Excerpts From My iPhone: Naked Eye

At one point, I was quite interested in finding out how far the naked eye could see. At that time, in my mind, all I could really picture was a person or a building or an object walking or somehow being further and further away until a point where i could no longer see them with binoculars or other aids.

Eventually I got motivated enough to actually google for the answer. Most of the pages that turned up were about astronomy, which referenced things like biggest star you could see with your naked eye, or furthest celestial object visible and things like that.

My entire frame of mind changed as I read more and more into it.

While I was more interested in finding out a particular distance to which a person disappeared from my sight, I had failed to take into account any other factor at all. Granted I did think about sizes like buildings and such but they were always more of an afterthought. Seeing astronomy pages turn up in my "research" was eye opening because it introduced the possibility of other more important factor to a simple question like brightness, size and  clouds or fogs.

I don't really know why I wanted to share this particular story. I couldn't pick out a moral of the story, at least not one that is not vague. Maybe you learnt more from it than I did.

The Hobby That Is Reading.

I only finished reading my solid can-be-thrown-at-someone-and-injure book at 18 when i entered the army. It was one of those de-evolution that takes place when you are forced into a place without Internet. I finished reading one of the harry potter books because i was looking for hints of Hermione romance, so i was a little disappointed at the incredibly short few words, but the amazing storytelling of JKR more than makes up for it.

I have read quite a small number of books, and even less fiction novel-style books. It's not so much that i hate reading but more that I find it hard to get interested in reading books in particular. I mean, I read quite a lot online. I absorb information at a relatively quick pace and I am genuinely interested in getting new information. I also enjoy the fine art of storytelling in all its forms, movies, comic books, music, audiobooks, games, well, except interpretive dance.So it doesn't quite add up that someone who enjoys both reading words and stories would dislike reading novels. I enjoy both immensely, but separately. Here's why. About half the books i have read so far, which probably numbers about 4, are non-fiction, revolving information woven into hopefully an interesting narrative, something similar to books by Malcolm Gladwell. In other words, it's about learning new things or tips or even trends regarding life and society. This proportion is generally atypical of most people who consider themselves capable of reading books.

The problem I have with reading novels in particular is that it takes a lot mental energy and time. Compared to all other forms of media, it takes a lot more concentration to finish a book. A movie takes about 2 hours average nowadays and even when I'm watching a bad movie, it would be over in 2 hours, and perhaps more importantly, there will always be some element that draws my attention when everything else sucks, like action scenes or less commonly, music. With a book, both factors disappear. Books are woefully one-dimensional to me, someone without any real literature appreciation. I know what it feels like to be gripped thoroughly by a book's storyline but not much else. It's hard to separate different elements of a book, especially in mid-reading.

To someone who doesn't read as much, here's how i enjoy my books. Half of the satisfaction comes from be gripped as i said and wanting to flip the page as soon as possible. The other half comes when you're done and analyzing the finer and subtler elements, like characterization and pacing and why the author chose to depict one thing instead of the other and what that meant from a storytelling perspective.

So to really explain why it is harder to enjoy a book would be that my enjoyment of it is completely up to the talent of the writer. A movie or video game is different in that different elements come together under direction to create a beautiful piece. A movie or game can excel as either a cohesive whole or individual elements, but not a book. In that sense, with the larger time investment and less potential to be as interesting or even distracting, books are really not ideal for randomly picking up and just doing. I could randomly pick up a dvd, read the back and catch my attention enough to pop it in and finish it, but i just cannot do that with a book. Almost every book i have read is from a recommendation and I don't have enough confidence in the authors of the world to pick up a book and be convinced that it was going to keep me entertained for the next 12 hours.

And That's Why I Don't Get People Who Can Read At Any Kind Of Regular Pace

idea for cartoon

just had an idea for a kids cartoon.

Shot of kid in bed besides mom, not being able to fall asleep. Mom finishes telling her story and little kid is nowhere near sleep. She tells him to try counting sheep instead.

Camera pans up, passes through roof, sky, clouds, to a shot of sheep general telling his men "get ready!" or "we have our orders!" The cute sheep soldiers say yessir then hop down the clouds to the kids head. and start jumping over the fence.

Then the kid starts to fall sleep. "good job boys."

Sidenote

P.S. I finally beat The Binding Of Isaac. And it only took 10.4 hours

... when everything else comes so close

There's this game I've been playing a lot lately.

It's called The Binding Of Isaac.

According to Steam, I've played it for 9.5 hours, and in that time, I've beaten it zero times. This is not one of those endless survival type games where you just try and beat wave after wave of enemies until you eventually die. This is those type of beatable games that i have yet to beat.

There are 6 levels (for now) and by all accounts, this is not an unbeatable game. It's just really really hard. But as a game it's very solid, considering that it is an indie release (much less funds compared to a publisher backed studio). The music is incredible in that it really sets the mood and atmosphere of the game. Graphics are clean and fit well with the art direction. The gameplay is unique in this day and age because it combines random dungeon generation with rpg elements. You play as Isaac who enters the basement and goes into different rooms, mostly filled with monsters, but occasionally other assorted goodies like items and shops. To complete one level, you need to beat the boss and go (fall) into the next level. Now this sounds pretty formulaic until you add the fact that when you die at any level, you go back to the first level and lose all your items. (ALL your FRIGGIN items). But while that sounds like a gamebreaker, the fact that every new game is randomly generated makes it a whole new game every single time.

