Stuff People Say 2013: Architecture (alt title: 5 MONTHS OVERDUE)

Remember that thing I do at the start of (pretty much) every year. The one where I get everyone to, well... you can read the rest.

This time, it's my old architecture studio from Sem 1. They're pretty awesome.

Here goes...

Some people think that I'm chill, lazy, loud/arrogant, not confident, hardworking? and other fun stuff.
When you see words in italics, it's my own comments along with their "as far as possible" direct quotes.

From the design assignments can tell you don't really follow the crowd. Like how you use paper like wood when most other people are doing origami. Presentation isn't a problem for you. – Jialing

Chill

"Very chill …You don't look like you are stressed out by deadlines even if you say there are many things you haven't done...you always seem so chill even hours before deadlines I admit I was hopping around my house when I realised my printer was out of ink that time, but you sounded so composed on the phone. Oh and you are quite blank when you are sleepy."

I was actually not registering what she said in my head when she called me 1 hour before deadline... because I was asleep when she called. Surprisingly, this happens pretty often, since JC i think.

Lazy

"fucking lazy, [incident] where u had about 2-3 hours before crit and you decided to sleep instead of touching up your work"

This is the one where he actually told me all this stuff verbally, so I couldn't quote word for word. Not to sound like a bitch, but in my defence, I saw sleep as better prep because we needed to present our work so it was better to clean yourself up, mentally and physically, before standing in front of judging eyes. Different perspectives.

Loud/Arrogant/Straightforward
This will forever and always be the most popular + consistent criticism of me. Haha.

"With regards to people, you really come off as the guy who doesn't give a fuck. There are guys who are socially inept and they can't really differentiate or whatever for certain situations. You are the guy who knows what you are doing and just do whatever the fuck you want, in his face, just to guai lan people

still loud(haha) [after first impression]. but also confident and self-motivated. very resourceful and dedicated."

"You have an arrogant expression that some team leaders or bosses may not akin to during interviews or discussions."

It's fun to hear. Arguably, one of the first actual consequence of my natural expression on my face.

"very loud, brash, angry type of person. maybe wanted to sign on so can shout at recruits every day."

"Like you don't beat around the bush when you want to say something."

"ur a straightforward person to me thats a good thing tho.." 

"You have a rather straight personality"

Not Confident

"One caveat is that I think you could be a bit more confident about your ideas. Don't just ask people about them but practice presenting to them instead of assuming they know because sometimes your ideas are good but you don't angle it properly in a way that really satisfies the requirements."

"as time progresses, you exude a below average level of confidence that will work against you during evaluation cos’ you feel you are not good enough compared to the rest. Sometimes when u know you are at a disadvantage, theres no need to reveal or ‘showhand’. Do it only to yr good friends/buddies.

"ok, not as bad as you think you are. drawing also not as bad as you think you are, sketches are terrible though. drawings are not bad (emphasized)"

I really like this set because those are 3 sets of different criticisms directed at different things, but yet pointing to the same problem.

Hardworking?
This made the least sense to me

"A hardworking person who does not give up the fight easily. Pls keep it that way and not accept average work as the norm….within allocated time. Somehow, I hv the feeling you need to listen to your friends more….i do not know why I have that feeling, but its gut feel. You need to develp the soft creative aspect of design…ie. Flair" 

This also didn't make sense

"I think you are a intelligent guy, very confident, calm and helpful. This impression has been very consistent throughout;)"

Some Interpersonal Stuff

"... we have pretty different backgrounds and characters but I appreciate you accommodating differences (I saw the way you related to your group mates) and I think we would complement each other from a work perspective if we ever got the chance in the future."

"I think you treat people well. I havent seen you having any unfounded prejudice against anybody nor are you in the habit of dissing other people. I appreciate that."

"you probably make friends easily? and you're the type who will readily help people. but be careful to not come across too arrogant ('cos you're loud)."

General Misc Comments

"I thought you were a little beng actually because you were sitting rather unglamly at the table that yong marked as hers before studio started. So I guess that impression came from the way you sat"

"when u debate about things u can get very worked up suddenly lol maybe could try and talk calmly instead of getting kinda agitated."

"A person who thinks about what people say and not follow blindly. Helpful. Chill."

"Learn from your friends who are good at that [design work in general]" 

On the whole, the comments (all of them) tend to go off in different trajectories (sometimes conflicting) so it's hard to really zoom in on anything in particular

Honorable Mentions

"slippers are dangerous. what if someone slams a door on your foot..."

"okay lah there is no way i would say you are the kind of person who will just take other people's T square and never return since i got my T square back."

"wake up more easily!"

"As for advice, I would like to say that u might try to be a bit less serious sometimes and smile more, both in your interactions with pple and during presentations. You'll turn out to be even more charming person :D"

Just writing.

