Those we call leaders

I wasn't sure if it was the 2 hours of lying on the bed, or just hall-related anxiousness, but I started to think about my life. About those that made me who I am today.

And I find it quite hard to run away from my past in NPCC. In fact, it wouldn't be an unfair comment to say that everything I know today, everything that I am today is a result of those 4 years and the very impressive people who taught me what it meant to be a leader. Because even now, when I look at my achievements, and by extension, my failures, I see the unmistakable touch they had in my life, even 10+ years on. There were 4 people who impacted my life the most, because they ultimately shaped the idea of what a leader should be. Even after so many years, and so many other experiences in JC, army and Uni, I still see them as the example I want to follow. I still think back to the words that they said and the actions that they took to guide me now. 

I will always remember these stories, as a testament to how impressive they were. Maybe the words I'm about to write will not do the same for you, but being there did it for me. And it's always the small things that matter in the end, not the grand gesture or speeches on the podium, it's always the little things.

~You can always tell who is amazing at holding attention. We were at a captain's ball game outside of school and we were losing, even though we were one of the hot favourites. Half-time. Joey calls everyone around him, even though he was just there as a visitor. Supposedly he had some other duty at some game station but just came by to watch. Anyway, he's there when nobody expects, and he just asks everyone to squeeze around him. He doesn't talk very loudly, not the way he normally does anyway, but you can see everyone around just listening to him intently. He's not a very tall guy, but even the tallest bends down to listen, sweat dripping of his brow. That's what commanding respect looks like. You don't need the voice or the gesture or any other gimmick if you have their attention, their respect. 

~There was this once when we were nearing the end of sec 3. And it was a normal weekly training, not some camp or whatever. The officers and senior NCOs pulled the entire cohort to a classroom, where the tables and chairs were already moved to the side. We all sat on the ground, the lights were off and the windows were closed. So even though it was still day time, there was only little light shining through whichever window panel was already missing. Joey sat on the table with legs swinging off the ground, while the other seniors just sorted themselves around us, not really doing anything except wait. I particularly remember Jia Hao closing the door and standing beside it with arms folded, as if  to stop any of us from leaving. Then Joey spoke, "I'm going to address each and everyone of you all individually. So what I say to your squadmate beside you may not make sense to you. Everything I say or any of the others say will not leave this room." We've never had this kind of conversations before so it didn't really register in my head and he sounded off to each individual, one by one, starting from the back. Then it came to my turn and he said, "Shi Li Pai was never meant to separate you from the others, it was something we said to encourage them." The confusion of contextless information you are experiencing right now is the same as what I had experienced there on the spot. I was just so stunned that he moved on to the next individual. The reason I was shocked was because I never expected him or anyone to take notice of my passing remark, anyone to perhaps read my stupid blog. I was a nobody and I didn't expect anyone to pay attention. I was half-expecting him to say things like "you need to buck up and stand out more", more general stuff, not a remark like this. But what he said cut at the heart of how I felt exactly in my squad, that I wasn't one of the shi li pai. The very fact that someone outside my social circle, a superior to say the least, acknowledge my own insecurities meant a lot to me, even if I didn't know it at the time. That's why I cannot forget this story. Because he taught me to always take care of your guys, and that includes the little things, because they are a marker of much bigger things.

I don't even remember how I reacted after that. I think I was just too stunned to say anything

~I've always been a late bloomer back then. In a world where it is typical to leave school as a Staff Sergeant, second only to a Senior Inspector (but the whole school only can have 2), I have never even worn my Sergeant rank officially. And I remember exactly why that is because while I was technically promoted in sec 4, but I never had the chance to wear that during a parade, and never had a proper "promotion" parade, since my promotion came in the middle of nowhere. So I wasn't ever in a hurry to get the rank from Beach Rd anyway. And the reason I remember what my final rank was is because I had a friend help me buy it when she was passing by, because one of the more "show-face" type of parade was coming up and I wanted to wear it for the first time. Sure enough, I did the parade without it, and then after that, my friend say paiseh to me and pass me the rank from her pocket.

10+ years on and I still see myself unable to reach that "level", that "standard", that "shi li pai" that they were so many years ago. And I'm deeply ashamed, that after so many years, I still couldn't match up to, in other people's eyes, a standard that was on par with them all those years ago.

