The 12 Year Lesson

When I was in primary 6, I took my PSLE papers and had decent results. If I remember correctly, I got 211, which by all means is not a terrible score.

I cried that night.

I had a friend then who wasn't the smartest person I knew, but he had his talents in other areas, specifically art. He sat in front of me in class and when I asked him about his score, he turned around and said 213. It felt weird and uncomfortable because it violated the status quo somewhat. I was supposed to be the book guy and he was supposed to be the art guy. It felt wrong.

Then I went home and checked the cut off points of the nearby secondary schools and found that I would always be a few points short of those schools. Maris Stella, North Vista, Nan Chiau, etc, alwasy just 2 or 3 or 4 points short. And that was where the disappointment really came in.

So after I came to my senses, I told my mum I would go to Holy Innocents' High, despite meeting the criteria for other marginally better, but ultimately too inconvenient schools. I told her that I would go back to the affiliated schools and become the best in that small school.

~

When I took my O Levels, I got 15. My target was at least 10. I also cried that night. I had to accept my fate that I would go into a JC that I had all but written off. The same school that I used to say "Go there might as well go poly."

I ended up breaking all my (and my teachers') expectations when I took my A levels.

~

Perhaps it is because of my upbringing and the people I grew up with, but I learnt that ambition is not the best quality for myself as a person. When I did so fantastically well in the As, that I thought I was on top of the world; that I should really challenge myself and enter Architecture. I really, for that one moment, thought I was invincible. Just because I got a couple of As. What you don't know is that living in a 3-mrt zone. when your whole world revolves around Kovan, Hougang, Sengkang, that impossibly disgustingly smart people exist. And not only that, they are capable and athletic and talented in all the areas that you can never hope to be.

But I hear what you are saying, "Other people's abilities shouldn't affect you as person." The problem is that they do. The system we exist in doesn't recognize individuals as uniquely abled, but as relative numbers in a scale. "You are only good to me if you are the most capable person available to me." And because of that I have been turned away multiple times in my university life.

I thought that when I entered the premier Uni in Singapore, I would be open to a world of opportunities. The problem is that I have always been at the bottom of that barrel. Suddenly I became a nobody, with no real skills to hold to my name. I've never been the most charming or the most sociable. I've never had sports or arts or music to stand behind. And now, what people used to remember me fondly of as that smart guy, suddenly became meaningless as I became surrounded by a bunch of other smart guys. I understand that my A level results was a fluke, both then and now, but I liked to hold it up as a reminder of my ability, as superficial or fragile as that might seem.

~

So after all that I've said, why does this matter? Grades aren't important. Ya, this isn't about grades. It's about happiness. 12 years after my PSLE posting, I have figured out that the best life decision I can make is always the convenient one, not the challenging one. When I ever get stuck about where to go in life, between what I'm good at or what I like the most. Always pick the one that I'm good at. Because you don't ever stop being good at it, but you never know if you will ever stop liking it that much. Be happy in that little bubble and be ignorant of what is out there. Because it's happier to be happy and stupid than to be sad and smart. Don't surround yourself with people who are too similar to you in ability, both the type and the level, because you become unremarkable, unnoticable and to a certain extent, unhelpful.

~

I have become such a bitter, cynical person that I sometimes wonder if entering Uni was ever the choice. I can't really openly trust someone any more, and it seems like a loss of innocence somewhat.

This youtube video

There are 2 tropes in film and TV I always find endearing: 1 is narration over the entire story and the other is when a person picks up something entirely new for the sake of trying to get his crush's attention.

When there's a narrator present, it changes of event after event after event happening to a very campfire-story like feel. A narrated story gets more depth because of the input by the narrator, usually in the form of a more experienced version of the main character or someone who witnessed the story. They can describe things like thoughts or foreshadowing in a more personal, conversational style.

But that's not what I liked about this video. There is this part where the girl picks up a skill to help her connect with the guy she likes, something that she never even knew about him before. That was the part where my facial expression changed from curious eyes, to awwww-smile.