I was inspired to write because of this.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/dont-date-a-girl-who-reads/

There isn't going to be much of a point for this. I have no real "agenda" or "point I want to make". I just felt inspired to write, something.

Writing is the one thing I have where the gut takes precedence over the mind. In everything I've done, everything I've ever given a damn about, I've never been able to put down certain missed connections. Some things seem misaligned, unstraightened, or somehow off. And I'll always make it "perfect" but it never seems "right". That's why I've failed so many times at minimalism. Because I can't seem to put things down. I can't stop adding things and making changes until it overwhelms everything.

I've never been a great storyteller. I've observed myself over and over and as great and amazing as "that thing that happened" happened, I cannot never seem to bring it up to a level that "that thing" deserves. Except bad stories. I seem to have a knack for bad stories. Like the time I almost shot a guy by accident. Or the time I caused my platoon to get punished because of I wore slippers to the ground floor. Or the time I confessed to my crush and she said that she wanted to focus on her studies, only to find her with a boyfriend that lasted barely a month, one year later during her actually important exam year. Oh, and she met him for only 4 days prior.

I don't have many good, good stories.

Travelling is one of the greatest luxury that this generation has, second only to instant and global reach of the internet. As much as I hate transportation, I'll always love train rides. And train stations.

I don't have very many great stories from my travels. They are all captured by many small moments from great friends I've made. All we did was take a walk in the park and buy cakes or beer and just talk about life and each others' culture. And they make terrible stories,

but I loved each and every one of those moments.


http://wherearemyheels.com/2012/05/12/date-a-boy-whos-travelled/ 
Another article that sums up how and why I enjoy travel. Especially the coming home part.

last one before dawn

one last stream-of-consciousness post before I sleep. That means, no editing, just thoughts in barely readable sentences.

So right now, every time i go onto facebook or talk to my friends, I feel a tinge of regret because I really missed out on a lot of things. This feeling is strongest when it comes to hall events because it's people you see on a daily basis and even better, you see them AFTER you finish school, when you start to chill.

Next year, I'm probably going to join at least one sport and RHOC, assuming it doesn't create a horrifying experience for me. I want to do more, I want to participate more, and I want to make more meaningful connections. At this point in time, I allocate roughly 95% of my time to my school work and 5% to Hall. To break it down, I spend approximately 2-4 hours per week for hall stuff, including meetings and making stuff like posters and decorations, while I spend about, 12x7 =84 hours a week doing school work. Because school of architecture is ridiculous.

And right now, I am incredibly disillusioned with school work. I don't see the point of an education under these tutors and TAs. I honestly don't see myself doing much more poorly if I hadn't spent that much time on it. It feels like one of those things when you put in hard time and get pretty much the same result as if you spent like an hour on it. It's just ridiculous. And because of my school work, I have missed out on so many times when I could be hanging out with friends and enjoying life.

and the weird thing is, I wouldn't feel this way if the time I put into school work bore any fruit. It's easy to regress into the high school mentality of studying during last minute because it's not like it's going to make much of a difference.

when i see pictures of Dinner and Dance on facebook, i get pretty upset that i had to miss it because of school work. and like what i said above, since it doesn't bear fruit, it doesn't seem like a fair exchange. Why be miserable and learn so little and worse have little to prove for it, when I could be out enjoying the company of friends and have just as little to prove for it.

Every time a social gathering or just talk cock session arises, I find myself consciously sacrificing that moment. those moments start to accumulate and they become a blotch on these memories. What could have been instead of what it is now.

It is quite disappointing.

I'm not sure how much more I'm willing to commit to Hall stuff next sem. I'm really leaning on the side of spending more time in hall, simply because it's a more meaningful experience, both in terms of people and in terms of spirit. It seems stupid to sacrifice relationships for something that's not producing results. It barely even produces any meaningful lessons or educational worth.

I think I've gotten over the naive expectation of semi-greatness (which never really even happened in JC or high school, I just expected to be mediocre throughout.) 2 semesters worth of pointless soul sucking work has taken its toll i guess. I was lucky enough to have a good tutor in sem 1 so I didn't struggle as hard, or to put it in another way, my struggles felt like they were in a good direction, so even when i fell, i knew my face was pointing towards where I wanted to go.

This sem is shit. I honestly loved my 2 lecturers for Akicon and Climate responsive Arch, both of whom are senior lecturers and very good at what they do. But i think its something more. It feels like they both care about their area of expertise and more importantly, they care about the students. Maybe it's something that comes with age.

I realized I've been pretty selfish this semester. All my thoughts have been about myself. It feels somewhat like it violates my spirituality. As if some higher mental capacity is calling me to resist this natural urge and I have failed somewhat spectacularly throughout university. It never became this bad. I haven't been THIS pre-occupied with my own thoughts about myself for a while, especially when I'm doing work. I usually do it only when I'm reflecting. It used to be something I could put aside when I needed to focus on getting something done. Now, it's just ridiculous i guess.

