Here's a sport thing.

So here's a thing that popped up on my newsfeed recently

SEA Games Surprise wins - A wake-up call

The quick summary for those who decide not to read: Lots of SEA games wins this year, many of which unexpected (both in type of sports and players). Spotlight is thrown onto (allegedly) poor funding of various sports, unless you are popular, like soccer and badminton. It then goes on to talk about the Foreign Sports Talents scheme and the its supposed value and impact on our athletes, both projected and actual.

Now here's my take:

First of all, the article itself is obviously written by a local person; there are a lot of traces of bias which can turn people off, especially if they don't agree with you. However, acknowledging that, I do agree with what he/she is trying to say, perhaps just needing to tone down and be a bit more objective.

The bureaucracy of our sports organizations, much like every other one in our very "efficient" culture, is and has always been very results-oriented. I don't know if this speaks to our maturity as a nation but I feel that as more and more people speak up about the "cold" way of doing and managing such large scale organizations, it seems that at least people are starting to question the old way of doing things.

We have always been a very economics-based society. We set a goal and we try to accomplish it. In the past, we decided that we needed money, so we pursued education in math and science at the expense of the local art scene. At some point, we decided to be a transport hub, so Changi Airport and our various trading ports got huge (Incredibly huge!) upgrades, the cost of which is not very clear right now. Now (or at least a few years ago), we have decided that we wanted to win more medals, so we imported athletes. Bear in mind that if you were a politician who made the plan to help us get more medals, we have actually succeeded quite remarkably. The problem is, as always, an oversight of the human cost. These are often costs that do not bear any significant economic value on a spreadsheet but nonetheless have an impact on society. The struggle of the arts scene stand testimony to that fact. And perhaps what's worse is that as a politician, it's a cost I'm will to bear because 1) I'm not losing any money and 2) I'm not losing any voters.

The foreign athletes issue is also brought up. As angry and resentful as I could be, I'm actually much more tired than anything else. The writer actually seems a bit young to me as a result of this, because this line of reasoning and more importantly, this chain of events is something that has been happening throughout Singapore for the last who-knows-how-many years, in just about every facet of Singaporean life, from education to employment. Every time the foreign workers  issue is brought up, it's always the same "oh they will help bring us to a higher level" or some other overused excuse that just seems lazy now that it's almost 2014. And everyday, locals will lose out to foreigners because the entirety of our society cannot compete with the best of the another's, those of which our government is actively trying to woo. At the end of the day, I'm just tired that my government is more easily impressed by the number of gold medals that "we" won as opposed to the person who won that medal.

That is not just a sports analogy.

Big problems, Small problems

At what point is a problem big enough to matter?

When can I rant about something without feeling guilty about it?

Like, is there an absolute scale or some relative scale?

like if some close family member passed away then I would be within my rights and also the social context to grieve semi-openly.

but if I were sitting beside someone whose entire family was kidnapped and murdered, then I would feel bad about ranting, ON TOP of me already feeling bad about the thing that happened.

Of course the scale is a bit insane so it's sort of easy to say that both persons are not "discouraged" to rant because of the absolute horror of what happened to either of them.

My situation (which seems to happen quite a lot over the few years) is that a lot of my problems often feel insignificant because they are often internalized. As in, they are often things that seem to be only in my head, like maybe I assume people judge me or I'm overanalyzing what people are doing, or I'm anticipating rejection and just lists and lists of things like that.

Because it's easy to talk about things that actually have happened. I can give you an example that isn't so close to home so I don't feel uncomfortable talking about it. Let's say I screwed up a presentation and I'm in a terrible mood. It's very easy to explain that things that went wrong, like for example, I wasn't able to finalize my design until only 1 hour left so I had to rush out the production, meaning I had no time to prepare myself to talk. Then at the same time, the tutor decided to randomize the name list, so instead of the 5th or 6th speaker which I expected, I suddenly became first with no warning. So I went up to the front and said everything I could pull out of my brain, resulting in a very disorganized experience for the listeners because they don't know what's inside my head. The tutor said that she was disappointed because there was a lot of potential in the product but the explanation was too off.