Sometimes, even today, I wish I could go back and ask them for advice for today's problems. For once, perhaps because nobody is left, I am given leadership positions. Something I struggle with internally because it feels like I don't have the right person to look up to today and ask for help. 

But regardless, 

I want to thank Joey, Jocelyn, Jia Hao and Hui Ying for showing me what leaders are supposed to be.

"I would rather have 10 people with the right attitude, than 40 who don't"

last week

last week i went to dental

got 2 fillings for my 2 front teeth, which hurt like hell cuz she (the dentist) needed drill so everytime i had to gargle, i could feel with my tongue, a hole in my 2 front teeth, like an apple after you take a bite out of it.

went to find hihs teachers, but they had stupid sports day so most of the teachers were gone according to the security guard, and it started to drizzle so i needed to get out of there fast, so i ran to the bus stop, and went to srjc. talked to a few friends who were still there and also some teachers. most complimented how much i slimmed down, which felt good. it really did. i'm not a vain person, no really i'm not, but it feels good for other people to compliment you.

anyway, talked to a few past teachers, most of them were rushing around to do their stuff and pack up and i just followed some of them around and talked as they walked. i talked to Mrs jerene tay about my appraisal and also some council stuff, went to see the 22nd council do teach the 23rd elects, which is really interesting, because they sounded quite like how sam and the others sounded last year. also saw some of the elects practice, i would have said something, but mrs tay talked about some girl "invading" the orientation and i decided to shut up to not embarass myself.

also talked to ms ni. went to her office to talk about stuff, generally stuff about school, also asked her about me, improvements and stuff. quite interesting to hear teachers talk about students when they're in the office. can't really say much of it here. but we did talk about my GP, even though i don't really ever need to use GP specific skills again.

that saturday i went out with hao xiang. it's been a long time since i saw one of those i used to call brothers. 3 years. too long. still had a great time after so long. still had a lot of laughs. didn't really do anything much. spent a lot of time walking around and queueing up, but it was still really fun. we waited for half hour before eating at suki sushi buffet. we tried to compete with each other to see who can eat the most. by plate number 14, i couldn't take it anymore, and he forced down one more plate just to beat me. we ended up laughing at each other and causing our stomach to hurt like hell because we laughed too hard. it was damn funny. we also played pool, which was fun. i miss pool.

it was a great weekend last week, i doubt this week would be as fun. heck, i doubt my whole block leave would be as fun as that weekend

reflections

my bro just came back from his npcc leisure camp
brings back a lot of old memories
went looking for old pictures and looking at old friends' blogs
wonder what happened

when did they become "old" friends
when did i stop talking to them
time does that

anyway
gave him a bit of advice before he went off to his camp
i don't think he needed much of it
he had a kind of friendly personality, which kind of made him stand out from the rest
he would make a much better cadet than me
at least in lower sec

anyway, he told me he got nominated for best camper, got third place
i felt really proud of him
but i din tell him
i think he would have been the first
but i din tell him

anyway, he also told me that a lot of my "old" friends knew that he was my brother
i wanted to drop by and pay a visit
but never did
it never feels appropriate
feel like getting some of my old squadmates and just see a campfire or something
never did
don't wanna turn up like an unwanted guest
so i never did
anyone who is still in holy np, invite me back for something leh !

i dun wanna go back by myself
it feels really awkward
the people whom i talk to tend to be busy
while the rest, i dont have much to talk about
on the HI anniversary when i went back, i literally had nothing to talk about
i just went up, said hi, talked about a camp for like 3 sentences and just said goodbye

it just feels really awkward
hard to explain

saw a lot of them grasp opportunities given to them
regretted i never did
they are planning for events for an area 7 of around 8-9 schools when they are 16-17
while i took on my first school wide organizing in J2
always felt i had late development
like im a late boomer
or just a late


thing

i used to blame other people for not giving me the opportunity to shine, especially people in higher position
but now in council, and seeing my brother, i realized that it was never because there was no opportunity
i just never grasped it
my brother showed me that
just a little too late i guess
but like the principal says
you still have a long way to go, i mean i'm not wishing you any bad luck
but are you sure that you haven't passed the halfway mark of your life