How to justify suicide

Because I have a friend / friends who are just as morbid as I am. And we have been grappling around that idea so long that it no longer has the same taboo around it (at least to us) as perhaps say, sex or human bodily functions like pooping.

The inspiration for writing an article actually came from an NUS confession comment, where someone was bitching about being able to use an electron microscope whatever (worth 800k) after 1 hour of training but not being able to go rock climbing in Utown unless he had a week-long "national standard" instructor course, whatever that means. The important comment that someone said was and I quote

"maybe life > 800k"

That was a very interesting thought. Because we can instinctively understand that life is worth so much, that it is definitely worth more than this obviously low number of $800,000.

But is there a point where we are able to say, hmm, ya his life was worth ending for xxx amount.

Hank does an interesting analysis for this.

 

500k comes up as the US army's monetary value of life, which is what they payout to families when soldiers die under their charge. There is also a 6-9 million figure being thrown around. please look for the source in that video if you want to learn more.

My personal take on this is that when you're discussing monetary value specifically, it always ALWAYS boils down to supply and demand. If you're a faceless sheep in China or Russia (or even worse, middle east) their government is willing to send waves and waves of you into machine gun fire to the point where they hope their people outnumber your bullets (See: Korean war and most of their wars in fact). That is a crazy thought, for there to be so many people that a powerful organization can throw enough of them at you that they eventually run out of bullets.

On the other hand, if there is only one of you who can do something unique, say you are the only person who knows how to disarm a bomb that threatens the world, your value jumps up exponentially, not just because there is now only a single unit of you as supply, but everyone now demands you, from people who want to live to people who want you to die. So if anyone sends a bounty to get you, expect a lot of bling.

Monetary discussions aside, I think we're missing out on some "less concrete" arguments for ending a person's life. The important thing to note is that we're discussing the idea of killing yourself, because I would kill that bastard in studio at the drop of a hat if I had a way out of it, but then it would turn into a conversation about why you want to kill bastards around the world, and I'm not interested in that. Anyway, I think that a good way to look at justifying suicide is to look at whether living out one's life is worse than not living it. In most cases, it isn't; life is definitely worth living more than not. End Note: I never realised that this is a cost-benefit analysis until I wrote it out in complete sentences.

I think that people who say that no matter how hard life gets, its always better to live are naive. Sure it seems like that in Singapore, but other countries do exist. If I were a Jew and I knew exactly how Nazis were treating my people during the Holocaust, I would have no qualms ending my own life. Heck, I'd even end my child's life to spare him the misery.

Of course, that is the extreme end of the spectrum. It's the middle ground that's always murky. Personally, I have found 2 ways of judging this. First is when the problem doesn't seem solvable, even in the unforeseeable future, save for a miracle. Second is when I am not conscious of my actions and thoughts.

Unsolvable problems, in general, are usually health problems, especially in a first world country like Singapore. Things like the final stages of HIV and cancer seems to fit the bill quite easily. But extraordinary circumstances are also possible, like war, famine, drought, etc.

"What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind" -Dan Quayle. I am quite afraid of dementia and Alzheimer's to be honest. I can't imagine living a life and not being able to catch a though coherently, even in my own brain. It would feel like being lost in an immense library, there are huge walls of books surrounding you, but you can neither understand them nor find people you know. Best case scenario, I have some idea of who my loved one is, but can't recognize who they are or why they are important. I think that scares me more than anything else. But it's not a thought I entertain very often because it's still (hopefully) a long way from now.

Things like comas sort of put things is a difficult area to classify because they always seem like there's a cure for it, but not really. "Holding out" becomes a mental and emotional drain, especially for loved ones. Previously, I would have let my loved ones decide when to take my own life off the resuscitator, because they have a stake in it, emotionally, but now I think it's honorable to not have to put the burden of making the decision to terminate my life on their shoulders. They would simply follow the instructions on my will and not feel like they CHOSE to end my suffering. It alleviates some of the pain of it, I guess.

The last 3 or 4 paragraphs seem a bit unsatisfactory to me, because I got derailed to join a softball game in the middle of writing this. So yeah, there's that.

P.S. I was reminded of this person I read about before, Philip Gale, who despite being a computer genius and making upwards of a million by the age of 17, or perhaps because of it, committed suicide at MIT.
I really resonate with the things he said because it didn't seem like an impulse decision or a short term event that triggered it. This was his suicide note

"Presumably I have jumped from a tall building. [...] I am not crazy, albeit driven to suicide. It is not about any single event, or person. It is about stubborn sadness, and a detached view of the world. I see my life—so much dreary, mundane, wasted time wishing upon unattainable goals—and I feel little attachment to the future. But it is not so bad, relatively. I exaggerate. In the end, it is that I am unwilling (sick of living) to live in mediocrity. And this is what I have chosen to do about it. The saddest part is the inevitable guilt and sorrow I will force on my family and friends. But there is not much I can say. I am sorry. Try to understand that this is about me and my 'fuked up ideas.' It is not because I was raised poorly or not cared for enough. It just is. [...] take care world, Philip." Gale closed his handwritten suicide note with a smiley face and the words "And stay happy!"