These are things that are "easy" to say because there are very clear things that happened or there are very clear cause-and-effect things going on (randomize name list -> suddenly first -> too kan chiong to say anything coherently)

What's difficult to say is the before, in between and after. The thoughts that happen in your head. Because there isn't anything to "tie them down" and link to something, the problem feels like its all in your head. It feels insignificant, as if someone can just say: "just don't think so negatively la"

I'll expand on the previous scenario to give a sense of what I'm talking about. At this point, I need to remind you that this didn't happened but it's "in line" with the problems I try to describe about in my head. The word disappointing will linger in my head. I will think about the times when it felt so promising to finally be able to do something somewhat deserving of a good grade; or even at least praise, which so seldomly befalls this dumb person. Then I'll start thinking about what could have been or even why I'm so dumb to do this instead of that. Is it because I'm really that terrible or just that I'm surrounded by people who are so much more talented my work just looks like primary school beside theirs. Then I'll think about getting maybe a B- or C+, which will definitely severely hamper my chance of going on Exchange Program, because that's the only thing I care about regarding my studies. I'll think about the hordes and hordes of people who are so much smarter than me on paper that they get a free ride without an interview, Then I'll remember that I actually failed interviews before so maybe it's not that i suck on paper, but face-to-face too. Because that would make a lot of sense since I've never made a good impression on people before. Now, I'm just so overly focused on the POSSIBILITY of being shot down that I start to think about other things that I could get shot down for, like not being able to get the jersey and play softball in hall. Or that time I failed the interview to go for overseas CIP, or the time this girl rejected me for another guy and so on and so forth.

Imagine in that scenario, the screwing up of the presentation is not the shit part. I don't really know how to describe it because it feels like its not "real". None of my "problems" feel real. I'm not in despair because I failed my PSLE, I'm in despair because I might not get into where I want to go. Does that even make any sense??

And on top of that, trying to hold everything together because you don't know who you can be vulnerable with and not be judged and have their perception of you change overnight. My mum has told me before that I'm the kind of guy who will store and store everything inside until it bursts one day. Now the bubble is still building up; it just feels weird not telling someone.

P.S. Sometimes I really wish someone will discover this blog and then sms me out of the blue and ask "are you ok?" and then I'll say "no la why you ask". It's just one of my fantasies I guess.

P.P.S I didn't start this post thinking I'll go so personal into this, just maybe like an intellectual exercise at the start then everything started leaking out.

Why do you care about architecture?

"Why do you care about architecture?"

I think it's a genuinely, absurdly difficult question to answer.

I can tell you why I care (or at least should care more) about any other pursuit like physics, space exploration, medicine or even freaking video games. But I cannot come up with a convincing answer for architecture.

I can tell you why we should care about building properly. About the necessity of providing quality buildings for work and play. But not architecture specifically.

I think sports and music are sort of in this category of barely relevant but I assume that I'm simply not involved in it enough to give you a good reason. I mean I can give a good reason for video games, something society deems just as frivolous, if not more so, simply because it's a medium and a subject matter I'm deeply involved in, at least as a consumer and an observer. So it is possible to argue that given enough immersion in perhaps music, someone could give a impersonal response.

But not architecture. Almost a year and a half and I still don't quite get why people care about architecture specifically. Why is the design of buildings important to people? Why should it? Because not caring about it makes life hard? That's not a reason to do something. That's a reason not to do the opposite. That's like saying you should eat more veggies because eating Macs everyday is bad for you. That's just a reason not to eat Macs.

I think perhaps on a more enlightened note, what if this is not a question that needs an answer?

Name: R. Rogers

The man who made this:

and this:

once got this:

NOT Recommended for Year 5 next term

How awesome is that?

Ashley Madison and the Singaporean reaction

Long time no write. Anyway, opinion piece.

http://www.straitstimes.com/breaking-news/singapore/story/mda-bans-extra-marital-dating-website-ashley-madison-20131108

MDA bans extra-marital dating website Ashley Madison

Quick update for those of you who don't know. Ashley Madison is one of the many websites out there which actively promotes "affairs" between married couples. Why AM is specifically targeted is because they have chosen to announce their intention to market towards Singaporeans specifically. And you know what happens when someone outside our little speck mentions Singapore by name. We react, and we react in droves. Anyway, people found out what they actually do and decided that it is immoral and should not even exist here at all. Apparently enough of a reaction to get the government and MDA to "take a stand" and ban the website from ever coming into our interwebs.

My opinion will not focus on the morality of what AM does. It's about the Singaporean reaction and more importantly, the Govt's reaction.

One recent event that nicely contrasts this is a few months back when they (somebody at least) decided to ban the selling of condoms in NUS (and possibly other schools) because they didn't want to "kids" having "sex" in "school". I really enjoyed that news cycle because it felt like Singaporeans would finally have the maturity of tackling an adult issue with an adult conversation. We, as a group, acknowledged that "kids" (who are barely even kids anymore, they're 19 at the least, too old to be tried in the Juvenile Court) were going to have sex whether we like it or not, and we would rather give them condoms (implicitly acknowledging that authorities have no control over it) than let them do it without it. If you are in the shoes of a "moral watchdog", it's incredibly difficult to accept that someone is doing something against your will and let it go when you have the power to stop it. It's really a temptation to abuse the power, especially if you genuinely believe in the principle.