I think the reason why I'm so attached to this is that I always put myself in the person's shoes, especially in shows where its not entirely fantastical like superhero movies or animals or whatever.

And even though I can logically reason out why this would be a terrible idea from the perspective of the crush, I still can't emotionally put myself in that position. In my mind, I KNOW and UNDERSTAND why this would be such a creep move, but I still can't help but root for the other person. Learning something new is very very hard and under ordinary circumstances, nobody would find the time or energy to do it. But when the motivation of simply getting someone's attention becomes the main focus, all the inertia and reluctance sort of melts away. You stop looking at this actually useful thing as a chore and simply look at it as another thing you do to get forward. It becomes this really sweet gesture, because unlike buying flowers or whatever, it actually takes hard work and time. Somebody is working hard for love. That is pretty much the definition of such shows.

Those we call leaders

I wasn't sure if it was the 2 hours of lying on the bed, or just hall-related anxiousness, but I started to think about my life. About those that made me who I am today.

And I find it quite hard to run away from my past in NPCC. In fact, it wouldn't be an unfair comment to say that everything I know today, everything that I am today is a result of those 4 years and the very impressive people who taught me what it meant to be a leader. Because even now, when I look at my achievements, and by extension, my failures, I see the unmistakable touch they had in my life, even 10+ years on. There were 4 people who impacted my life the most, because they ultimately shaped the idea of what a leader should be. Even after so many years, and so many other experiences in JC, army and Uni, I still see them as the example I want to follow. I still think back to the words that they said and the actions that they took to guide me now. 

I will always remember these stories, as a testament to how impressive they were. Maybe the words I'm about to write will not do the same for you, but being there did it for me. And it's always the small things that matter in the end, not the grand gesture or speeches on the podium, it's always the little things.

~You can always tell who is amazing at holding attention. We were at a captain's ball game outside of school and we were losing, even though we were one of the hot favourites. Half-time. Joey calls everyone around him, even though he was just there as a visitor. Supposedly he had some other duty at some game station but just came by to watch. Anyway, he's there when nobody expects, and he just asks everyone to squeeze around him. He doesn't talk very loudly, not the way he normally does anyway, but you can see everyone around just listening to him intently. He's not a very tall guy, but even the tallest bends down to listen, sweat dripping of his brow. That's what commanding respect looks like. You don't need the voice or the gesture or any other gimmick if you have their attention, their respect. 

~There was this once when we were nearing the end of sec 3. And it was a normal weekly training, not some camp or whatever. The officers and senior NCOs pulled the entire cohort to a classroom, where the tables and chairs were already moved to the side. We all sat on the ground, the lights were off and the windows were closed. So even though it was still day time, there was only little light shining through whichever window panel was already missing. Joey sat on the table with legs swinging off the ground, while the other seniors just sorted themselves around us, not really doing anything except wait. I particularly remember Jia Hao closing the door and standing beside it with arms folded, as if  to stop any of us from leaving. Then Joey spoke, "I'm going to address each and everyone of you all individually. So what I say to your squadmate beside you may not make sense to you. Everything I say or any of the others say will not leave this room." We've never had this kind of conversations before so it didn't really register in my head and he sounded off to each individual, one by one, starting from the back. Then it came to my turn and he said, "Shi Li Pai was never meant to separate you from the others, it was something we said to encourage them." The confusion of contextless information you are experiencing right now is the same as what I had experienced there on the spot. I was just so stunned that he moved on to the next individual. The reason I was shocked was because I never expected him or anyone to take notice of my passing remark, anyone to perhaps read my stupid blog. I was a nobody and I didn't expect anyone to pay attention. I was half-expecting him to say things like "you need to buck up and stand out more", more general stuff, not a remark like this. But what he said cut at the heart of how I felt exactly in my squad, that I wasn't one of the shi li pai. The very fact that someone outside my social circle, a superior to say the least, acknowledge my own insecurities meant a lot to me, even if I didn't know it at the time. That's why I cannot forget this story. Because he taught me to always take care of your guys, and that includes the little things, because they are a marker of much bigger things.