i sure hope so too

anyway, miss the old days
wish they were back
miss my old friends
wish they would talk
miss my uniform
wish i could do drills in

miss np
alot


i think this is all nostalgic

anyone who reads this, still in np, let's organize a get-together, put all the ugly memories behind us and enjoy each others' company for a day


had the principal's rally yesterday
quite long
but interesting
i can't really remember what he said
but i remember dreams, perseverance, not knowing where you are in life

and horse breaking
and that swimmer
and lky and marina barrage
and terry fox

and that's about it

hope my brother can excel in NPCC


www.lightamillioncandles.com

NEWYEARPLUSPOP

happy new year
but not much with the happy

i mean yeah i gt an xbox360(hinthint)
but i would have rather enjoyed more time out with friends and family
so it work both ways


last year i had a bunch of ppl whom i asked what they felt about me
that was so i could figure out what i did wrong last year and do it better in 2007
i wanted to do that again this year, but everyone seems so busy, no ones really online, so bo bian
everyone is busy as heels, so im bored


this holiday was supposed to be spectacular
i was gonna do this, do that, play this, play that
now it seems very meaningless
everyones off to work or whatever the heels they do
no fm with the 4 la liga teams
no soccer every week
no actual fun stuff
just work all the way
even the chalet was messed up ( the word "messed" is supposed to be replaced with the f word ) its called a 4hum chalet
not a private get together
the last time i checked 4hum had what 40 odd people excluding teachers
less than 20 were there
and even less stayed overnight
ending up with lots of excess food no one could eat( poor sherlyn, wee kiat, xin hui)
i mean hey its not their fault
but is the class of sec 4 humility 2007 seriously so pathetic, so spineless
or are we so very ashamed of our own class, we can't even come to a little gettogether, which they did not have the privilege of planing
BTW thanx to othe organizers of the chalet, sherlyn, xinui and weekiat and his parents! THANK YOU!!!





the biggest thing that happend before 2007 ended ( i used the term biggest loosely )
was POP
or passing out parade
it was the first of which we could use rifles or arms in the parade itself
so coming back to train brought back nostalgic moments
i honestly thought the parade itself was great
yeah there were a few mistakes here and there
but it happens
i just wished the day ended with the high from the parade.
the phototaking session after was also great

the party was abit less high
maybe it was because not all of us were there
the performance was there
the food was there
the atmosphere was there, thx alot to sec 1s and 2s
but something felt missing
i couldn't really pinpoint it
but i felt very strongly that it was because there were guests
i got the "vibe" that the people there were more or less entertaining guests
but thats just me you know

honestly, i know that everyone has put in alot of hard work for us
THANKYOUVERYMUCH
thanks
seriously



www.lightamillioncandles.com

NPCC

Definitely no regrets...

www.lightamillioncandles.com

Camp's Over

Sec 1 leisure camp is finally over

the hard work that most of us put in has paid off

although i wouldn't mind more manpower throughout the camp


I felt proud of myself after the camp, for the first time. Seriously. I felt that i have really contributed to my squad and the instructors. i just hope everyone else feels the same way about me!!

The preparation itself had a lot of hiccups along the way. mainly due to time constraints and the stupid after school lessons. Plus there were many things we really really din know until we became ncos, such as instructors can sleep on mattresses and kerosene bombs and ropes will spoil if they touch water. It's these little things that really gave us a lot of problems.


The first day of the camp was probably the worst. We were all very lax and left a lot of things to let the senior ncos do like suicide window, so we gt scolded basically. We din really know what to do cuz some went to help sec 3s but ci taking so we dun dare go near them then others try help suicide window but they are doing everything and we dont know what to do.the seniors also made a 5 spar flagstaff but it broke so we reduced it to 3. so the first day was nt quite successful
there was 1 sentence during debrief that i remember very well and motivated me for the next day. " You all know that you are short on manpower, so you have to do 2 person's work. My senior Ncos are only here to help you all, not run the camp for you all."