Our Govt has always enjoyed the role of being a morality watchdog. This is one of those issues that are not only supported by the judges of morality in MDA but also the people as well, so it happens to be a win-win for them. I'm not fine with someone else deciding something for me, especially when it's such a blanket response. It's like banning handphones in camp. I don't think I need to say anything more than that really.

I think this response has 2 effects. It proliferates the idea that some authority or any authority has a say on what and how the Internet works, at least for a particular demographic. The other effect is the idea of Govt as moral guardian. I personally feel like I have more stake when it comes to the Internet, not only because I live and grew up in the Internet but also the fact that the latter has always been around in Singapore since freaking bubble gum, just that this time, much less people are against it. The internet does not function properly unless nothing is censored. Its fundamental achievement of connecting people is cut short when you literally disconnect people from things like AM. I think there is a certain beauty in being confronted with something outside your comfort zone (in terms of social issues) and really questioning your response to it. I love moments when racists are being defended by black people and church pastors are touched by the stories of gay couples (that sounded wrong). Such moments have always happened in the past but the internet destroys any sort of geographical (or any other) barrier that may have existed before and such measures only serve to rebuild those same walls to cut us off from each other. 

It's also really hard to argue against this because anyone who does will INEVITABLY be compared to supporting adultery. Which is bad. Singapore is conservative. At least enough to hold off allowing gay sex despite an equal if not more passionate response during the Pink Dot every year. The Government clearly does not treat us as adults and feels a moral imperative to stop us from hurting ourselves. I have grown up in this environment and I'm genuinely tired of this. And even more so is the cherry-picking of issues to tackle when it comes to social issues. Poverty isn't addressed so we assume everyone is doing well because no one is living on the streets. This "I don't see them so they don't exist" mentality of everyone, including the general public, is the reflection of an unsympathetic society, which lives off the back of those committed few who spend their lives, time, money and sometimes their soul to redeem us from what truly is an inhuman existence. People love teachers and nurses and social workers until they come in the way of annoying you in some way. Guess what, it is their job to teach your kids and stop you from killing each other and care for the banglas, and they need that basic acknowledgement and courtesy for you to get out of their way and keep your mouth shut.

Oh my god, I just realized this issue has so many other sub-issues to unpack. The first line of every paragraph has the potential of being a full-on essay by itself. But to sum it up, here are my opinions, AM: morally neutral, leaning towards bad. People's reaction: Kneejerk, immature. Govt's reaction: Bad. Adultery: Bad, but unavoidable. Govt controlling Internet: VERY BAD. My opinion: scary when people agree with govt but I disagree with them.

If I...

I think there's a part of our brain, and most people probably have this, that always harps on this. The idea that if I had this or if I were this or if I did this, then I would achieve everything that I wanted. As if once you had that thing, you'd be happy, or at least satisfied. Gatsby had his green light. Tons of other fictional characters have their own whatevers.

I have a whole laundry list of them.

But they aren't important. They serve as an excuse. On my better days, I'd like to think that I'm better than such pointless qualifiers. As if I needed my own brain to tell me I'm not handsome enough or didn't own a car.

But it's not really something you can control, is it? It's something that just slips in when your subconscious decides to be a bitch. I know in my conscious mind that being richer won't solve all of my problems, but the caveman part of mind loves to bring it up as if it's the end-all-be-all of solutions. As if being fitter would somehow magically solve all my problems.

I think at the same time, it's sort of liberating to have such an excuse. The better man would say that we have to rise up beyond our weaknesses. But I'm not that man, I've come to terms with that. So I kind of like having that responsibility taken away from me in the form of a simple excuse. "Well, if I were the chairperson, I'd solve everything" haha...ha

~

I always wondered where my problems would lead me. I'm not a generally happy person. But I don't think it's because good things don't happen to me, just that my brain refuses to accept happy memories. To be honest, it sounds insane, but I can't retain happy memories. I can barely retain ok memories, like sitting in school and chilling with friends, but they aren't like HAPPY happy memories, they are just mundane and like "at peace" moments. But on the other hand, I can remember WAY worse things, and especially stupid details about things that make me unhappy, angry, disappointed, etc. Because they have a much greater impact on me as a person, compared to the peaceful ones. They are the ones that sort of shape you, for better or worse.

Sometimes, I'll look back at my old blog entries and realize that I was actually happy at particular moments in time. But I just can't remember them. I can't ever really remember being happy. Which is weird because I do feel happiness in that moment. I know that, as in I KNOW that consciously. But I can't recall them on the days when I'm not particularly happy. It's like when you can't put on a blanket or find something hot when you're cold, even though you can physically feel heat. Something like that.