P.P.S I'm not going to leave my parents behind so long as they are still alive.

Miscom

So I have this problem for as long as I can remember. I always tend to misunderstand what people are saying. Usually this manifests itself in what most people call "wrong frequency" where 2 people have a conversation for a few lines before realizing they are are actually talking about different things.

I have that quite often in my life, so people who notice this would call me a himbo, even though I fit none of the other characteristics. It does give the impression that I am blur, though.

The reason I'm writing this now is because I anticipate having another one of these episodes this coming Saturday, where I'm having my critique. My tutor (to my ears) said that it was possible to have you analysis diagrams at a different scale from (larger or smaller than) the actual technical drawing. I predict her saying something totally obvious that I've already noticed before she gave me the "advice", like:

It's supposed to be the same scale so you can compare them

but you said the analysis diagrams could be at a different scale so long as you can understand them.

No, I said that you can do that for you site plan (one of the analysis)

or something like that...

The hardest part about this continual "wrong frequency syndrome" is the difficulty of explaining to someone that you actually get it and have actually got it since the start once they have made up their mind that you're blur and borderline retarded.

So Here's the Truth

Partially anyway.

I no longer expect to do well this semester. I had pretty high hopes at the start of the sem, but after everything that's been going on recently, it's getting harder and harder to keep those hopes up.

The reason my last post was of Aang the monk meditating was that well and truly, I expected to use this short 1-week break to sort out my thoughts. All of them.

As of Friday, 3.43 am, I've had maybe one day to do it, less actually. And nothing's really been sorted out. In fact, I broke down even harder at home than I did at school.

The weird thing is that it's really all just small minor things, not like somebody died or me getting expelled. It's just really minor things that happened to hit all at the same time. It's overwhelming. And I'm having trouble picking myself up. The things I used to do that sort of gave me a little encouragement seemed to disappear. My old friends aren't at the studio much now and I've stopped talking to my old kakis in the hall.

This embargo that I've set (for myself) was intended to see or show how much I was valued as a friend, how much my "friends" would need or miss me when I go. I ended up proving how needy I was. I am genuinely disgusted with that. I sought to be independent most of my life and today, I find myself struggling to stand up.

The small silver lining is that at least, unlike last time, only half of these things are caused by myself.

I don't know what to do and I just want to let go. Of everything. I haven't had an emo post like this in a really long time. That was intentional. I wanted to put that side of me in a closet and lock it up.

I am sick and disgusted of myself for all of my problems. For once, I don't blame anybody else for all that has happened. It's enlightening, and yet burdensome at the same time.

All I know is today, I'm not happy with this version of Glennard.

Time for peace and quiet

An aside on JC demographics

There is a recent trend on my facebook wall where friends (mostly female) are sharing pictures of orientation in their JCs. Naturally this stirs up the "nationalist-esque" part and HEY MY JC IS BETTER THAN YOURS!!!

This wasn't something we could say 4 years ago, when we were still in school. We barely even say it now. Objectively, we have become better, much better than anyone expected, but we still can't say we're better or even on the same level as most people.

I think it's only natural that we have this inferiority complex. Nobody genuinely wanted to be there during orientation of 2008. During appeal period, we were looking at more people leaving than entering.

Today, there has been a massive, almost stunning turn of events. People actually wanted to be there, for possibly the first time in the school's history. I'm sure it will flabbergast many people if they went back to talk to the students.

It does raise a problem though. (of course it does.)

Currently, we are at 13 points for both arts and science stream. 13 points used to mean a hell of a lot, but what's more telling is that there are now fewer 2-digit schools. Only 3 schools stand "below" us in terms of cut-off points and they all happen to be in the West. There is a seemingly large gap between 13 point schools and 16 point schools. In fact, most schools seem to be clustered around these numbers, 20, 16 ,13 and then 9 and up. I'm sure statistically there is something interesting about this regarding the effect of Higher Chinese being more widespread in schools and CCA points adding up but I'm not interested in that (ok I'm not THAT interested enough to start a new post)

As an alumni member (alumnus?), seeing the alma mater "level up" and be on par with our neighbours is definitely very satisfying. AT FIRST. but then there is a tinge of sadness that people of our calibre today would not have had the same opportunities that we had. Today, if I were to be applying for school all over again, I would more likely be travelling toward the West side to get a JC education.

I believe this is a serious enough factor to consider a polytechnic education as a potential alternative, regardless of how much the kid would have wanted to study in University.

