Here's a sport thing.

So here's a thing that popped up on my newsfeed recently

SEA Games Surprise wins - A wake-up call

The quick summary for those who decide not to read: Lots of SEA games wins this year, many of which unexpected (both in type of sports and players). Spotlight is thrown onto (allegedly) poor funding of various sports, unless you are popular, like soccer and badminton. It then goes on to talk about the Foreign Sports Talents scheme and the its supposed value and impact on our athletes, both projected and actual.

Now here's my take:

First of all, the article itself is obviously written by a local person; there are a lot of traces of bias which can turn people off, especially if they don't agree with you. However, acknowledging that, I do agree with what he/she is trying to say, perhaps just needing to tone down and be a bit more objective.

The bureaucracy of our sports organizations, much like every other one in our very "efficient" culture, is and has always been very results-oriented. I don't know if this speaks to our maturity as a nation but I feel that as more and more people speak up about the "cold" way of doing and managing such large scale organizations, it seems that at least people are starting to question the old way of doing things.

We have always been a very economics-based society. We set a goal and we try to accomplish it. In the past, we decided that we needed money, so we pursued education in math and science at the expense of the local art scene. At some point, we decided to be a transport hub, so Changi Airport and our various trading ports got huge (Incredibly huge!) upgrades, the cost of which is not very clear right now. Now (or at least a few years ago), we have decided that we wanted to win more medals, so we imported athletes. Bear in mind that if you were a politician who made the plan to help us get more medals, we have actually succeeded quite remarkably. The problem is, as always, an oversight of the human cost. These are often costs that do not bear any significant economic value on a spreadsheet but nonetheless have an impact on society. The struggle of the arts scene stand testimony to that fact. And perhaps what's worse is that as a politician, it's a cost I'm will to bear because 1) I'm not losing any money and 2) I'm not losing any voters.

The foreign athletes issue is also brought up. As angry and resentful as I could be, I'm actually much more tired than anything else. The writer actually seems a bit young to me as a result of this, because this line of reasoning and more importantly, this chain of events is something that has been happening throughout Singapore for the last who-knows-how-many years, in just about every facet of Singaporean life, from education to employment. Every time the foreign workers  issue is brought up, it's always the same "oh they will help bring us to a higher level" or some other overused excuse that just seems lazy now that it's almost 2014. And everyday, locals will lose out to foreigners because the entirety of our society cannot compete with the best of the another's, those of which our government is actively trying to woo. At the end of the day, I'm just tired that my government is more easily impressed by the number of gold medals that "we" won as opposed to the person who won that medal.

That is not just a sports analogy.

Big problems, Small problems

At what point is a problem big enough to matter?

When can I rant about something without feeling guilty about it?

Like, is there an absolute scale or some relative scale?

like if some close family member passed away then I would be within my rights and also the social context to grieve semi-openly.

but if I were sitting beside someone whose entire family was kidnapped and murdered, then I would feel bad about ranting, ON TOP of me already feeling bad about the thing that happened.

Of course the scale is a bit insane so it's sort of easy to say that both persons are not "discouraged" to rant because of the absolute horror of what happened to either of them.

My situation (which seems to happen quite a lot over the few years) is that a lot of my problems often feel insignificant because they are often internalized. As in, they are often things that seem to be only in my head, like maybe I assume people judge me or I'm overanalyzing what people are doing, or I'm anticipating rejection and just lists and lists of things like that.

Because it's easy to talk about things that actually have happened. I can give you an example that isn't so close to home so I don't feel uncomfortable talking about it. Let's say I screwed up a presentation and I'm in a terrible mood. It's very easy to explain that things that went wrong, like for example, I wasn't able to finalize my design until only 1 hour left so I had to rush out the production, meaning I had no time to prepare myself to talk. Then at the same time, the tutor decided to randomize the name list, so instead of the 5th or 6th speaker which I expected, I suddenly became first with no warning. So I went up to the front and said everything I could pull out of my brain, resulting in a very disorganized experience for the listeners because they don't know what's inside my head. The tutor said that she was disappointed because there was a lot of potential in the product but the explanation was too off.

These are things that are "easy" to say because there are very clear things that happened or there are very clear cause-and-effect things going on (randomize name list -> suddenly first -> too kan chiong to say anything coherently)

What's difficult to say is the before, in between and after. The thoughts that happen in your head. Because there isn't anything to "tie them down" and link to something, the problem feels like its all in your head. It feels insignificant, as if someone can just say: "just don't think so negatively la"

I'll expand on the previous scenario to give a sense of what I'm talking about. At this point, I need to remind you that this didn't happened but it's "in line" with the problems I try to describe about in my head. The word disappointing will linger in my head. I will think about the times when it felt so promising to finally be able to do something somewhat deserving of a good grade; or even at least praise, which so seldomly befalls this dumb person. Then I'll start thinking about what could have been or even why I'm so dumb to do this instead of that. Is it because I'm really that terrible or just that I'm surrounded by people who are so much more talented my work just looks like primary school beside theirs. Then I'll think about getting maybe a B- or C+, which will definitely severely hamper my chance of going on Exchange Program, because that's the only thing I care about regarding my studies. I'll think about the hordes and hordes of people who are so much smarter than me on paper that they get a free ride without an interview, Then I'll remember that I actually failed interviews before so maybe it's not that i suck on paper, but face-to-face too. Because that would make a lot of sense since I've never made a good impression on people before. Now, I'm just so overly focused on the POSSIBILITY of being shot down that I start to think about other things that I could get shot down for, like not being able to get the jersey and play softball in hall. Or that time I failed the interview to go for overseas CIP, or the time this girl rejected me for another guy and so on and so forth.

Imagine in that scenario, the screwing up of the presentation is not the shit part. I don't really know how to describe it because it feels like its not "real". None of my "problems" feel real. I'm not in despair because I failed my PSLE, I'm in despair because I might not get into where I want to go. Does that even make any sense??

And on top of that, trying to hold everything together because you don't know who you can be vulnerable with and not be judged and have their perception of you change overnight. My mum has told me before that I'm the kind of guy who will store and store everything inside until it bursts one day. Now the bubble is still building up; it just feels weird not telling someone.

P.S. Sometimes I really wish someone will discover this blog and then sms me out of the blue and ask "are you ok?" and then I'll say "no la why you ask". It's just one of my fantasies I guess.

P.P.S I didn't start this post thinking I'll go so personal into this, just maybe like an intellectual exercise at the start then everything started leaking out.