More things for the future which I probably wont get around to

A few topics I would like to, one day, hopefully with enough inspiration, write about in my blog:

-Uni and the loss of earnestness. Why I can't tell people things the way I did back when I still wore a school uniform.

-Does a tutor have any responsibility in a students' (academic) decisions

-My life: A lesson in absolute freedom

-Architecture student who can't art: Yes, it does feel a little strange to not want to be an architect after burning 5 years in architecture school

-Why do famous architects all seem like assholes? Great Architects and unwarranted self-importance

-Where is everybody when I need somebody to listen to me. Also, why doesn't anybody tell me to listen to them.

-I can't point fingers anymore because people's feelings are more important than knowing where and how to improve themselves. Also, people look at me funny.

-"You're not important"

-CAP and salary: things everybody wants to know but nobody wants to say

-Numbers don't define people; so stop judging.

-Quick to action, slow to judgement

A bit obvious, but I can't help writing about things that hit close to home.
Good night guys.

I assume

I assume people don't think because I can't hear other people think.

I can't hear the voices in their heads the way I hear my own voice thinking my own thoughts.

I'm not sure how much sense that makes.
I'm not really trying to put people down and be arrogant. It's just an assumption that I have. It's like our natural assumption that a crowd is like one entity rather than multiple individuals because we don't really think about that and we aren't reminded of it.
It's like when a boy and a girl are walking side by side and I assume they are either a couple or going to be one soon.
It's like when you tell me you're a doctor and I assume you're smart enough to survive in society.

One of those days

NUS dance culture

So Orientation comes and goes and there's always a question I never really found a good answer for. Why is dance so popular in NUS? Suddenly everyone who has never tried dance before wants to be a part of it. There's the proper NUS dance CCAs (like freaking 17 of them), Rag and Flag dancers, Hall dancers, various musical production dancers and just random dancers from wherever.

It's a very peculiar phenomenon and I doubt it happens in NTU or SMU, at least not as widespread. Don't get me wrong, I like watching young people move their bodies as much as the next guy. I just find it really really weird that young men and women are choosing this particular moment to do it, with pretty much strangers. And it really is the ones that you never really expect from school.

But regardless, I'm not going to let this weirdness stop me from enjoying this.

Stuff People Say 2013: Architecture (alt title: 5 MONTHS OVERDUE)

Remember that thing I do at the start of (pretty much) every year. The one where I get everyone to, well... you can read the rest.

This time, it's my old architecture studio from Sem 1. They're pretty awesome.

Here goes...

Some people think that I'm chill, lazy, loud/arrogant, not confident, hardworking? and other fun stuff.
When you see words in italics, it's my own comments along with their "as far as possible" direct quotes.

From the design assignments can tell you don't really follow the crowd. Like how you use paper like wood when most other people are doing origami. Presentation isn't a problem for you. – Jialing

Chill

"Very chill …You don't look like you are stressed out by deadlines even if you say there are many things you haven't done...you always seem so chill even hours before deadlines I admit I was hopping around my house when I realised my printer was out of ink that time, but you sounded so composed on the phone. Oh and you are quite blank when you are sleepy."

I was actually not registering what she said in my head when she called me 1 hour before deadline... because I was asleep when she called. Surprisingly, this happens pretty often, since JC i think.

Lazy

"fucking lazy, [incident] where u had about 2-3 hours before crit and you decided to sleep instead of touching up your work"

This is the one where he actually told me all this stuff verbally, so I couldn't quote word for word. Not to sound like a bitch, but in my defence, I saw sleep as better prep because we needed to present our work so it was better to clean yourself up, mentally and physically, before standing in front of judging eyes. Different perspectives.

Loud/Arrogant/Straightforward
This will forever and always be the most popular + consistent criticism of me. Haha.

"With regards to people, you really come off as the guy who doesn't give a fuck. There are guys who are socially inept and they can't really differentiate or whatever for certain situations. You are the guy who knows what you are doing and just do whatever the fuck you want, in his face, just to guai lan people

still loud(haha) [after first impression]. but also confident and self-motivated. very resourceful and dedicated."

"You have an arrogant expression that some team leaders or bosses may not akin to during interviews or discussions."

It's fun to hear. Arguably, one of the first actual consequence of my natural expression on my face.

"very loud, brash, angry type of person. maybe wanted to sign on so can shout at recruits every day."

"Like you don't beat around the bush when you want to say something."

"ur a straightforward person to me thats a good thing tho.." 