The second day was much better IMO. everyone knew what to do and we werent like first day keep running around aimlessly. but still quite problematic cuz cannot find each other when we busy. But our squad still can't motivate a large group of cadets, esp sec 1s, well enough yet, since they are more afraid of CIs than us. Another problem about taking squad is that, sometimes we dont know the priorties, whether to train them discipline first or to save time first so we usually get very confused over this matter, and thats when the CIs or senior Ncos start to scold us.
the main problem in this day was that a lot of us was too caught up in preparation that we din take the sec 1s at all, some people even played with flour and water. The campfire was successful but only after using wei quan's wood. our campfire nearly died cuz we din have a kerosene bomb and our wood wasnt dried properly. So lesson Learned here. the campfire really gt high after the sec 2 and 3 performance. YOU GUYS DID VERY WELL!! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!! thx to all who contributed esp the instructors.

Third Day was area cleaning plus urban hike. The urban hike was quite interesting but it was very tiring. WE WON. Our group was the first and we did it b4 lunchtime. THX Kelvin, elaine, woei jiun, wee kit, jun xian, jun liang(energizer), ming hui(map man), nina, lijing, Shenn Ma'am plus ME. if i miss out anyone must tell me hor. shenn maam gave jun liang a lollipop and he suddenly energize liao and walk dam fast. But he made us run cuz usually he reach checkpoint first.
lesson learned here is that mus keep encouraging cadets and let them navigate on thier own dun help too much.

The sec 1 leisure camp is over, Ive learnt many things as an NCO, i only fear that its too late.
When u try your best and people still shoot you down, that sux. THX jianyong for trying to up my morale

another reason to bang my head against the wall

...
...
...
we are no longer ncos anymore
..
we were not good enough
.
even the TOs said so

we have no initiative
no bonding
no telepathy
no respect for rank
no nco mindset

i am just 1 of them
i think im the one who pulled them down
i couldnt help them just because im tired
i always shout at people even though its not their fault
i bring peoples morale down
i make peoples worried about nothing ( me)
i waste other peoples time
i think they are better off without me
i just cant help them
i just cant make people listen
i just dont have the SHI LI
i just want to make them a higher profile squad even if
im not in it
i dont wan to be the best anymore
i just want everyone give their 75%
iz enough liao
maybe without me they can do better
i feel like biting myself
for letting them down
for not being SHI LI PAI
for simply being there when we are scolded
for not speaking up when i have ideas
for not making people listen when i shld make a decision
for not making decisions when i shld

im sorry
..............

every single decision i have made sucked until now
every decision others make rocks like hell
everything i do makes people piss off and scold me
everything others do gets them praise
but if they include me in what they do
the decision automatically sux

im sorry

i cant help yu guys
i cant do anything useful
i only make you all lose face

sry


BINGHUI NOW I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL...

You aint never gonna keep me down...

Friday
went to the steamboat at marina. Edwin and priscilla planned 2 weeks beforehand then on that day realised dunno how to go. hahas. after training go mrt wiat for them from 7.30 to 8.30 then decided to go. hwen we at the busstop waiting for them, gt 1 auntie keep harassing us saying what 1person $12 all that crap, she keep annoying us until the bus come lor. when we reach kang yue take alot of eggs then crack into the soup until the colour like milk liddat. so very little people use the soup only use the foil for cooking meat. then later, ms nai and mrs goh come join us. mrs goh always behind other people's back talk about them like say teacher lousy all that. after the steamboat, all the boys go arcade except takkin who wait for his parents with yang. ben and me went to the busstop to go back the mrt station. we didnt the bus was 1 way so walk for three stations until the we wanted to take taxi, then lucky gt bus come. the side at night almost no light 1, not like hougang midnight still so bright. reach home 12.30 kanna scolding by my mum. hahas

saturday morning
games day at north vista again like last year. we reach there then realised that we need to bring the challenge trophy. hahas. i played for tug of war but i only played for 1 match. we lost the challenge trophy that day but i feel that everyone gave their all including the instructors who were always by the side encouraging us. although we lost, i feel that we shouldnt have kept on complaining about the game like unfairness or whatever, it only makes us more angry and disappointed, instead we should tell our team good job everyone, its healthier that way.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=P-bWsOK-h98 ronaldinho, footballing great
blame the coach for putting him in a bad position

U noe that feeling ...