This is the most frustrating game i have ever played and yet i can't stop playing it. A little anecdote to put you in the right frame of mind. After 3 (not continuous) hours of playing, i finally reached the last boss for the very first time. At that time I thought i was pretty prepared for it, I had about 6 hearts and 2 or 3 soul hearts, totaling to about 9 hearts. (keep in mind, most enemies only hit for half a heart even though few do hit for one full heart). I can easily take on 18 hits from the last boss. I also had quite a few items that made me more faster and something called Halo of Flies which were these 2 flies that circled my head and could take hits for me. All in all, I'm pretty decked out to kick his ass. But because this was the first time i faced the last boss, i didn't really have any idea what to avoid so everything is completely new to me. I ended taking 3/4 of his health before dying. I thought to myself, ok pretty reasonable, no i know what to expect.

The next game i played, i found an item which could instantly kill the boss, provided it was at full charge. It was the middle levels and i had to sacrifice some other items in order to get it because i could only hold on to one item with "charges". I finally scrapped my way to the level 6. At which point, i had about 5 hearts left. I also had a map in this run through so i figured the best way was to go straight to the boss and take him out. I struggled the whole way there. And when i reached the second last room, just besides the boss, i had only 1.5 hearts left. I knew i had to be careful. I went in and ran straight to the corner. Unfortunately, I got cornered by them and they took me out in 2 hits. I was so pissed. I had the item that could insta kill the boss and i was only 1 room away. FUCK.

That is the kind of frustration you face in this game.

As a game it is incredibly fun and addictive, there's lots of replay value and it's only 5 USD which is more bargain for your buck.

But I'm not sure if I can recommend this game.

I left out the story of this game. It involves Isaac and his mom who is a christian, so for those easily offended please skip the following paragraph. Also the video.

Hopefully, you would have watched the video so what I'm saying will makes sense. Apparently "The Binding Of Isaac" is an actually tale from the bible, which i didn't know before this. Obviously people are going to be offended by this, not even the religious, just well meaning reasonable people would be offended by this. I wouldn't even show this to my own mother. So you can imagine roughly what entails the contents of this game. The items, are in fact items of religious value like the bible (which was the one hit insta kill item) rosary, Whore of Babylon, etc, along with items related to Isaac and his mom like a dead cat named Guppy and Mom's underwear and lipstick. No, I am not kidding. Mom's Underwear is an ingame item. All your projectiles are body fluids, mostly tears, but also sometimes chocolate milk and pee. The game has poop  and flies around and the final boss (at first) is Mom herself. You can see how people could get offended by this.

This is not a game I could recommend to many people. You have to be genuinely open-minded about the subject matter and understand that while this wasn't meant as a joke, it's also not meant as a statement of any kind.

Which is sad because as a game, it is really incredible because many of the elements are from past retro games and this can actually act as a history lesson in terms of gameplay mechanics go. Everything else is really so close to perfect.

To see this kind of everything-about-it-being-great-except-the-subject-matter, watch this next clip by The Lonely Island. Music-wise, it's pretty awesome.

The Creep (Feat. Nicki Minaj)

Weak

Perhaps one of the scariest part of growing up is coming to terms with one's own shortcomings. Not the parts we secretly admit to ourselves that we are really proud of like being arrogant or brash. We are really just in denial anyway. It's the big things and questions that we don't like to ask that scare the hell out of us. They linger in the dark recesses of our minds, these questions, like are we not strong enough as a person that we cannot face our past and not let our mistakes define us. Are we strong enough to face those criticism and hold our head high knowing full well we are fully conscious of making that decision. It scares us to know that we are weak.

Ho Jia Jiu Ho

Life is Hard

Life is hard, things are never easy, we will always find ways to look at them and find them imperfect.
But what gives us any kind of motivation to keep moving


why are we so afraid to die, so afraid to let go of the material things.
I guess what i'm trying to say is that if life is so hard, then why are we afraid of death.
why do we not look forward to it as an escape from the struggle that is life.

And i don't really have anyone to ask, because my closest friend also doesn't really look forward to life.

If i were to really dig deep, I figured the answer is the people around you that you love. It's hard to let them go.

Someone once asked me,
why do i live my life, what is my purpose for living.

I told him nothing, that i had nothing to live for.
He replied, then why are you still here? Just jump la, there's nothing here anyway.
I told him i wanted to spare my parents the agony of burying their own child.
So i rephrased my answer. It turns out that my purpose in life was to outlive them.
He asked me if i was sure that was the answer. He said that are you sure you are living now to love them?
And that sentence never really made sense to me. It was as simple as my presence alone made them feel loved. So i couldn't really take that next step and jump even if i wanted to. I owed them that much that i could not willingly do something that i know would hurt them.