"You have a rather straight personality"

Not Confident

"One caveat is that I think you could be a bit more confident about your ideas. Don't just ask people about them but practice presenting to them instead of assuming they know because sometimes your ideas are good but you don't angle it properly in a way that really satisfies the requirements."

"as time progresses, you exude a below average level of confidence that will work against you during evaluation cos’ you feel you are not good enough compared to the rest. Sometimes when u know you are at a disadvantage, theres no need to reveal or ‘showhand’. Do it only to yr good friends/buddies.

"ok, not as bad as you think you are. drawing also not as bad as you think you are, sketches are terrible though. drawings are not bad (emphasized)"

I really like this set because those are 3 sets of different criticisms directed at different things, but yet pointing to the same problem.

Hardworking?
This made the least sense to me

"A hardworking person who does not give up the fight easily. Pls keep it that way and not accept average work as the norm….within allocated time. Somehow, I hv the feeling you need to listen to your friends more….i do not know why I have that feeling, but its gut feel. You need to develp the soft creative aspect of design…ie. Flair" 

This also didn't make sense

"I think you are a intelligent guy, very confident, calm and helpful. This impression has been very consistent throughout;)"

Some Interpersonal Stuff

"... we have pretty different backgrounds and characters but I appreciate you accommodating differences (I saw the way you related to your group mates) and I think we would complement each other from a work perspective if we ever got the chance in the future."

"I think you treat people well. I havent seen you having any unfounded prejudice against anybody nor are you in the habit of dissing other people. I appreciate that."

"you probably make friends easily? and you're the type who will readily help people. but be careful to not come across too arrogant ('cos you're loud)."

General Misc Comments

"I thought you were a little beng actually because you were sitting rather unglamly at the table that yong marked as hers before studio started. So I guess that impression came from the way you sat"

"when u debate about things u can get very worked up suddenly lol maybe could try and talk calmly instead of getting kinda agitated."

"A person who thinks about what people say and not follow blindly. Helpful. Chill."

"Learn from your friends who are good at that [design work in general]" 

On the whole, the comments (all of them) tend to go off in different trajectories (sometimes conflicting) so it's hard to really zoom in on anything in particular

Honorable Mentions

"slippers are dangerous. what if someone slams a door on your foot..."

"okay lah there is no way i would say you are the kind of person who will just take other people's T square and never return since i got my T square back."

"wake up more easily!"

"As for advice, I would like to say that u might try to be a bit less serious sometimes and smile more, both in your interactions with pple and during presentations. You'll turn out to be even more charming person :D"

Just writing.

I was inspired to write because of this.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/dont-date-a-girl-who-reads/

There isn't going to be much of a point for this. I have no real "agenda" or "point I want to make". I just felt inspired to write, something.

Writing is the one thing I have where the gut takes precedence over the mind. In everything I've done, everything I've ever given a damn about, I've never been able to put down certain missed connections. Some things seem misaligned, unstraightened, or somehow off. And I'll always make it "perfect" but it never seems "right". That's why I've failed so many times at minimalism. Because I can't seem to put things down. I can't stop adding things and making changes until it overwhelms everything.

I've never been a great storyteller. I've observed myself over and over and as great and amazing as "that thing that happened" happened, I cannot never seem to bring it up to a level that "that thing" deserves. Except bad stories. I seem to have a knack for bad stories. Like the time I almost shot a guy by accident. Or the time I caused my platoon to get punished because of I wore slippers to the ground floor. Or the time I confessed to my crush and she said that she wanted to focus on her studies, only to find her with a boyfriend that lasted barely a month, one year later during her actually important exam year. Oh, and she met him for only 4 days prior.

I don't have many good, good stories.

Travelling is one of the greatest luxury that this generation has, second only to instant and global reach of the internet. As much as I hate transportation, I'll always love train rides. And train stations.

I don't have very many great stories from my travels. They are all captured by many small moments from great friends I've made. All we did was take a walk in the park and buy cakes or beer and just talk about life and each others' culture. And they make terrible stories,

but I loved each and every one of those moments.


http://wherearemyheels.com/2012/05/12/date-a-boy-whos-travelled/ 
Another article that sums up how and why I enjoy travel. Especially the coming home part.

last one before dawn

one last stream-of-consciousness post before I sleep. That means, no editing, just thoughts in barely readable sentences.

So right now, every time i go onto facebook or talk to my friends, I feel a tinge of regret because I really missed out on a lot of things. This feeling is strongest when it comes to hall events because it's people you see on a daily basis and even better, you see them AFTER you finish school, when you start to chill.