I don't even remember how I reacted after that. I think I was just too stunned to say anything

~I've always been a late bloomer back then. In a world where it is typical to leave school as a Staff Sergeant, second only to a Senior Inspector (but the whole school only can have 2), I have never even worn my Sergeant rank officially. And I remember exactly why that is because while I was technically promoted in sec 4, but I never had the chance to wear that during a parade, and never had a proper "promotion" parade, since my promotion came in the middle of nowhere. So I wasn't ever in a hurry to get the rank from Beach Rd anyway. And the reason I remember what my final rank was is because I had a friend help me buy it when she was passing by, because one of the more "show-face" type of parade was coming up and I wanted to wear it for the first time. Sure enough, I did the parade without it, and then after that, my friend say paiseh to me and pass me the rank from her pocket.

10+ years on and I still see myself unable to reach that "level", that "standard", that "shi li pai" that they were so many years ago. And I'm deeply ashamed, that after so many years, I still couldn't match up to, in other people's eyes, a standard that was on par with them all those years ago.

Sometimes, even today, I wish I could go back and ask them for advice for today's problems. For once, perhaps because nobody is left, I am given leadership positions. Something I struggle with internally because it feels like I don't have the right person to look up to today and ask for help. 

But regardless, 

I want to thank Joey, Jocelyn, Jia Hao and Hui Ying for showing me what leaders are supposed to be.

"I would rather have 10 people with the right attitude, than 40 who don't"

A Sobering Thought

I'm going to be the head of Raffles Hall Orientation Camp 15/16 (RHOC). Well, not technically, I will be co-chairing it with 2 other people, one of them won't even be staying in hall in the first place. This position is something that I've wanted for the past almost 2 years, and the system was recently altered from 1 main chairperson, with 1 or more vice-chair, to having 3 co-chair sharing the same authority.

It was never like this for a very simple reason, that the people need one person to look up to to make decisions, some of which can be urgent and require immediate attention. I personally do not agree with this, and have often thought about walking away. I don't think having 3 people to deliberate over issues makes us any better, than it would have with one person, and this week has proven that over and over again.

The reason, the very simple reason that we did this with my year is simply that we are incapable. Not one of us is capable of taking the lead role, for one reason or another. Every better candidate has either left, or is somehow caught up with his/her own personal matters. What's left is this loser standing there, the one they didn't even need to discuss anything about because he gave such a definitive answer to whether he was going to do RHOC for a 3rd year, the one that was going to be hanging around the cool kids no matter what happened. This guy. And I'm just incapable of leading it by myself, that we need a guy who has already left the hall to hold our hand.

I don't think anyone can mistake my attitude as being happy about this. And trust me when I say if the right person reads this, I would get so fucked. But I'm bitter for 2 reasons. One that the system is simply not good for anyone and two, that I haven't been able to prove my worth, not only to those outside our workgroup but those within as well.

It was very clear during that Tuesday conversation that I was not going to be a solo head. The situation was laid out very clearly, that higher ups will stop me (although who exactly I'm not sure, because that answer always seemed to be "self-censored"). It was either going to be 3 co-chairs or one main chair, the one who left hall. Yup, the one who left hall. So unconfident in me and the other girl that they were will to take the chance on a guy who made the active and conscious decision to leave hall. And throughout that conversation, we would keep coming up with situations and scenarios to defend our arguments, and it became increasingly clear, crystal clear, that in no situations would I ever end up as the main chair. Zero. I would simply be there to carry weight. And it pisses me off, even as I'm typing this, like one week later, confident that the bad feels had all but evaporated. It was really a sobering thought for the gears to slowly turn in my head and make that realisation. That this person (my senior) was constantly thinking with that assumption in mind. "Do you think he will listen to you all properly if you were only vice?", "Are you sure he won't outplay you all even if you make any kind of arrangements to see each other as equals?" These lines exemplify the underlying assumption that I'm talking about. Because none of the "he" in those situations were ever directed as me. All of those situations had us as vice in mind. Because there was zero chance that either one of us were going to be in that position, at least not in her mind.

