I'm going to be the head of Raffles Hall Orientation Camp 15/16 (RHOC). Well, not technically, I will be co-chairing it with 2 other people, one of them won't even be staying in hall in the first place. This position is something that I've wanted for the past almost 2 years, and the system was recently altered from 1 main chairperson, with 1 or more vice-chair, to having 3 co-chair sharing the same authority.
It was never like this for a very simple reason, that the people need one person to look up to to make decisions, some of which can be urgent and require immediate attention. I personally do not agree with this, and have often thought about walking away. I don't think having 3 people to deliberate over issues makes us any better, than it would have with one person, and this week has proven that over and over again.
The reason, the very simple reason that we did this with my year is simply that we are incapable. Not one of us is capable of taking the lead role, for one reason or another. Every better candidate has either left, or is somehow caught up with his/her own personal matters. What's left is this loser standing there, the one they didn't even need to discuss anything about because he gave such a definitive answer to whether he was going to do RHOC for a 3rd year, the one that was going to be hanging around the cool kids no matter what happened. This guy. And I'm just incapable of leading it by myself, that we need a guy who has already left the hall to hold our hand.
I don't think anyone can mistake my attitude as being happy about this. And trust me when I say if the right person reads this, I would get so fucked. But I'm bitter for 2 reasons. One that the system is simply not good for anyone and two, that I haven't been able to prove my worth, not only to those outside our workgroup but those within as well.
It was very clear during that Tuesday conversation that I was not going to be a solo head. The situation was laid out very clearly, that higher ups will stop me (although who exactly I'm not sure, because that answer always seemed to be "self-censored"). It was either going to be 3 co-chairs or one main chair, the one who left hall. Yup, the one who left hall. So unconfident in me and the other girl that they were will to take the chance on a guy who made the active and conscious decision to leave hall. And throughout that conversation, we would keep coming up with situations and scenarios to defend our arguments, and it became increasingly clear, crystal clear, that in no situations would I ever end up as the main chair. Zero. I would simply be there to carry weight. And it pisses me off, even as I'm typing this, like one week later, confident that the bad feels had all but evaporated. It was really a sobering thought for the gears to slowly turn in my head and make that realisation. That this person (my senior) was constantly thinking with that assumption in mind. "Do you think he will listen to you all properly if you were only vice?", "Are you sure he won't outplay you all even if you make any kind of arrangements to see each other as equals?" These lines exemplify the underlying assumption that I'm talking about. Because none of the "he" in those situations were ever directed as me. All of those situations had us as vice in mind. Because there was zero chance that either one of us were going to be in that position, at least not in her mind.
So why am I here? After all this bs, why am I still taking this job as co-chair? Because it meant we could buy time. My senior said that this system, at least for now, is just to get past the current oversight so we can move on to more important things, we could change it later when people are looking down so much. But honestly, I had no confidence in ever changing the system. I just needed a reason to hang on. I knew we weren't buying time. I knew we weren't going to change back to the 1 chair system unless some accident happens. I knew. But at that moment, I just needed a reason to walk out of that room. In my room, I had honestly entertained the thought of outplaying the others, to undersell the other 2's contributions and commitment and to become the only one hanging around that people would look to for advice, and all other dirty bullshit that comes with tactics like this. But I'm not going to do it. I can't justify it to myself. This wasn't worth compromising my morals. As much as I want this, for myself to be the chair, I couldn't make peace with those actions if I did them.
And what's worse is that I know other people do it and they can sleep at night just fine, because to them it's not morally wrong, it's just giving selective information. And I'm not like that. I have put myself in the line of fire for choosing to believe people are mature enough to handle the truth. I have been heavily criticised for saying things that people themselves wished they could hear more often. And I wasn't even using the usual mean asshole tone of voice that I normally use.
Something that I've learnt, even in this short 1 week tenure, is this idea that you can no longer represent "just" yourself in any conversation any more, that as someone with some title, it's always about the other side. That you have to look at them as an individual with personal commitments and personal feelings, but they get some leeway to look at you as something outside of a human person. I can't ever really use this line that I always seem to use any more: "eh guys, just cooperate with me la, I very tired already." Because I can't be tired any more, I have to do this, this job thing, and the worse part is that I never even realised that I had taken on that mantle or that people's perspective of me changed until someone texted me "am I supposed to comfort you".
Yup, this is the real world.
This is the world I signed up for.
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Sometimes, people will care enough to ask me why I still want to stay here. Sometimes, maybe like once, and ironically, it's never the people in my own workgroup. Just random people that I happen to share my sob story with. RHOC is the only thing in my life that I have ever committed out of principle before. In the past, and I'm sure it's true with most people, we stick with things we don't want to do because we knew that we would go through it with our friends, and that they would suffer if we just walked out. And it was like that for me as well, for everything except RHOC. At the end of my first year in RHOC, I couldn't even ask myself who were my friends in the end. There was no one I talked to seriously about staying a second time, and likewise no one really approached me to get a totally honest answer. Just, "eh you staying anot?" "Dunno leh, see how next year lor" type of conversation. So I didn't gain any real friends at the end of RHOC. Even the week before RHOC started, I was seriously considering quitting the camp. Imagine this, walking away 1 week before everything you have worked for for one whole year. That was how lonely it felt, when I was making that decision in my head.
I say I stayed out of principle. And it was because I really respected the "guts" that we had during the first year. That we were willing to not just propose crazy "possibly get expelled" level of stuff, but also carry them through seriously. I really respect people who pull through, and they don't say such stuff for shits and giggles. That's why I stayed for my first year. Because it felt like we were pushing an envelope nobody else was, not even for the rest of the school. And it was really something I could be proud of, even when people outside our workgroup couldn't really see the significance of it. It wasn't for the recognition, it was simply for going through with something that crazy.
But the reason I wanted to be head is a bit more personal. All my life, I have worked in camps. All 4 years of secondary school in NPCC and OBS, only to have the final, most climactic role as leaders during the NCO camp in sec 4 taken away because the principal said we needed to study more and suspended all CCAs for us. Then came SRJC and student council, where I did nothing more that "safety officer", basically cycling around to make sure people aren't lost. It felt really strange to be in that role because it felt so out of place with the rest of the camp. So for a good 6 years, I have been moving forward to a place that just keeps getting shifted away from me. I wanted to be head because it would validate everything I have done outside school for those 6 years. I needed a way to close that chapter and say, ok, now I've done it all. I have made use of what I learnt and done the job I was preparing for all this while. Even if it was something as meaningless as an orientation camp. I want to at least do a good job for that. I want to not let all those people who have touched my life down. I don't want to let myself down.
That's me being selfish. This is something I want to do for my own sake.
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I also know that I would get fucked for airing my honest opinion on such a platform. I'm not going to seek and draw attention to it. Anyone who comes here is deciding to read on their own accord and if that changes your opinion of me, then I don't know what to say. I'm not going to pretend to be some hero or some punkass. This is what I think, and I'm not even going into detail about what I think about specific people. If this changes your opinion of me, then so be it. Do whatever you want with this information. I don't like to hide behind false assumptions and if exposing my own flaws makes you think less of me, imagine what others aren't telling you. I hope that in time, I can live in a community where I'm not afraid of revealing my flaws. I hate hiding. I prefer talking. Makes more friends that way.