Next year, I'm probably going to join at least one sport and RHOC, assuming it doesn't create a horrifying experience for me. I want to do more, I want to participate more, and I want to make more meaningful connections. At this point in time, I allocate roughly 95% of my time to my school work and 5% to Hall. To break it down, I spend approximately 2-4 hours per week for hall stuff, including meetings and making stuff like posters and decorations, while I spend about, 12x7 =84 hours a week doing school work. Because school of architecture is ridiculous.

And right now, I am incredibly disillusioned with school work. I don't see the point of an education under these tutors and TAs. I honestly don't see myself doing much more poorly if I hadn't spent that much time on it. It feels like one of those things when you put in hard time and get pretty much the same result as if you spent like an hour on it. It's just ridiculous. And because of my school work, I have missed out on so many times when I could be hanging out with friends and enjoying life.

and the weird thing is, I wouldn't feel this way if the time I put into school work bore any fruit. It's easy to regress into the high school mentality of studying during last minute because it's not like it's going to make much of a difference.

when i see pictures of Dinner and Dance on facebook, i get pretty upset that i had to miss it because of school work. and like what i said above, since it doesn't bear fruit, it doesn't seem like a fair exchange. Why be miserable and learn so little and worse have little to prove for it, when I could be out enjoying the company of friends and have just as little to prove for it.

Every time a social gathering or just talk cock session arises, I find myself consciously sacrificing that moment. those moments start to accumulate and they become a blotch on these memories. What could have been instead of what it is now.

It is quite disappointing.

I'm not sure how much more I'm willing to commit to Hall stuff next sem. I'm really leaning on the side of spending more time in hall, simply because it's a more meaningful experience, both in terms of people and in terms of spirit. It seems stupid to sacrifice relationships for something that's not producing results. It barely even produces any meaningful lessons or educational worth.

I think I've gotten over the naive expectation of semi-greatness (which never really even happened in JC or high school, I just expected to be mediocre throughout.) 2 semesters worth of pointless soul sucking work has taken its toll i guess. I was lucky enough to have a good tutor in sem 1 so I didn't struggle as hard, or to put it in another way, my struggles felt like they were in a good direction, so even when i fell, i knew my face was pointing towards where I wanted to go.

This sem is shit. I honestly loved my 2 lecturers for Akicon and Climate responsive Arch, both of whom are senior lecturers and very good at what they do. But i think its something more. It feels like they both care about their area of expertise and more importantly, they care about the students. Maybe it's something that comes with age.

I realized I've been pretty selfish this semester. All my thoughts have been about myself. It feels somewhat like it violates my spirituality. As if some higher mental capacity is calling me to resist this natural urge and I have failed somewhat spectacularly throughout university. It never became this bad. I haven't been THIS pre-occupied with my own thoughts about myself for a while, especially when I'm doing work. I usually do it only when I'm reflecting. It used to be something I could put aside when I needed to focus on getting something done. Now, it's just ridiculous i guess.

How to justify suicide

Because I have a friend / friends who are just as morbid as I am. And we have been grappling around that idea so long that it no longer has the same taboo around it (at least to us) as perhaps say, sex or human bodily functions like pooping.

The inspiration for writing an article actually came from an NUS confession comment, where someone was bitching about being able to use an electron microscope whatever (worth 800k) after 1 hour of training but not being able to go rock climbing in Utown unless he had a week-long "national standard" instructor course, whatever that means. The important comment that someone said was and I quote

"maybe life > 800k"

That was a very interesting thought. Because we can instinctively understand that life is worth so much, that it is definitely worth more than this obviously low number of $800,000.

But is there a point where we are able to say, hmm, ya his life was worth ending for xxx amount.

Hank does an interesting analysis for this.

 

500k comes up as the US army's monetary value of life, which is what they payout to families when soldiers die under their charge. There is also a 6-9 million figure being thrown around. please look for the source in that video if you want to learn more.

My personal take on this is that when you're discussing monetary value specifically, it always ALWAYS boils down to supply and demand. If you're a faceless sheep in China or Russia (or even worse, middle east) their government is willing to send waves and waves of you into machine gun fire to the point where they hope their people outnumber your bullets (See: Korean war and most of their wars in fact). That is a crazy thought, for there to be so many people that a powerful organization can throw enough of them at you that they eventually run out of bullets.

On the other hand, if there is only one of you who can do something unique, say you are the only person who knows how to disarm a bomb that threatens the world, your value jumps up exponentially, not just because there is now only a single unit of you as supply, but everyone now demands you, from people who want to live to people who want you to die. So if anyone sends a bounty to get you, expect a lot of bling.