So why am I here? After all this bs, why am I still taking this job as co-chair? Because it meant we could buy time. My senior said that this system, at least for now, is just to get past the current oversight so we can move on to more important things, we could change it later when people are looking down so much. But honestly, I had no confidence in ever changing the system. I just needed a reason to hang on. I knew we weren't buying time. I knew we weren't going to change back to the 1 chair system unless some accident happens. I knew. But at that moment, I just needed a reason to walk out of that room. In my room, I had honestly entertained the thought of outplaying the others, to undersell the other 2's contributions and commitment and to become the only one hanging around that people would look to for advice, and all other dirty bullshit that comes with tactics like this. But I'm not going to do it. I can't justify it to myself. This wasn't worth compromising my morals. As much as I want this, for myself to be the chair, I couldn't make peace with those actions if I did them.

And what's worse is that I know other people do it and they can sleep at night just fine, because to them it's not morally wrong, it's just giving selective information. And I'm not like that. I have put myself in the line of fire for choosing to believe people are mature enough to handle the truth. I have been heavily criticised for saying things that people themselves wished they could hear more often. And I wasn't even using the usual mean asshole tone of voice that I normally use.

Something that I've learnt, even in this short 1 week tenure, is this idea that you can no longer represent "just" yourself in any conversation any more, that as someone with some title, it's always about the other side. That you have to look at them as an individual with personal commitments and personal feelings, but they get some leeway to look at you as something outside of a human person. I can't ever really use this line that I always seem to use any more: "eh guys, just cooperate with me la, I very tired already." Because I can't be tired any more, I have to do this, this job thing, and the worse part is that I never even realised that I had taken on that mantle or that people's perspective of me changed until someone texted me "am I supposed to comfort you".

Yup, this is the real world.

This is the world I signed up for.


~~~

Sometimes, people will care enough to ask me why I still want to stay here. Sometimes, maybe like once, and ironically, it's never the people in my own workgroup. Just random people that I happen to share my sob story with. RHOC is the only thing in my life that I have ever committed out of principle before. In the past, and I'm sure it's true with most people, we stick with things we don't want to do because we knew that we would go through it with our friends, and that they would suffer if we just walked out. And it was like that for me as well, for everything except RHOC. At the end of my first year in RHOC, I couldn't even ask myself who were my friends in the end. There was no one I talked to seriously about staying a second time, and likewise no one really approached me to get a totally honest answer. Just, "eh you staying anot?" "Dunno leh, see how next year lor" type of conversation. So I didn't gain any real friends at the end of RHOC. Even the week before RHOC started, I was seriously considering quitting the camp. Imagine this, walking away 1 week before everything you have worked for for one whole year. That was how lonely it felt, when I was making that decision in my head.

I say I stayed out of principle. And it was because I really respected the "guts" that we had during the first year. That we were willing to not just propose crazy "possibly get expelled" level of stuff, but also carry them through seriously. I really respect people who pull through, and they don't say such stuff for shits and giggles. That's why I stayed for my first year. Because it felt like we were pushing an envelope nobody else was, not even for the rest of the school. And it was really something I could be proud of, even when people outside our workgroup couldn't really see the significance of it. It wasn't for the recognition, it was simply for going through with something that crazy.

But the reason I wanted to be head is a bit more personal. All my life, I have worked in camps. All 4 years of secondary school in NPCC and OBS, only to have the final, most climactic role as leaders during the NCO camp in sec 4 taken away because the principal said we needed to study more and suspended all CCAs for us. Then came SRJC and student council, where I did nothing more that "safety officer", basically cycling around to make sure people aren't lost. It felt really strange to be in that role because it felt so out of place with the rest of the camp. So for a good 6 years, I have been moving forward to a place that just keeps getting shifted away from me. I wanted to be head because it would validate everything I have done outside school for those 6 years. I needed a way to close that chapter and say, ok, now I've done it all. I have made use of what I learnt and done the job I was preparing for all this while. Even if it was something as meaningless as an orientation camp. I want to at least do a good job for that. I want to not let all those people who have touched my life down. I don't want to let myself down.

That's me being selfish. This is something I want to do for my own sake.

