Its' supposed to be annual but skipped last year and that year before because I switched camps 3 times and they didn't know me very well as well as bmt respectively. This year will also be a bit different in the sense that some of my friends have expressed concern over issues of anonymity and because I forgot to disclose how this information will be used until someone asked about it yesterday. Instead of copy and pasting wholesale of any particular persons' words, I will be extracting one-liners that exemplify my point as much as possible. I hope that's enough anonymity for you. No, I really do.
In my time in army, I had a particular image of myself. It's not a very glorifying image of myself but not a very humble one at that. That image was so shattered today when I read the consolidated texts.
Perception is generally the key to the questions I ask about myself, because I felt that no matter my intentions, people's reactions will always a based on their perception of me and my intentions and so forth. It therefore became unnecessary and even unhelpful to argue about what I meant by this or why I did that in that order.
On to the actual reflection:
There are 2 very consistent points that people will always bring up across the board, save a few individuals.
Number 1 is that I am rude. Words used in this vein include: brash, arrogant, overbearing, impatient, My first impression to almost everyone is that I am not only rude (or impolite) to my peers (fellow 3rd sergeants) but even worse to my men.
This is what predominantly got me in trouble at 40SAR at the start. Most of my men hated me because I was the only one who really raised my voice, at least that's what they will remember me for. Also for those of you who didn't know, I eventually gave up trying to scold them down and ended up bitching to them about army stuff. I was rewarded by one of my men with the following quote, "Now you more like men than like sergeant leh." Granted, that was because I told them I wasn't going to pack my field pack after Wallaby.
The rude problem has been a thorn in my side for many years now. If I'm not mistaken, it stems from the fact that I started sounding like that in high school because I wanted to be different from everyone else in my triple science class. Then it became that I didn't want to change who I was or how I spoke just because you want me to. Whatever is the case, I think I need to eventually take after my father with the salesman style talking. Although it does feel like I'm intentionally leaving a part of my childhood behind.
Another sub point or offshoot to the impolite thing is that I do have a tendency to blurt out whatever without going through my brain first. There was once I came off an intense argument I didn't even know I got myself into about physical fitness. I just instinctively replied every sentence without sensing that it was such a "sensitive" issue.
One thing that unintentionally lifted my spirits was this:
if only through the way of speaking, it would be a bad reflection of me, not a reflection of actions
If it sounds like bad grammar, this was rephrased from the point form in my notebook.
Honestly, I think about this point and I don't really know how to remedy this. My problem is that I am trying to influence the people around (particularly students that I will be teaching) that we need to stop being tight lipped about issues and questions because our society cannot speak up for itself. And yet, if I were to take the obvious solution and intentionally slow myself from talking, it would feel as if I'm painting myself into a corner. On one hand, I don't want to blurt out things and hurt peoples' feelings but yet, I don't want to create an atmosphere where everyone is held back and thinks too much about what he wants to say.
The second is that I'm lazy. Remember when I said about that particular image of mine. I thought I was the kind of person who would help you when you needed help. Sure I knew I was lazy, but I thought I was lazy to an acceptable extent. Turns out wrong. The interesting thing about this is that out of so many times I thought I was being voluntarily helpful didn't stand out in their mind as much as they did in mine. It's interesting how psychology works in that way. That, I would remember more vividly the times I volunteered while others would remember more vividly the times I slept in bunk. Perhaps it was because I could somehow justify it in my mind that I was able to "forgive" myself much more readily.
Also, I'm fucking lazy.
Other things people have said about me:
Stubborn.
People like to say I am inflexible. Nicer people would say I have my own way of thinking and don't like to be told how things are done. It is a bad habit to break, I must admit, and sometimes, even voicing my opinions would make me sound stubborn. Granted, I won't say it in the nicest way. I really do wonder how does one go about being less stubborn, because if you had a plan and I had a plan, I would find faults in your plan and you would in mine, then we would see which one is better. If I don't voice the faults that I find, wouldn't it disadvantageous to the whole team? I truly am puzzled
Did a good job as DC6 even without 2IC
I feel like I have to explain why I actually didn't really do a good job as a Det Comd. 3 things are in order. 1, Det 6 men are really A grade men in terms of initiative and knowing what they are supposed to do and not do. They were very different from my old Det 1 men, who were dependent on direct instructions but very hardworking and precise. Det 6 men do cut corners like normal human beings, but they do know their limits so I didn't have much trouble in terms of command and control, discipline, etc.
2. Things that generally needed a 2IC at the start eventually became a group effort by the end, especially things that had a deadline. Things in the field that needed to be done by a 2IC ended up split up to the 3 of my men, HH doing comms and WL taking tarpaulin out and settling bombs. And in camp was the only time when not having a 2IC felt like there was a void to be filled. My job is not that hard without a 2IC in a sense that, things that needed a 2IC to be done ended up being done by Bryan and the rest of the 2ICs, such as moving the OVM to the crates for Wallaby and painting. Accounting didn't have a deadline so I just strolled in when I happened to need to do something else, like rev the vehicle.
3. HX is essentially the interim Det Comd. Most of the time something needed to be done and I was just too out of my mind, he ended doing it without me telling him to. I recommended him to become a 3SG in the event that I would not be available, ie reservist and whatnot. He has the initiative and moreso the 6th sense that something needed to be done and no one wanted to do it. Quick example: when the ptp guys were ording on the 10th, the camp passes still had not been collated yet. The only thing I did was to get Keqin to call the Int Spec. He gave instructions to just leave it. I, at the time was just in ORD mood I didn't want to act like a sergeant again and say ok all of you all hand in to me, I be camp pass IC. So I just walked around pretending it was none of my business. He was the only who did anything about it and collected from the rest of the guys, sure some of them had THOUGHT about collecting it, but nobody did anything.
And with HX and the other reasons I wrote, I felt as if I really didn't do anything much. Maybe I picked up a
bit or 2 about vehicle. Maybe about the level of competency my driver had at year 1.
Improve a lot.
Funny thing is that when you start at a very bad point, it is very easy to come across as the most improved one out of the lot. Also funny is that, the point where everyone seems to think I started improving is when I stopped really caring.
Loyal
I really don't know how to respond to this. On one hand, I could see how my actions would be perceived as one of loyalty. But yet on the other hand, I could remember myself trying to distance myself from these people for one reason or the other. I feel guilty when people call me loyal. My mind is sort of betraying my actions. But I think it's just another one of those times, like when you just feel so sick of your girlfriend that you would do anything to get away, even though you've always loved them and always will, its' just one of those phases, I guess.
Some quotes:
"What is asked from his superior usually will be accomplished
Can set aside personal grudges and complete his task"
I really like this quote in particular because it sets me aside as a really focused
"I dont think you treat people unfairly cuz you treat most ppl the same."
Which is also true, I treat everyone just as shittily, also refer to paragraph about rude.
The unique thing about this is that some people do manage to see through whatever facade I have left and they do in fact understand or at least know a part of my personality or my thinking. It doesn't happen very often and usually different people will see something different.
One person saw me through as a negative, pessimistic person who is also proud. Seems spot on.
One person described me as this: giving instructions is a breeze. That is my intention when I talk quickly, loudly and like an asshole, which turns out to be my normal way of talking.
One person described me as "like
That's it for now. At 0102 am.
Some honorable mentions:
"Change your wardrobe"
"cannot run"
"if properly motivated, will get things done"
"it's a pity to not overcome first impressions"
