Also, my peers are all graduating.
This is something I've been meaning to write for a while now. And to prevent the flaming failure of my last series on hall stuff, I'm going to keep it, as much as possible, to one point per entry. So that at least, when you read, you get one small but complete picture, rather than going everywhere and not really making any solid conclusions.
There are a number of themes I do want to touch on, hopefully I can cover everything.
Stuff like:
Architecture school, worth it?
The value of college, to a student
Does name and brand matter?
Personal growth over the last 4 years
What if?
Next steps
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But today I'll talk about something that I share an unorthodox perspective on
"Regrets"
One of the questions people bring up, when I mention that I'm not happy at NUS, is whether I regret going to NUS. And that is a difficult question to answer for several reasons.
For me, regret mostly manifests itself as inaction, rather than action. I regret the things I chose not to do, or deliberately chose easier paths to do. But I seldomly regret hard decisions because no matter what, I would look back and say that was the only good decision given the information I had at that time. Like I put myself in particular decision-makers' heads and I don't blame them for doing controversial things, because I could see myself doing the exact same thing at that time.
Every time I hear someone say, I could only have succeeded because I did ABC or been through XYZ, I feel a little queasy. The main reason is that I see experiences as largely interchangeable. Unless there is something unique or overwhelmingly better at this particular school, I won't jump to conclusions and say I'm a smarter person because of NUS, because I don't see the value of NUS making me smarter COMPARED to other competitors. It's like if I get a scuba diving license, I would consider that pretty interchangeable between multiple diving schools. The one I experienced does not seem to have any unique value over the next.
On the other hand, I would, without question, say that SRJC has made me a better person. Because I can internalize the unique value that I would not have gotten elsewhere, namely the excellent teaching staff. To me I can proudly say that statement because it offers value over its nearest equivalent.
And I try to apply that across as many experiences as I can. And it sometimes does offend friends when I say that I might have made similar friends elsewhere and grown in a similar fashion. I have not had such life-altering experiences with most of them, that I feel that Person X or Person Y is truly special. And just to clarify, yes, there are friends I have life-altering experiences with. And they are truly the ones who shaped me into who I am. Whom I wouldn't be here without.
But to really really answer this question. I will say that I feel I have not reach the full maximum of my potential, and that the school and this environment has a very big part to play in that failure.
I can't say for sure, NTU would have been a better fit. Nor can I say NUS was the only culprit.
Because of NUS, I have become smarter, more thoughtful, more deliberate, more idealistic, more guarded, more reserved, more self-centered, more articulate and more cunning. But at the same time, would I have grown similarly somewhere else?
As I write this post, I have to re-examine regret as a concept. Perhaps another way to re-frame this question is whether "Have I become a lesser person than the one I set out to be?"
When I entered this particularly course, I knew I was going to be challenging myself. I don't remember if I was mature enough to accept that there were 2 possible outcomes. Either I was going to come out stronger, or I was going to be broken by the challenge.
But what I can say is, now more than ever, I feel weaker and more confused, even though I've truly known more than I ever have in my life.
So yes, I do feel I have not lived up to what I thought I could achieve. But do I "regret" choosing NUS?
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| Uatu, the worst Watcher in this reality |
No, because it was the best option at the time. Without going through another lifetime, I cannot see what unique experiences NTU or SMU would have given me. I would only have regretted not choosing NUS.