The inner workings of higher management in JCs and the education Ministry in general is not something I am privy to. However, if the principal really does have any kind of influence over the intake of students, it would be a serious time to consider deflating the cut-off for my school.

My conversations with teachers have revealed that there hasn't been a marked increase in intelligence of the students coming in in recent years. Of course this is subjective and should be take with a pinch of salt, but nevertheless, it should be noted that our teachers have been capable to educating those who would be rejects in other colleges to a level that could be a serious competitor on a national level. 

Thus, I feel that it is in fact prudent to lower the cut-off score artificially for the school, not just for the sake of the national population, but for the school as well. I think it's a much more beneficial endeavour to take in students selectively, regardless of their score. Either way, we would be taking students that are on the lower spectrum of students who are eligible for JC anyway. 

In an ideal situation (enough manpower and time to filter through all CCA and testimonial records), I find it much better to accept students who have either shown a serious commitment to either their education or to their chosen area (sports, music, CCA, etc). And I don't mean superficial things like Achieved Gold in SYF. It's more of a soft skills and personality approach. Generally students who have revealed the ability and willingness to persevere and sacrifice for their, and I hate to use this word but, passion.I believe such qualities, even when shown in areas outside academia, can be properly tapped and channelled towards school work and, perhaps even more crucially, create a on-the-whole, more focused student body.

Those are just my 2 cents. Of course in an ideal world, the 4 great wizards would put a bit of themselves in a hat and let that decide after their passing.

Singapore: Work in progress

Given that there's only 10 days left til the end of the year (coincidentally, Mayans ended/reset their long count calendar today), I thought I'd give my 2 cents on the state of my country.

This post was inspired by this picture. 

I think it's simpler to list down our current problems and see if we can draw any possible links. Also, it happens to be my first train of thought seeing as I am the cynic that I am.

Good education, over-taxed teachers. No "soft skills" taught. Little creativity encouraged. 

Good roads, high COE, too many cars on the road. Public transport failing these past 2 years. Esp MRT, bus and even taxis. 

This past year, I have been deeply disappointed by our transport system. It's the first time where it has failed and to such an extent. Firstly, MRTs break down and passengers were not given any real sense that things have changed. It genuinely feels like we are doing the same things hoping that they won't go wrong again. Now I get that it could be a case of old machinery breaking down. But the least the public can expect is an improvement. I tried to come up with an apt analogy but I couldn't, because of the crucial importance of the transport infrastructure and the role it plays. 

The bus system also messed up spectacularly recently. With the recent bus "strikes", 2 things can be seen. Firstly, that the past fare hikes apparently have not made a significant dent in the high operating costs of SBS and SMRT that they actually need to raise fares again just to compensate the bus drivers properly. I was led to believe that the past hikes were SPECIFICALLY meant to reduce such issues. Secondly, our system of handling strikes is retarded. No self-respecting citizen in a developed country right now can look at the way we dealt with the PRC drivers and be impressed. It's clear that they are being taken advantage of and it's shameful that we dare to call ourselves a first world country when a public transport company (and by extension, the government which backs it) blatantly disregards the concerns of the its employees. I honestly cannot believe that they are being deported. Seriously. Right now, nobody will deny that anyone who participated in that strike are on some sort of blacklist handed among the employers right now, deemed as the troublemakers that they are. (this is conjecture and should not be taken as fact)

It is precisely this behaviour that scared citizens into voting for the PAP for the last 40 years. Singaporeans have always been too scared of what the government is capable of.

Media censorship more prominent, with the rise of social media. More people displeased with govt and starting to speak up. Voter apathy still an issue with regards to "real" change.

Issue of immigration. Locals emigrating seems to be a universal goal among the young, as opposed to choosing to stay in this country. This speaks volume about not just the economic environment of Singapore but the social aspects as well. A point to consider might be the fact that even though travelling is now significantly easier, many people have not truly considered the implications of emigrating long term or even "mid" term (i.e 5-10 years).

In terms of foreigners entering Singapore, the trend is that we have become a lot closer to Malaysians as a result of the "perceived" "threat" of PRCs. Currently, foreigners (key note people who are "visibly" foreign, e.g. Bangladeshi, PRCs, Ang Mohs, occupying the low, mid, high income and social status respectively. of course this is an over-generalization.) are starting to make up a significant portion of our society. And to put this bluntly, they are no longer a small enough population that we can hide them in our construction sites, hawker centers and super atas bungalows and housing areas. It's easy to dismiss large groups especially when they are grouped because we can avoid them and pretend they don't exist in our larger picture of the local society. I think we passed that proportion of foreigners-to-locals roughly 5 years ago or even earlier where most people could sense their "territory" and "culture" being encroached upon. The white collar workers probably sensed it much earlier because that's been on the lips of most unemployed since forever.

