall stuff, including meetings and making stuff like posters and decorations, while I spend about, 12x7 =84 hours a week doing school work. Because school of architecture is ridiculous.

And right now, I am incredibly disillusioned with school work. I don't see the point of an education under these tutors and TAs. I honestly don't see myself doing much more poorly if I hadn't spent that much time on it. It feels like one of those things when you put in hard time and get pretty much the same result as if you spent like an hour on it. It's just ridiculous. And because of my school work, I have missed out on so many times when I could be hanging out with friends and enjoying life.

and the weird thing is, I wouldn't feel this way if the time I put into school work bore any fruit. It's easy to regress into the high school mentality of studying during last minute because it's not like it's going to make much of a difference.

when i see pictures of Dinner and Dance on facebook, i get pretty upset that i had to miss it because of school work. and like what i said above, since it doesn't bear fruit, it doesn't seem like a fair exchange. Why be miserable and learn so little and worse have little to prove for it, when I could be out enjoying the company of friends and have just as little to prove for it.

Every time a social gathering or just talk cock session arises, I find myself consciously sacrificing that moment. those moments start to accumulate and they become a blotch on these memories. What could have been instead of what it is now.

It is quite disappointing.

I'm not sure how much more I'm willing to commit to Hall stuff next sem. I'm really leaning on the side of spending more time in hall, simply because it's a more meaningful experience, both in terms of people and in terms of spirit. It seems stupid to sacrifice relationships for something that's not producing results. It barely even produces any meaningful lessons or educational worth.

I think I've gotten over the naive expectation of semi-greatness (which never really even happened in JC or high school, I just expected to be mediocre throughout.) 2 semesters worth of pointless soul sucking work has taken its toll i guess. I was lucky enough to have a good tutor in sem 1 so I didn't struggle as hard, or to put it in another way, my struggles felt like they were in a good direction, so even when i fell, i knew my face was pointing towards where I wanted to go.

This sem is shit. I honestly loved my 2 lecturers for Akicon and Climate responsive Arch, both of whom are senior lecturers and very good at what they do. But i think its something more. It feels like they both care about their area of expertise and more importantly, they care about the students. Maybe it's something that comes with age.

I realized I've been pretty selfish this semester. All my thoughts have been about myself. It feels somewhat like it violates my spirituality. As if some higher mental capacity is calling me to resist this natural urge and I have failed somewhat spectacularly throughout university. It never became this bad. I haven't been THIS pre-occupied with my own thoughts about myself for a while, especially when I'm doing work. I usually do it only when I'm reflecting. It used to be something I could put aside when I needed to focus on getting something done. Now, it's just ridiculous i guess.

So Here's the Truth

Partially anyway.

I no longer expect to do well this semester. I had pretty high hopes at the start of the sem, but after everything that's been going on recently, it's getting harder and harder to keep those hopes up.

The reason my last post was of Aang the monk meditating was that well and truly, I expected to use this short 1-week break to sort out my thoughts. All of them.

As of Friday, 3.43 am, I've had maybe one day to do it, less actually. And nothing's really been sorted out. In fact, I broke down even harder at home than I did at school.

The weird thing is that it's really all just small minor things, not like somebody died or me getting expelled. It's just really minor things that happened to hit all at the same time. It's overwhelming. And I'm having trouble picking myself up. The things I used to do that sort of gave me a little encouragement seemed to disappear. My old friends aren't at the studio much now and I've stopped talking to my old kakis in the hall.

This embargo that I've set (for myself) was intended to see or show how much I was valued as a friend, how much my "friends" would need or miss me when I go. I ended up proving how needy I was. I am genuinely disgusted with that. I sought to be independent most of my life and today, I find myself struggling to stand up.

The small silver lining is that at least, unlike last time, only half of these things are caused by myself.

I don't know what to do and I just want to let go. Of everything. I haven't had an emo post like this in a really long time. That was intentional. I wanted to put that side of me in a closet and lock it up.

I am sick and disgusted of myself for all of my problems. For once, I don't blame anybody else for all that has happened. It's enlightening, and yet burdensome at the same time.

All I know is today, I'm not happy with this version of Glennard.

Everyone's worrying about their CAP score

You know what's the most dangerous thing they made about the CAP score? There is no passing grade. There is only a maximum grade and when people leave that grade by only a small percentage, it looks horrifying compared to a perfect 5.

Passion

It's been a long time.

Also if you're wondering why I haven't posted a birthday post this year, it's because I actually had a pretty great time.

Anyway, to the topic.

The main reason why I haven't been updating for the last 6+ weeks was "mainly" because I was busy doing Architecture work in uni. And I don't use the word busy lightly. A brief glimpse of the busiest week of my life: I slept 3 hours plus half hours plus 5 minutes on the last day before crit and by thursday, I couldn't remember what happened on monday. Also, I spent less time outside the studio than I did sleeping, and yes that meant I slept in the studio 90% of the time.

But aside from that, it's interesting to note why people do it. Why do people put themselves through such a rigorous workload to come out only marginally richer or more respected than the average graduate? One thing I've heard pretty often when people (year 1s) try to rationalize is that at least this is more interesting than reading history texts or doing math. And I totally get that. But is simply being interesting enough to get you to stay on the ride for the next 5 years?

Passion seems to be the big thing at play here, and I want to clarify that I have no concept of what passion means. I have never really truly "felt it". I don't know what drives olympic swimmers to go through the regime that they do, or why writers become so attached to their jobs. It doesn't mean I can't feel love for an activity or a thing, I mean I love pool, video games and magic tricks but it never seems right to say I'm passionate about these.

To me, my understanding of passion simply refers to this strange human attachment to something that's so intense it pushes you to do things most people wouldn't. So most intense work regimes fall under this category, olympians, writers et cetera.

But does what I do fall into this category? It's certainly "inhumane". It's not something everyone really fully comprehends until a week later when the weekend becomes 72 hours long and you spend every single one of it in the studio, thinking it's still saturday when you're 2 hours away from the first lecture on monday. It's not easy work. And I do it. Every so often I'd ask myself why I'm here, and I can never get a real answer. I'm just here for the ride I guess. I don't love architecture. I mean it's interesting, but I love to hang out, play some pool and chill on the couch more than I love architecture. Architecture is interesting, but it's no passion. I don't think I'll ever feel as much for anything else like history or writing or engineering. Meanwhile, I'll just keep on trucking.