When I was in primary 6, I took my PSLE papers and had decent results. If I remember correctly, I got 211, which by all means is not a terrible score.
I cried that night.
I had a friend then who wasn't the smartest person I knew, but he had his talents in other areas, specifically art. He sat in front of me in class and when I asked him about his score, he turned around and said 213. It felt weird and uncomfortable because it violated the status quo somewhat. I was supposed to be the book guy and he was supposed to be the art guy. It felt wrong.
Then I went home and checked the cut off points of the nearby secondary schools and found that I would always be a few points short of those schools. Maris Stella, North Vista, Nan Chiau, etc, alwasy just 2 or 3 or 4 points short. And that was where the disappointment really came in.
So after I came to my senses, I told my mum I would go to Holy Innocents' High, despite meeting the criteria for other marginally better, but ultimately too inconvenient schools. I told her that I would go back to the affiliated schools and become the best in that small school.
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When I took my O Levels, I got 15. My target was at least 10. I also cried that night. I had to accept my fate that I would go into a JC that I had all but written off. The same school that I used to say "Go there might as well go poly."
I ended up breaking all my (and my teachers') expectations when I took my A levels.
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Perhaps it is because of my upbringing and the people I grew up with, but I learnt that ambition is not the best quality for myself as a person. When I did so fantastically well in the As, that I thought I was on top of the world; that I should really challenge myself and enter Architecture. I really, for that one moment, thought I was invincible. Just because I got a couple of As. What you don't know is that living in a 3-mrt zone. when your whole world revolves around Kovan, Hougang, Sengkang, that impossibly disgustingly smart people exist. And not only that, they are capable and athletic and talented in all the areas that you can never hope to be.
But I hear what you are saying, "Other people's abilities shouldn't affect you as person." The problem is that they do. The system we exist in doesn't recognize individuals as uniquely abled, but as relative numbers in a scale. "You are only good to me if you are the most capable person available to me." And because of that I have been turned away multiple times in my university life.
I thought that when I entered the premier Uni in Singapore, I would be open to a world of opportunities. The problem is that I have always been at the bottom of that barrel. Suddenly I became a nobody, with no real skills to hold to my name. I've never been the most charming or the most sociable. I've never had sports or arts or music to stand behind. And now, what people used to remember me fondly of as that smart guy, suddenly became meaningless as I became surrounded by a bunch of other smart guys. I understand that my A level results was a fluke, both then and now, but I liked to hold it up as a reminder of my ability, as superficial or fragile as that might seem.
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So after all that I've said, why does this matter? Grades aren't important. Ya, this isn't about grades. It's about happiness. 12 years after my PSLE posting, I have figured out that the best life decision I can make is always the convenient one, not the challenging one. When I ever get stuck about where to go in life, between what I'm good at or what I like the most. Always pick the one that I'm good at. Because you don't ever stop being good at it, but you never know if you will ever stop liking it that much. Be happy in that little bubble and be ignorant of what is out there. Because it's happier to be happy and stupid than to be sad and smart. Don't surround yourself with people who are too similar to you in ability, both the type and the level, because you become unremarkable, unnoticable and to a certain extent, unhelpful.
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I have become such a bitter, cynical person that I sometimes wonder if entering Uni was ever the choice. I can't really openly trust someone any more, and it seems like a loss of innocence somewhat.