Currently, it doesn't "feel" like there's an employment squeeze. But from what I hear everywhere, it appears to be so. Unfortunately, I don't know any job market to comment intelligently. The only thing I know is that we appear to be outpaced in industry, outmatched in sought-after skill sets and losing out in terms of wages. Everything we can do, foreigners seem to be able to do faster, better and cheaper. So the question comes up. Can we realistically compete in such a market, or are we doomed, to put it in simple words? Putting aside the question of wages because I feel that the cause is pretty simple (cost of living combined with high expectations), what are we missing in terms of quality? I think that if we are able to make ourselves distinguishably better (broader skill set for example), it would solve both problems because we would be creating an additional value for the employer which would (hopefully) outweigh the additional cost, particularly in knowledge-based economies where value is based not on the quantity but quality. Currently, I feel that, perhaps as a human folly, we have not been able to fully quantify the value of quality and hence, there is a leverage for "quality" employees.

Then again, I'm not young enough to know everything.

PS. I'm too lazy to elaborate on half of them, so I'm leaving them as it is.

Fact: There are finite resources in this world.

... but there are infinite wants: Economics

... and we have enough for what we need: Philosophy

... but can we discover more: Science

... so how do we makes the most out of each: Engineering

... so who decides who gets what?: Politics

... how do make the most money out of that?: Business

... how sad: Art

Everyone's worrying about their CAP score

You know what's the most dangerous thing they made about the CAP score? There is no passing grade. There is only a maximum grade and when people leave that grade by only a small percentage, it looks horrifying compared to a perfect 5.

Passion

It's been a long time.

Also if you're wondering why I haven't posted a birthday post this year, it's because I actually had a pretty great time.

Anyway, to the topic.

The main reason why I haven't been updating for the last 6+ weeks was "mainly" because I was busy doing Architecture work in uni. And I don't use the word busy lightly. A brief glimpse of the busiest week of my life: I slept 3 hours plus half hours plus 5 minutes on the last day before crit and by thursday, I couldn't remember what happened on monday. Also, I spent less time outside the studio than I did sleeping, and yes that meant I slept in the studio 90% of the time.

But aside from that, it's interesting to note why people do it. Why do people put themselves through such a rigorous workload to come out only marginally richer or more respected than the average graduate? One thing I've heard pretty often when people (year 1s) try to rationalize is that at least this is more interesting than reading history texts or doing math. And I totally get that. But is simply being interesting enough to get you to stay on the ride for the next 5 years?

Passion seems to be the big thing at play here, and I want to clarify that I have no concept of what passion means. I have never really truly "felt it". I don't know what drives olympic swimmers to go through the regime that they do, or why writers become so attached to their jobs. It doesn't mean I can't feel love for an activity or a thing, I mean I love pool, video games and magic tricks but it never seems right to say I'm passionate about these.

To me, my understanding of passion simply refers to this strange human attachment to something that's so intense it pushes you to do things most people wouldn't. So most intense work regimes fall under this category, olympians, writers et cetera.

But does what I do fall into this category? It's certainly "inhumane". It's not something everyone really fully comprehends until a week later when the weekend becomes 72 hours long and you spend every single one of it in the studio, thinking it's still saturday when you're 2 hours away from the first lecture on monday. It's not easy work. And I do it. Every so often I'd ask myself why I'm here, and I can never get a real answer. I'm just here for the ride I guess. I don't love architecture. I mean it's interesting, but I love to hang out, play some pool and chill on the couch more than I love architecture. Architecture is interesting, but it's no passion. I don't think I'll ever feel as much for anything else like history or writing or engineering. Meanwhile, I'll just keep on trucking.

"True-Blue" Singaporean

Even Singaporeans don't want to be Singaporeans.

I feel sad the Feng TW's name is the one we are dragging across the mud because of the problems that we have, ones that we made ourselves, whether we like to admit it or not.

Balcony Sessions: July 12th 2012 8pm

These are the balcony sessions:

The unhappy are often the greatest poets. Nobody ever picked up a pen and paper when they are satisfied with life.
So now you know a bit of context.
I don't think this mess of words with no real direction will ever be comprehended at a later time. I think it's best for all parties involved.

I wonder when was the last time I just sat and looked. The combination of Fahrenheit 451 by Ray (as explained by John Green) along with a status update of another of my friend finding an SO messes with your head a little. That, along with some travel fatigue.

Here I am, eating the shittiest pizza of my life along with some Fanta, writing on the back of a pizza menu, in Milan of all places.

Have I ever mentioned how beautiful horizons are. I guess technically it's all one long horizon. When I first started this trip, I was in the Van Gogh museum and many artists were lamenting the vanishing of nature everywhere as everyone moved towards city life. I remember walking along those aisles thinking, what could be so great about nature. Stop being such pussies.

Today I'm watching the sky from the balcony, the soft blend from pink to green to blue.

