last one before dawn

one last stream-of-consciousness post before I sleep. That means, no editing, just thoughts in barely readable sentences.

So right now, every time i go onto facebook or talk to my friends, I feel a tinge of regret because I really missed out on a lot of things. This feeling is strongest when it comes to hall events because it's people you see on a daily basis and even better, you see them AFTER you finish school, when you start to chill.

Next year, I'm probably going to join at least one sport and RHOC, assuming it doesn't create a horrifying experience for me. I want to do more, I want to participate more, and I want to make more meaningful connections. At this point in time, I allocate roughly 95% of my time to my school work and 5% to Hall. To break it down, I spend approximately 2-4 hours per week for hall stuff, including meetings and making stuff like posters and decorations, while I spend about, 12x7 =84 hours a week doing school work. Because school of architecture is ridiculous.

And right now, I am incredibly disillusioned with school work. I don't see the point of an education under these tutors and TAs. I honestly don't see myself doing much more poorly if I hadn't spent that much time on it. It feels like one of those things when you put in hard time and get pretty much the same result as if you spent like an hour on it. It's just ridiculous. And because of my school work, I have missed out on so many times when I could be hanging out with friends and enjoying life.

and the weird thing is, I wouldn't feel this way if the time I put into school work bore any fruit. It's easy to regress into the high school mentality of studying during last minute because it's not like it's going to make much of a difference.

when i see pictures of Dinner and Dance on facebook, i get pretty upset that i had to miss it because of school work. and like what i said above, since it doesn't bear fruit, it doesn't seem like a fair exchange. Why be miserable and learn so little and worse have little to prove for it, when I could be out enjoying the company of friends and have just as little to prove for it.

Every time a social gathering or just talk cock session arises, I find myself consciously sacrificing that moment. those moments start to accumulate and they become a blotch on these memories. What could have been instead of what it is now.

It is quite disappointing.

I'm not sure how much more I'm willing to commit to Hall stuff next sem. I'm really leaning on the side of spending more time in hall, simply because it's a more meaningful experience, both in terms of people and in terms of spirit. It seems stupid to sacrifice relationships for something that's not producing results. It barely even produces any meaningful lessons or educational worth.

I think I've gotten over the naive expectation of semi-greatness (which never really even happened in JC or high school, I just expected to be mediocre throughout.) 2 semesters worth of pointless soul sucking work has taken its toll i guess. I was lucky enough to have a good tutor in sem 1 so I didn't struggle as hard, or to put it in another way, my struggles felt like they were in a good direction, so even when i fell, i knew my face was pointing towards where I wanted to go.

This sem is shit. I honestly loved my 2 lecturers for Akicon and Climate responsive Arch, both of whom are senior lecturers and very good at what they do. But i think its something more. It feels like they both care about their area of expertise and more importantly, they care about the students. Maybe it's something that comes with age.

I realized I've been pretty selfish this semester. All my thoughts have been about myself. It feels somewhat like it violates my spirituality. As if some higher mental capacity is calling me to resist this natural urge and I have failed somewhat spectacularly throughout university. It never became this bad. I haven't been THIS pre-occupied with my own thoughts about myself for a while, especially when I'm doing work. I usually do it only when I'm reflecting. It used to be something I could put aside when I needed to focus on getting something done. Now, it's just ridiculous i guess.