U noe that feeling u get when u work very hard for a veryhat long time and end up you completely hate the results?

that feeling that makes you feel completely worthless because u think that nothing good happens after so long?

that feeling that makes you feel like kill yourself because you are making others who are better than you seem average?

i realli feel very very hopeless rite now

i am the lowest profile in my squad

im like the" oh ya still gt glennard hor, dunno anyhow put him anywhere aso can la" that kind of guy.

here is my proof

(tears are flowing down onto my keyboard as i write them down...)

Third class

I last to take squad, every 1 tired, i shouted command worng for 3 times then they see me so pathetic then do la

score me 0-1

creative parade

first day never do much, second day help quite a lot becuz no time liao, but still get last

score me 0-2

MOI first try at campcraft

a lot of knots dunno, then dun dare to speak up, then maam come teach me and them, so pathetic

score 0-3

MOI first try at drills

although i tried my best, t=they say no style and i failed pathetically

score 0-4

MOI second try drills

I try to make my own style but still fail

score 0-5

words of commands

I cannot shout, cannot break up command, cannot have tone, cannot have the "zai" in my voice

score 0- 6

MOI after school

my style is encouraging words but becuz no one respond then i cant do much, summore i dun have standard in my drills, not even in the top five when they chose me in the drill team.

score 0-7

second class

do my best to shout, help jian yong yo the toilet and become very tired tts why i lousy in drills , but still fail

score 0-8

posting

no squad leader

score 0-10

no head of anything

score 0-11

no nothing useful

score 0-12

now there is exactly proof and reason why I am the lowest profile in the squad.

just the " still gt glennard leh, anyhow put la he aso cannot help much" type of guy

BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT, I LOVE NPCC!!!

The NCO CAMP 06,


I have only one word to describe it , MARVELOUS

It was 1 of the very very few times that I volunteered myself because i wanted to, not like usually because nobody wants to do it.
It was also 1 of the even fewer times where I was praised for my efforts in npcc as an individual.

Some of the highlights of the camp was the creative parade. My Creative parade grp gt Me,linda,guanzhong,gangyi,jingyi,cheeseng,junliang,eugene,weiting, still gt 2 more i forget name, lols pai seh. Basically, Come up with a unique parade that can involve anything. Sounds simple? HELL NO. We had no help from any instructors and we had no idea to start with. So the first day, Chee Seng was still in Msia and we cant teach him yet. Gangyi and me tried a few different ideas but in the end all throw in the dustbin. why? we realised for the first time that taking a squad is truly truly not easy. The sec 2s cannot concentrate and there was quite a few communication probs. So we were the slowest on the first day as the others had already started practicing. The next day was slightly better.we had 1 session before campfire prep, so we used the time to fuse all our ideas together to create a slightly better 1. Gangyi had an injury and cannot participate in the parade, but he really contributed alot. We managed to do about half of our parade but not enough time. Later, after the campfire, the instructors decided to change our bunk inspection to the actual parade, but WE HAVENT FINISHED PLANING. Fortunately, there was about ten minutes to prepare, and we did. but during the parade we forgot most of it like dressing and stuff so it ended up lousier than expected. but even tho we didnt win, i found it meaningful as it gave us an insight on being a squad leader.

Another highlight was the PT session. We had to take the sec2s for pt session for the very very first time. our group of PTIs include gangyi,junyuan,jesslyn,joanna,jianyong and me. jian yong and jesslyn looked around for safety measures while the others gave instructions and demos. I felt that it was quite good as every1s morale was high and every PTI participated. But the instructors felt that it was too long and we were "too high". Nonetheless, i still feel that all the PTIs did a good job.


Last but not least is the campfire. Its the first campfire we ever organized. before the camp we prepared a lot of firewood which took a lot of time. the campfire prep had the songleaders teaching the juniors cheers,while the runners and firefeeders(me) carried logistic items around. Our ic was jesslyn and junyuan. They did a great job of organizing us while the MCs gangyi and joanna were also good at bringing up the morale.

In an NPCC camp, there is bound to be takken-ing(scold and punishment) session. our session took place in the morning as the instructors wanted us to have a feel of nco standard before starting.