~~~~~~

I also know that I would get fucked for airing my honest opinion on such a platform. I'm not going to seek and draw attention to it. Anyone who comes here is deciding to read on their own accord and if that changes your opinion of me, then I don't know what to say. I'm not going to pretend to be some hero or some punkass. This is what I think, and I'm not even going into detail about what I think about specific people. If this changes your opinion of me, then so be it. Do whatever you want with this information. I don't like to hide behind false assumptions and if exposing my own flaws makes you think less of me, imagine what others aren't telling you. I hope that in time, I can live in a community where I'm not afraid of revealing my flaws. I hate hiding. I prefer talking. Makes more friends that way.

---

There's actually been a post about Facebook that I've had on my screen for the last 4 days. I just don't know why I don't want to post it yet. But I'm sure I'm not gonna post it any time soon because it feels incomplete.

The "point" of travelling

Over the past 3 years, I've been on 3 big trips, with a few small ones scattered in the middle.

I've been to Western Europe for 6 weeks,

Taiwan for roughly 10 days

and most recently, Israel for almost one month.

I've always been a slow traveller; I like to take my time and soak up the place without knowing anything except what I can eat and where I can sleep. 

The "objective" of each trip, or travelling in general has evolved and become more nuanced, complicated over the years.

People

A big part of travelling for me is always to live the lives of the "natives". Because I value different opinions, I like to understand the social and cultural make-up of different groups of people and figure out where they come from. It's fun to be Sherlock and "solve" the big mystery of why the Netherlands is so bicycle-friendly (because their land is extremely flat and there was once a oil shortage so severe they resorted to improving infrastructure instead), but the real fun begins when they take you completely by surprise (like the fact that Israel is actually extremely gay-friendly, even in super-conservative Jerusalem).

A consequence of this desire is a natural avoidance of "hostel patrons", the people who sit around in the hostel dining room or lounge all day and chat up whomever is around. I find it naturally weird to speak to a Japanese in Thailand because the conversation usually moves in 2 directions, 

either 

"Have you seen XYZ monument?"

"Oh yes, I have!"

"Then have you seen ABC park?"

and so on and so forth. Tourists speaking to other tourists is like kids comparing answers after they leave the exam hall.

Or they will compare adventures, which just becomes a dick measuring contest. I'm interested in the country I'm going, not the visitors of said country.

Place

Some places don't really need people. We don't need to know the individuals of a place to know that place. Sometimes a place is either so full of people with similar stories or so devoid of people in the first place that you can just sit somewhere and admire.

Taiwan is one of those places. Taipei, the city itself, doesn't need individuals to explain itself. The signages, traffic, buildings, roads, crowds, kids, parks all paint a picture that doesn't need a narrator. It's very much a system in and of itself. One that I find myself calling Singapore+20, as in how cities develop without any particular direction; perhaps one that Singapore might look like in 20 years time if there was no concerted effort to push it in one direction or the other (e.g. transport hub, or bio-research hub or whatever).

The rest of Taiwan, on the other hand, is what we wished we had, sprawling mountains and rivers and seas. Again, one that doesn't need much narration. Although I have to admit, it'd be nice to have a human voice to guide this side of Taiwan.

~

On the other hand, we have Israel. The ironic thing here is that although I've spent considerably more time in Israel than Taiwan, I feel like I understand Taiwan a lot more, at least Taipei. 

There could be a lot of reasons for this. We have a very serious agenda in Israel, with Mada and whatnot. I've also had to travel with a much bigger group of people (15), which could make travelling a bit cumbersome. Most of the itinerary has also been planned for the Israel trip, compared to Taiwan, which only really had 3 or 4 major points we planned for and nothing much else. 

I've met a considerable number of Israelis, but the more I meet, the more I'm convinced that I know too little about this place. I think it speaks a lot more about the complexity of Israel than anything else.

In fact, given another opportunity, I would probably go back to that region to make better sense of it. Like, it feels like I'm not satisfied with that place the way I am with Taiwan and Europe (well, most of europe anyway, I'll probably head back to Holland to visit friends and maybe Germany to satisfy my curiosity)  Probably not on my own coin though.

