4 moaning sessions
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So i had this girl who just dropped out of her tasked job in rhoc. dont worry she didnt go as far as to drop out of everything, thank goodness. but it was still jarring.
it was so jarring in fact i had to screenshot 15 pages of the chat log and send to my friend to help me analyse if i said anything stupid. i didn't. according to him anyway. the closest we got to anything going wrong was the fact that i pushed the fact that my experience was telling her not to do something that she wanted to do. apparently, saying that reminded my friend of when his boss used to "push" him around using experience as the excuse, but even he admits he was in the wrong for feeling like this, regardless of whether the boss was right or wrong.
maybe its a gen-y thing. maybe we've learnt to grow up needing to know the reason behind everything that we cant simply accept something is something because somebody said it is. we have to know why or we'll be mopey, pissed off or unmotivated.
~~~
i dont think i have even learnt the basics of how to communicate with people in nus.
a good while ago, i decided i wasn't going to chase after nus girls anymore. this came after i stopped focusing on one particular girl (i.e. she rejected me) and started focusing on everyone. it turns out i dont click well with anyone in this rung of society. i always say something stupid and the people here cant seem to brush it off and accept that someone as stupid as myself is breathing the same air as them. or i always say something hurtful and people here will hold it against me every time they have to utter a word in my presence. maybe i shouldn't say anything at all.
im used to being the underdog, surrounded by other underdogs, where success is not guaranteed, and if you get it, you are the fortunate one out of 100. but that doesn't matter to the underdogs, because they will still cheer you on, knowing that one of them is now going further than anyone ever expected, and be genuinely happy about it. not very different from how you cheer when your countrymen won a medal, even though you don't have any connection to it at all.
i dont belong in nus. she doesn't seem to agree with what i want to do.
i want to step down the ladder a few steps and hang out with people there. who are hopefully more like me than i care to admit, and click on a more basic level. i hope this is not a the grass is always greener on the other side scenario.
i stretched too far to get into nus anyway. i dont belong here.
i dont like the value system here. you are nothing if you have no value to someone else. it works like this in hall. it works like this in school. it works like this in administration. your opinion doesnt matter if you are not important to someone somewhere. you dont matter if you have no value.
i dont like people not being recognized or respected for the work they put in. when you get high enough and all responsibilities and tasks and titles and ranks seem to blend into one crazy mix, its easy to forget to acknowledge those that made your life easier. we have expectations of people but we never celebrate them, however horrid or fantastic of a job they did. we don't. we don't vilify the terrible leaders nor do we celebrate the good ones. we just let them go through the revolving door and watch another helpless sap realize what he's gotten himself into.
and people also regularly forget that the people under them need their support. they need to know that people appreciate their work. because this is not a job. there has never been an obligation to do this. i'm putting my free time to use here because i believe in something worthwhile, something greater than myself. and then you treat me like i'm just another worker here to get the job done and go home. for what? i don't even get to bring any bacon home, why should i do a job for you? we've forgotten what it means to aspire to something greater, and maybe, just maybe, we've lost a bit of humanity.
i guess i just dont like being here.
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making mistakes is fine. whats complicated is knowing in advance someone under your charge will make a mistake, and letting them do it anyway.
this has happened a few times already over the past year. and i never know how to handle it. and i don't really have anyone to talk to because everyone here is a jerk and i hate them.
so it's strange watching a tragedy unfold exactly as how you've predicted it. and i guess i do have some responsibility in preventing such tragedies in the first place. but how far do you go? do you just dictate anything and everything that needs to be done? that's the role of a salaryman. that's not why i took this responsibility.
i have far greater motivations than merely dictating instructions to robots
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i'm not happy with who or where i am now, but i think i'm comfortable here.
here's the logic behind it. i'm not happy with myself, because of poor self-confidence, bad experiences, whatever. i tell people about it, and inevitably, they will say i need to change who i am. but i will always be so vehemently against change that i even outright lie to them and say i'm happy with who i am now. i never am. so naturally, it leads to the fact that there must be something about the here and the now that i'm unwilling to change. maybe im too afraid of change. maybe i dont want to work myself hard in order to change. maybe i'm just lazy.
i don't like who i am or where i am now. but not enough to try to change.
maybe i'd just rather moan than actually try to become happy.
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