I'm not sure if I really want to go home. I guess I want to do both just as badly.
In retrospect, I should have kept the lid close. My shitty pizza is now cold as well.
I think I just want a friend to talk to. Recently, I found out that I lost her number. I actually lost my SIM card a few weeks back and the only reason I frantically checked my contacts was to make sure I didn't lose my only way to contact her. Yesterday, I found out that of all the contacts that I saved, hers was the only one that did not have a number attached to a name.

Fahrenheit 451 reminds us of the concept of mindless entertainment. That I could forget what I just watched on the telly not 5 minutes ago. I'm genuinely afraid I have become that. To be not dead but not really alive.
When was the last time you felt alive? Asked John. I couldn't answer. Has my memory really gotten that bad or is my life really that pathetic?
Neither sounds promising.

We all look for quick escapes. Drugs, food, drinks, sex. "The little death" Le petit I can't remember. That's how the French describe the orgasm. Is life so meaningless that we see escape, many willing to risk injury or death to do so?

I don't know.

A week ago I made the realization that I was only attracted to her because she remained the only female peer I have "semi-regular" contact with.
A smart person once told me that what I feel is not so much jealousy or envy of love, but more of an envy or jealousy of time lost among friends. By all accounts that makes sense, but it doesn't make me feel better. I still feel whatever it is that I feel inside and there's no one around to get it out. When I finally do see my friends, my jaws will probably shut tight and nothing will come out. It's strange how the truth is never kind. Yet, it is the one thing I seek in life.

I wrote once that this feels like losing a race nobody knew they were participating in. I don't know why.

I think I'm tired of hearing "I'll find you" or "I'll ask you" when nobody seems to do so. When you have some quiet to yourself, you do a lot of thinking. I'm having a lot of quiet these past few days. I'm not so sure I like it.
I feel like I can no longer use my mouth. Like words stop coming out the moment they carry any depth or emotion. I need a pen or a computer to put any thoughts into the physical realm. It feels really weak.

Now the sky has turned a lighter shade of purple.

I met a person who asked me why bother living if there is no heaven.

What if there wasn't?
I could never wrap my head around his logic.

Right now my thoughts are so segmented, they are just a string of phrases that jolt in and out of my head.
I can now smell the night coming in as the sky turns ever so dimmer.

Milan is supposedly renowned for its nightlife. I always gave people the excuse that it sucks to go clubbing by your lonesome self. I have a secret to admit. I've actually rejected invitations on 2 separate occasions to party, giving some lame excuse each time. I don't know why. Maybe I'm just not secure enough to drink alcohol.

I'm really tired now. My entire face feels like it's drooping. But if I know myself well enough, I'm probably going to stay up using my laptop later.
I envy the optimists. I sit here thinking I'm going to have these sessions 10 years from now in the exact same state and I wonder how they keep going each and every day.

I'm suddenly reminded of my friend's death. Sometimes I wonder if I qualify to call him a friend when I was never that close to him. The sky is now a pretty even shade of grey, with a bit of light still coming from the right.

Streetlights are starting to come on now.

Time to time, I still think about him. How I'd rather take his place instead, or use any of the thousands upon thousands less great than him.

We never became great poets because we were happy.

Thanks for listening to me talk about myself.


P.S. 24/7/12: For clarification, there are actually 2 "hers" in this wall of text, spread over 4 pages of A4 paper. I've done as little editing as I can, just commas and fullstops here and there, to retain the scattered "style" of writing. I think enough time has passed that I'm at least somewhat detached from those emotions that day. Well, writing it down certainly helped.

Singapore and the push for a "well-rounded" education

Post Script: This was not what i planned to write initially a few weeks ago when i said i had stuff i wanted to say. That one mostly pertained to the City Harvest Church scandal and the case where some guy lost his rifle to a worker with a screwdriver.


I just wrote this after watching a video on youtube and felt some words on my brain that I wanted to get out on paper.

My single greatest fear should the government succeed in pushing for an all-rounded education is that if raffles and all the other top schools start taking it seriously, our mentality will change from seeking exam-smart students to seeking to be the best at everything from sports to music to arts to academia. We have a messed up mentality, especially at the top, of wanting to be the best or the first at anything and everything. If the criteria switches (or more likely evolves slowly over time into such a state), we will eventually start looking for "perfect" people who are good at everything and that simply doesn't exist. Our blind enthusiasm towards "being the best" will lead to people not committing suicide because they scored a C or D in major exams, but because they couldn't run fast enough, even though they've been good at everything else. It's always a pity when kids kill themselves because they think they are failures at life for failing exams. I don't want that to spread to the rest of their pursuits. I want kids to fail. I want them to screw up at painting or running or guitar because that's where they learn some  goddamn humility, not shame for trying and failing.