Actually I brought up Israel because I wanted to talk more about the hit-and-hit nature of the trip more than anything else.The way I described to a friend was hit-hit-hit-hit-hit-hit-hit-hit-hit-hit-hit-airport style of travelling. I find this way to be most unappealing, because it reduces the spirit of a country down to its biggest and sometimes more tourist-trappy locations. I find that time is a necessary component of understanding because we don't always know the right questions to ask. Time is that element that brings about coincidences and mistakes and spontaneous situations; things that do not translate well into a guidebook or a internet review website.

~

A friend once recalled that through our travels we don't necessarily know more the places we are in, but we do know more about ourselves.

There is a lot of truth from that. And experience taught me that more than anything. Perhaps over the next few weeks or months or whatever I'll jot down my thoughts on personal growth.

Some things stewing around in my brain soup::

Asking the right questions (not really travel-related)

Being lonely in a group; why some days feel lonelier than others

Observing MADA

Singaporean girls and why i can't even

Expectations in relationships from a relationship-less guy (al's story)

Labels in conversations

The last 3 were things from the most recent trip, SO DON'T BLAME ME, I DON'T USUALLY TALK ABOUT GIRLY FEELY GLSKDJLSKDJOWIJE

Not today though.

Compromise, Ideal,and Perfect

This is 2 years in review.

I will probably focus more on school stuff, over hall stuff, or even family and relationship stuff, because there isn't the time to talk about those, but you may see some cross-overs here and there. Because life's like that. Nothing's mutually exclusive.

That's a really interesting thought to think about. When I started school, like many people before me, I had this mentality that I was going to focus on school and then just pick up the other parts of my life during the holidays. Everything seemed to be planned out nicely; I would focus on just getting schoolwork done, then either go on holidays to unwind or commit to Orientation camp committee during the 3-month summer break so that I could remain in hall, which is what I really needed to just even be on track to finish schoolwork on time. That sounded like a solid plan.

But what they don't tell you is that you will end up picking up pieces.

Time passes by very quickly when you're in a studio. It feels like every moment is dragged on when you're inside, but as soon as you leave, you see people moving on without you. Every time vacation rolls around and then I find out X and Y have done this and A is going to retire or whatever. It shakes me at the core to fully comprehend that people are moving on, and they are moving on whether I'm in their lives or not.

2 years in, and I still haven't found this elusive thing called "work-life balance"

I made the "mistake" of committing to the wrong thing in my first year. Like I said, I compartmentalized my life into school time, followed by hall time, followed by NS and overseas time, followed by orientation camp time and then back to school. The problem with that is that other people "socialise" throughout this entire period, but I've managed to break them up into chunks, often with too much intensity and not spread out enough. My family went through a brief period of bad times during my year 1 and it was the first time I broke down as a result of stress. I just huddled with my dog at the stairs and cried for a good while, and then once more a day later when my parents probed me after realizing something was wrong. I'm not really ashamed that I broke down even though I don't really discuss it with people outside my circle of trust. (that circle is extremely small.) Suffice it to say, it wasn't one big reason, like a close family member passing away, but a series of small events that converged at the same time and the fact that they happened almost successively (or at least the time that I was informed of them). I remember the exact reason I broke down the first time was because after a hard 3 days at the studio, I thought I would be able to rest my mind and body, only to realize that there were in fact more problems at home that I just hadn't been aware of. It's like something snatching away your chair just before you sat down when you've been walking for miles and miles. It makes you feel totally helpless and just stunned that you couldn't even rest properly.

Then I made the mistake of forgetting I need to rest in year 2. I remember talking with my supervisor at my part-time job about my availability over the next few months, and it slowly drifted toward the direction of how I handled my time. I have never been this exhausted over such an extended period of time and yet this is the semester where I have slept the most throughout. It is true that I have actually done more deeds this sem than any other, possibly in my life, but I have come to the conclusion that I do not have the stamina, both physical and mental, to keep going at this pace. When I was 18, I roomed with this RJC kid during an inter-JC conference. I peeked at his desktop and it happened to be his monthly schedule and it is packed with colours. This is the first time I've resorted to using google calendar, and when I look back at the stuff I've done, my mind takes a mental sigh of relief and panic at the same time, because it's still intimidating today.