Monetary discussions aside, I think we're missing out on some "less concrete" arguments for ending a person's life. The important thing to note is that we're discussing the idea of killing yourself, because I would kill that bastard in studio at the drop of a hat if I had a way out of it, but then it would turn into a conversation about why you want to kill bastards around the world, and I'm not interested in that. Anyway, I think that a good way to look at justifying suicide is to look at whether living out one's life is worse than not living it. In most cases, it isn't; life is definitely worth living more than not. End Note: I never realised that this is a cost-benefit analysis until I wrote it out in complete sentences.

I think that people who say that no matter how hard life gets, its always better to live are naive. Sure it seems like that in Singapore, but other countries do exist. If I were a Jew and I knew exactly how Nazis were treating my people during the Holocaust, I would have no qualms ending my own life. Heck, I'd even end my child's life to spare him the misery.

Of course, that is the extreme end of the spectrum. It's the middle ground that's always murky. Personally, I have found 2 ways of judging this. First is when the problem doesn't seem solvable, even in the unforeseeable future, save for a miracle. Second is when I am not conscious of my actions and thoughts.

Unsolvable problems, in general, are usually health problems, especially in a first world country like Singapore. Things like the final stages of HIV and cancer seems to fit the bill quite easily. But extraordinary circumstances are also possible, like war, famine, drought, etc.

"What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind" -Dan Quayle. I am quite afraid of dementia and Alzheimer's to be honest. I can't imagine living a life and not being able to catch a though coherently, even in my own brain. It would feel like being lost in an immense library, there are huge walls of books surrounding you, but you can neither understand them nor find people you know. Best case scenario, I have some idea of who my loved one is, but can't recognize who they are or why they are important. I think that scares me more than anything else. But it's not a thought I entertain very often because it's still (hopefully) a long way from now.

Things like comas sort of put things is a difficult area to classify because they always seem like there's a cure for it, but not really. "Holding out" becomes a mental and emotional drain, especially for loved ones. Previously, I would have let my loved ones decide when to take my own life off the resuscitator, because they have a stake in it, emotionally, but now I think it's honorable to not have to put the burden of making the decision to terminate my life on their shoulders. They would simply follow the instructions on my will and not feel like they CHOSE to end my suffering. It alleviates some of the pain of it, I guess.

The last 3 or 4 paragraphs seem a bit unsatisfactory to me, because I got derailed to join a softball game in the middle of writing this. So yeah, there's that.

P.S. I was reminded of this person I read about before, Philip Gale, who despite being a computer genius and making upwards of a million by the age of 17, or perhaps because of it, committed suicide at MIT.
I really resonate with the things he said because it didn't seem like an impulse decision or a short term event that triggered it. This was his suicide note

"Presumably I have jumped from a tall building. [...] I am not crazy, albeit driven to suicide. It is not about any single event, or person. It is about stubborn sadness, and a detached view of the world. I see my life—so much dreary, mundane, wasted time wishing upon unattainable goals—and I feel little attachment to the future. But it is not so bad, relatively. I exaggerate. In the end, it is that I am unwilling (sick of living) to live in mediocrity. And this is what I have chosen to do about it. The saddest part is the inevitable guilt and sorrow I will force on my family and friends. But there is not much I can say. I am sorry. Try to understand that this is about me and my 'fuked up ideas.' It is not because I was raised poorly or not cared for enough. It just is. [...] take care world, Philip." Gale closed his handwritten suicide note with a smiley face and the words "And stay happy!"

P.P.S I'm not going to leave my parents behind so long as they are still alive.

Miscom

So I have this problem for as long as I can remember. I always tend to misunderstand what people are saying. Usually this manifests itself in what most people call "wrong frequency" where 2 people have a conversation for a few lines before realizing they are are actually talking about different things.

I have that quite often in my life, so people who notice this would call me a himbo, even though I fit none of the other characteristics. It does give the impression that I am blur, though.

The reason I'm writing this now is because I anticipate having another one of these episodes this coming Saturday, where I'm having my critique. My tutor (to my ears) said that it was possible to have you analysis diagrams at a different scale from (larger or smaller than) the actual technical drawing. I predict her saying something totally obvious that I've already noticed before she gave me the "advice", like:

It's supposed to be the same scale so you can compare them

but you said the analysis diagrams could be at a different scale so long as you can understand them.

No, I said that you can do that for you site plan (one of the analysis)

or something like that...

The hardest part about this continual "wrong frequency syndrome" is the difficulty of explaining to someone that you actually get it and have actually got it since the start once they have made up their mind that you're blur and borderline retarded.

So Here's the Truth

Partially anyway.

I no longer expect to do well this semester. I had pretty high hopes at the start of the sem, but after everything that's been going on recently, it's getting harder and harder to keep those hopes up.