Inaction, becomes an act of love then.
It sure doesn't feel like it.

I figured out a long time ago that when i no longer had anyone to live for, i wouldn't. It was as simple as that

When the day comes and no one depends on me for happiness anymore. Then i'll leave, on my own terms.

Excerpts from my iPhone: Affecting Others

When I was a kid, I couldn't really comprehend how my own decisions affected others close to me, particularly my family. It made no sense at that time that when I chose to stay at home and play my computer instead of going out with them would cause them to be easily infuriated. It still doesn't because i perceive that to be an individual decision that would only affect myself. I wasn't making any kind of statement or proving any point by not doing something in particular. "No, I refuse to be in the company of those who choose to eat lunch on time" I wasn't saying that. But people would somehow twist and turn my perceived intentions until i, for some reason became the bad guy.

I still struggle to catch many of these really subtle implications of my actions these days. But its' easier now when i see my own brother making the same decisions i made 5 years ago. Then, i wanted to stay at home as often as possible to play because that was the only thing in my mind. He does the same except he has a choice of skating or playing video games. But the general implications are the same. My mum would get frustrated at trying to talk to an adolescent son and my dad gets frustrated but quiet, when my mum does. Now, at least seeing it from a third person perspective, you get to see what went wrong in the communication. Sometimes it's the tone of voice that gets people jumpy, sometimes the fact that people are rushing for time or that the activity in question has been pushed back for a long enough time. Of course i still miss many of the cues that arise with this and my dad is hardly useful at all (in that regard). He just keeps quiet. I wonder if he's figured it out yet.

Excerpts from my iPhone: Beliefs And Such

16 Oct 2011

For the longest time since i became "atheist", one belief that i held very religiously was the fact that with as much potential for evil that men is capable of, we are also capable of great good. And that is a good enough justification for one to be good as an individual, because sometimes we all need that glimmer of hope to know that mankind is not a forsaken race. I call it a religious belief because it was something i believed in because i had faith in the humanity of all people, and because if we were to really take a look closely, it would be quite hard to find any reason or logic to do so. But i persisted, and believed that man was good for the better part of 4 years.

Now, I am having what some would call a spiritual crisis or religious crisis. That the one fundamental belief that you held which kept you grounded to the world was so shaken it almost feels like nothing is true. Something akin to God is not real or perhaps not as dramatic, more like there is a fourth holy book after the bible, a new New Testament.

I can never truly process how people can remain persistently selfish. It always feels like a major flaw in one's moral code when helping others is replaced by self-preservation. Perhaps I'm the weird person. Perhaps this world really does run on greed and self-preservation. Perhaps altruism really does not have a place in our culture. Perhaps I was really really wrong for those 4 years.

I'm not sure. But all I know is that if the people surrounding me (in this tent) represent the greater demographic of how Singaporeans and the Singapore Society is like, then there really is no good reason to defend these sons of bitches.

hypocrisy

i have a great deal of respect for comedians. They are able to make people laugh even in the worst of days.

and yet for that same reason, i pity the television hosts, with their fake smiles and larger-than-life attitudes.

I often find myself saying why do people run for fun, even though i know very well its' the same reason i enjoy eating meat.

Excerpts From My iPhone: About Adults

This is a series about some of the notes i have written in my iphone. Most of the time i type away at my phone when i have no access to a computer and yet something comes to my mind that i have to write down. They generally are written much more quickly than regular blog posts and tend to be more emotionally charged, so expect grammar errors.

At 18 or 19, i figured out that adults were also growing and capable of making mistakes and not as infallible as i thought they were. They used to have this high and mighty place in my mind where they were always right and if you chose not to listen to them, you were either trying to be deliberately wrong or just alternative and rebellious. There was usually a consequence associated with no listening to adults. Like going to detention or failing grades.

But at some point, I figured out that they were as clueless about most things as I was, perhaps just slightly less. This realization changed many things. I became more understanding of adults as one capable of making mistakes and yet i also held this reverse view of them not "supposed" to be wrong"

Ultimately, the biggest change was that it allowed truly pointless people to exist as adults. There are remarkably  lazy, greedy, evil or otherwise pointless people who exist. And as a kid, i couldn't really comprehend them other than being this one-dimensional creature who exists solely to make life miserable for other people. Much like the boogieman, or in my context, Ah Bu Neh Neh (Indian) who would come and catch us if we disobeyed our elders by wandering outside a safe place like our homes or the 5 meter zone around our parents. Eventually i grew up and while i still had to cross paths with pointless people, i had the mental capacity to equate them as either born flawed or poor childhood. There literally was no other explanation i could give to explain why they are or who they are.

Being another adult who makes mistakes, it becomes easier to comprehend these people as people who kept continuing to make those same mistakes throughout their 20s and 30s, never really having grown up, much like myself now. And the justification i can give when someone like my father makes an irrational decision, is the same as when that asshole cuts my path and flips my off when i've done nothing.

Eventually, i will reach another milestone in my life which explain another mystery of humanity that i never knew existed. Perhaps one day i will figure out why humanity is capable of so much greed and justify it as self-preservation.