I hope it's not too late to "repair" my relationships with peers. Both in school, hall and outside. Too many friendships have ended in "we just drifted away" and I thank whatever god or gods that are watching over me that I remember to take the time to appreciate my circle of trust. Those 3 misfits are the only people I have poured out to more than anyone else and I owe them so much more than they owe me. The strange thing about all 3 is that those friendships are built almost exclusively as we were leaving each other's presences. They were built as we left school, rather than when we were in it. Maybe it's the absence that reminds us of each others' importance. I don't have the same level of trust with anyone in hall currently, and it's definitely not something that you can force.


I've done all in this sem that I can think of. I've made the most of the opportunities that hall has presented me at this current time. I've tried working for actual money when just a mere 12 months ago, I thought it would have been impossible. I've picked myself up after a terrible interim crit to make something of it, and become sufficiently proud of it to include it in my RIBA portfolio. And I couldn't have done this without my peers and mentors. But all of these remain very professional relationships. I won't ever forget the help and guidance they have rendered me, but they are, at its core, a relationship of necessity. I'm not going to walk into someone's room and spill out my guts in the middle of the night because I don't have that type of friend here on campus. And vice versa, nobody's going to come into my room with anything other than work-related stuff to discuss. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I do know that it's a thing that's missing in my life and I can't judge that which I have no experience in.

~

I started this post thinking that I would write about the inadequacy of architectural education. Now, I seem to just be lamenting the losses that I never knew I signed up for when I accepted this course.

I don't know how much I regret, or if I do regret anything at all. I just seem to be at this crossroads where I don't really know what is the right thing to do moving forward.

Not proud to be singaporean

So there's news of this girl going around that she said (into a mic, in front of the media and press) that she's not proud to be Singaporean.

Here's her "defence"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydANJ5qLHG4&feature=youtu.be

I'm not really here to argue her points, because the only thing that really really rattled my brain (other than the actual main point that I'm going to talk about later) is, Is Australia's Minimum Wage really $20/hour. Because we're working at $7 or $8 per hour and Small/ Medium firm employers are already struggling to make ends meet.

Anyway, aside from that, I want to talk about convincing people. All my education has trained me to tear apart arguments and pick at them in bits and pieces as well as as a whole to figure out if they are actually making sense. Usually that aspect of picking things apart alone will be enough to convince me whether someone is really making a solid point or just talking bullshit. But recently, I've been more and more exposed to (or just suddenly aware of) people sounding "immature" while simultaneously making a good point. Now, when I say "immature", I don't necessarily mean sounding naive or childish (even though that certainly fits into the category), I mean more like they reveal aspects of their personality that either turns off me or a certain part of their audience or just sound like they have a reason or agenda to convince me of a certain thing.

This video has a few solid points, no doubt. But something, not exactly her "fuck you" attitude (which I normally respect), seems to be holding me back from fully embracing her ideas and going "Hell Yeah!!"

Here's a way to sort of visualize what I'm talking about. Imagine there is a sliding scale where the left means I'm completely unconvinced and the right being the opposite. But instead of a standard one-marker scale, there are 2 markers connected by a string. Typically, a good communicator would make good points (not necessarily ones that I agree with, just ones that sound well-rounded or well-argued) would push 1 marker to the right while leaving the other without moving, thus leaving the string slack, easily convincing me of what he's saying. The opposite would be a terrible person making stupid or racist remarks, which pushes 1 marker to the left without really making any good attempts at arguing and leaving the other marker not moving.Again, the string is slack and I'm easily convinced that this guy is a retard.

This video does something different. The good points that she makes pushes it easily to the right, but her tiny bit of attitude and her lots of bits of arrogance pushes the other marker to the left. Thus the string becomes tight and has a lot of tension. Now, I'm uneasy one way or the other.

I just find this interesting because it made me think about communication like that.