The reason my last post was of Aang the monk meditating was that well and truly, I expected to use this short 1-week break to sort out my thoughts. All of them.

As of Friday, 3.43 am, I've had maybe one day to do it, less actually. And nothing's really been sorted out. In fact, I broke down even harder at home than I did at school.

The weird thing is that it's really all just small minor things, not like somebody died or me getting expelled. It's just really minor things that happened to hit all at the same time. It's overwhelming. And I'm having trouble picking myself up. The things I used to do that sort of gave me a little encouragement seemed to disappear. My old friends aren't at the studio much now and I've stopped talking to my old kakis in the hall.

This embargo that I've set (for myself) was intended to see or show how much I was valued as a friend, how much my "friends" would need or miss me when I go. I ended up proving how needy I was. I am genuinely disgusted with that. I sought to be independent most of my life and today, I find myself struggling to stand up.

The small silver lining is that at least, unlike last time, only half of these things are caused by myself.

I don't know what to do and I just want to let go. Of everything. I haven't had an emo post like this in a really long time. That was intentional. I wanted to put that side of me in a closet and lock it up.

I am sick and disgusted of myself for all of my problems. For once, I don't blame anybody else for all that has happened. It's enlightening, and yet burdensome at the same time.

All I know is today, I'm not happy with this version of Glennard.

Time for peace and quiet

An aside on JC demographics

There is a recent trend on my facebook wall where friends (mostly female) are sharing pictures of orientation in their JCs. Naturally this stirs up the "nationalist-esque" part and HEY MY JC IS BETTER THAN YOURS!!!

This wasn't something we could say 4 years ago, when we were still in school. We barely even say it now. Objectively, we have become better, much better than anyone expected, but we still can't say we're better or even on the same level as most people.

I think it's only natural that we have this inferiority complex. Nobody genuinely wanted to be there during orientation of 2008. During appeal period, we were looking at more people leaving than entering.

Today, there has been a massive, almost stunning turn of events. People actually wanted to be there, for possibly the first time in the school's history. I'm sure it will flabbergast many people if they went back to talk to the students.

It does raise a problem though. (of course it does.)

Currently, we are at 13 points for both arts and science stream. 13 points used to mean a hell of a lot, but what's more telling is that there are now fewer 2-digit schools. Only 3 schools stand "below" us in terms of cut-off points and they all happen to be in the West. There is a seemingly large gap between 13 point schools and 16 point schools. In fact, most schools seem to be clustered around these numbers, 20, 16 ,13 and then 9 and up. I'm sure statistically there is something interesting about this regarding the effect of Higher Chinese being more widespread in schools and CCA points adding up but I'm not interested in that (ok I'm not THAT interested enough to start a new post)

As an alumni member (alumnus?), seeing the alma mater "level up" and be on par with our neighbours is definitely very satisfying. AT FIRST. but then there is a tinge of sadness that people of our calibre today would not have had the same opportunities that we had. Today, if I were to be applying for school all over again, I would more likely be travelling toward the West side to get a JC education.

I believe this is a serious enough factor to consider a polytechnic education as a potential alternative, regardless of how much the kid would have wanted to study in University.

The inner workings of higher management in JCs and the education Ministry in general is not something I am privy to. However, if the principal really does have any kind of influence over the intake of students, it would be a serious time to consider deflating the cut-off for my school.

My conversations with teachers have revealed that there hasn't been a marked increase in intelligence of the students coming in in recent years. Of course this is subjective and should be take with a pinch of salt, but nevertheless, it should be noted that our teachers have been capable to educating those who would be rejects in other colleges to a level that could be a serious competitor on a national level. 

Thus, I feel that it is in fact prudent to lower the cut-off score artificially for the school, not just for the sake of the national population, but for the school as well. I think it's a much more beneficial endeavour to take in students selectively, regardless of their score. Either way, we would be taking students that are on the lower spectrum of students who are eligible for JC anyway. 

In an ideal situation (enough manpower and time to filter through all CCA and testimonial records), I find it much better to accept students who have either shown a serious commitment to either their education or to their chosen area (sports, music, CCA, etc). And I don't mean superficial things like Achieved Gold in SYF. It's more of a soft skills and personality approach. Generally students who have revealed the ability and willingness to persevere and sacrifice for their, and I hate to use this word but, passion.I believe such qualities, even when shown in areas outside academia, can be properly tapped and channelled towards school work and, perhaps even more crucially, create a on-the-whole, more focused student body.

Those are just my 2 cents. Of course in an ideal world, the 4 great wizards would put a bit of themselves in a hat and let that decide after their passing.