Think about the way we treat CIP and voluntary work and you can see a little of what might possibly happen with pushing all fronts. The environment at the top currently, is that more or less everyone will do CIP but often for less than satisfactory reasons. Many of them hate doing it, but just suck thumb and do it. This may not be a overall majority opinion but we know it happens and we can assume it's not an extreme minority. I don't want to music or arts or sports to evolve into something kids hate doing just to pull up their resume or testimonials. I want there to be something worth doing just for the sake of doing it.

The entire idea of a well-rounded education is not to produce people who are good at everything. Singaporeans and people everywhere must always remember that. It is to protect people whose interests and talents lie outside the academic sphere. It should be more of a safety net to catch those who can't perform in exams. Because those people aren't useless. They certainly aren't useless for getting F at math. They may be amazing tailors or athletes or guitarists. Education is supposed to help everyone, including people like them.

Education is not linear.

to be written. at some point provided I don't lose interest

Yes, i also have some stuff I want to write here but I don't have time to write them here.

Europe: Here and Now

Hey, I don't want to double post this but here's a quick preview. I made a blog just to chronicle the entire europe trip and I hope you support it because there's ads and stuff. Anyway, here's the link: http://glennardvstheworld.tumblr.com/

Alternate Title: I’m in London for 12 hours and I’ve only almost died twice. You can trust me mom.

I think of all the countries I’m going to be in, this will probably resemble Singapore the most. Even then, there are a lot of stark differences between these 2 places. For one thing, there are a lot more stone and brick visible to the casual observer. Everything in the background looks as if they have a brown or grey filter over it. Side note: This is how I almost got into 2 separate traffic accidents because the pavement and road looked so similar in colour that there was no visible distinction.

But don’t let the first photo trick you. It is actually a lively city and you can see a lot of contrasts between the “lively” and its backdrop. everyone always seems to be trying to get somewhere but you never feel the rush or pressure to get anywhere. you could just stand there and stare at the ever-moving crowds and enjoy the view.

Beer seems to be the drink of choice here, with overcrowding at most bars that we passed by, so much so that they actually have standing areas right outside. 

It’s been raining over these past 2 days and I’ve been caught in both of them.  Hopefully, it’s sunny out later. 

Hello world

This post should act as some kind of disclaimer. I foresee a few new students stumbling onto my facebook page and seeing that I in fact do have a blog. (I actually realized it's much harder than I expected to find this page) No matter.

If you do choose to read beyond this post into my history, do take what I say with a pinch of salt. I am an incredibly vulgar person, (which at this point I'm still debating if I want to tell that to you guys in the first place), and the views represented in my history is one of a younger kid, one much like yourself or even younger, if you choose to go that far. Some of the views I present are pretty one-sided and in terms of language, horrible.

But I'm choosing not to take it down or hide it because I think anyone, and most importantly you guys, should be able to discern what to listen to.

That said, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Cycling

Also, I did some cycling yesterday. I have literally one photo. The other one is just a generic photo of East Coast Park.

Creativity

At some point in time, I wondered to myself what drives artists to make art. I wasn't looking for some passionate answer about motivation or drive or some feel-good mumbo jumbo like that. There's a pretty obvious disconnect between those in the creative industries and those outside. And I wondered why that was. What separated those who do from those who don't.

It in interesting to note that when it comes to creativity, some people firmly believe in being "gifted" and some believe hard work overcomes all. Because creativity comes in various forms of expression, it became too overwhelming to think about how much of an effect training actually has. So I decided to use a parallel, and the only one I could come up with was humor. Being funny comes naturally to some people. And some people manage to turn that into their day job. So why then do schools for humor training still exist, like improv schools and acting schools for comedy?

My belief is that it is an innate ability, just like creativity, cultivated perhaps only when we still have permission (or perhaps freedom) to make mistakes. That time period is usually when we're still very young, still unaware of social pressures like guilt or fear. But more importantly, it comes in 2 parts, the ability to see the world differently, and the ability to translate that to a medium. Of course, such an ability is not a dichotomy between haves and have-nots but a sliding scale. That still doesn't answer the question of why formal training still exists.

Training acts as a funnel to direct part 1 to part 2. Many people go through life with the ability to see things differently, but never able to put it down onto paper or film or any other medium, which is one of the most frustrating thing in the world. You can never expect a good writer to paint well or a sketch artist to direct a film. Some people may have skills that translate well across mediums, but it's unreasonable to expect so from most people. What training does is that it simply refines your skill at putting it on a medium. That's why lessons are focused on particularly technical aspects, like shadows, or pacing or special effects. They have nothing to do with what you can envision in your mind, merely how to show it to other people more spectacularly.

And the reverse is also true. Some people have a marvellous ability to draw or paint or write, but not much of creativity per se. So they perform best imitating the work of other. A lot of them do incredible work, but they lack the originality that makes artists artists. Many times, these are the people that training cannot help.