The first night of the camp was the bunk inspection. They were not happy with our bunks and wanted us to bring all of our stuff down to the parade square form our bunk which is at the third floor. Many of us, including the sec 2s dropped our stuff along the way. At the parade square, we were in pumping position as the instructors scolded us. Even our flag was rolled up as we were not able to portray what we wrote in our flag, SPEED SAFETY SERIOUS=STANDARD. Later, we went to wall for our half squat, we had to lean on some of squadmates for support. We were in that position for about 3-5 minutes. Our instructors were motivating us throughout even thought they were punishing us. They even took a photo of us in that position as a momento. It was really very touching, a few of us cried.

the second session was during the morning arnd 5 am. We were called down for a fire drill. every1 was late. jian yong woke me up and i couldnt even stand. my right knee was completely numb and i tried to stand three times but all land on my butt. lucky jian yong still nearby to pull me up. we gathered at parade square. 1 of the sec 2s was missing and the sec 2s were being scolded for not taking care of him. We had to help them search the entire school for him. I didnt bring my specs along so jian yong help me around. WE searched for a lot of time until the CIs decided to ask us return to bunk. After which we gathered for another fire drill. this time the CIs brought the missing person, joshua from the command post. He scolded the sec 2s as well as asked for reasons of the activity but they couldnt answer, so they pumped,recover,pumped,recover until they anyhow guess the answer. it was a good lesson for the sec 2s.

At the end of the camp, the instructors gave individual comments on us. I will wrote them here so i wont forget when i be an nco ( this is not to hao lian seriously)

You have done well in PT and MOI(method of instruction) but you should increase your profile in the squad.

I have really seen you grow up during this 3 days, you have don quite well in PT and MOI but brush up on your drills.

You are a firefeeder, you shouldnt forget your post and leave when you are needed.

You need to brush up your drills, but you have done quite well for your MOI and PT, good job.

good luck in your nco life and work hard for your post.

This NCO camp was amazing
I really want to thank all the instructors especially
SI Tan Jia Hao
ACI Lee Hui Ying
WCI Jocelyn Neo
CI Joey Pear

They really motivated our squad and me to push ourselves even further
I also want to thank my squad, Sec 3s 06 for helping me and each other throughout the camp

Joanna
Junyuan
Jesslyn
Jingyi
Gangyi
Jianyong
Chengboon
Anastasia
Linda
Guanzhong
Weichean
Joshua
Glennard

The sec 2s also helped out alot during the camp, thanks
As well as the sec 1s during campfire
THANK YOU FOR ALL THE MEMORIES

ATC + Mr Yeo = HUAT AH!!!!

Train TO Be A Leader

This is basically what the whole camp is about
something like a pre-nco camp without drills

trained to be a leader
to fight for our land
once for our lives
four years of our time
have you ever wonder why must we serve
cuz we love our unit
and want it to be first, to be first

looking all around us
people everywhere
children having fun
but we are holding gun
have you ever wonder why must we serve
cuz we love our unit
and want it to be first, to be first
The water at there s swimming pool water, suckz like hell hi spirit still nicer. The Atc very fast finish, Expected it to be longer.
This time i onli kanna 4 bites HAHAS

sianz, still need to prepare for nco camp and the graffiti

The end has a new meaning in my heart

Good News before the bad, the exams are OVER (ok they were over a long time ago)



BAd News, NPCC has just unleashed 3 activities in a row, BLESSING parade, ATC camp and NCO camp
firstly, the blessing is extremely significant cuz the principal likes it, or else no one wld have remembered it. She is trying to sell it to the catholics by making it sound good. i mean who cares, why should sumone care when u just feel like lazing at home rite?? For the first time, Im part of the GUARD OF HONOR, but before u celebrate, i DONT know how to do rifle drills as well as the sec 2s.

I wanna cry

the ATC camp is going to hurt me as we are going to UBIN AGAIN, YAYAY !!!! there is going to be a wet activity this time and i dont feel like bringin anything wet back home. worse still, we cant bring any home clothes there, onli np or skool shirts. its still quite okay compared to the nco camp

I wanna run away

Now, the NCO camp is going to be the highlight of this year, cuz we get to run a campfire for the first time. but i scared we not up to standard. the whole nco camp will decide what post we get. that alone leads to many questions. What if i dont get the post i want?What if Im not up to standard? What if The understudy NCOs are better then me? I WILL push myself this time, i realli hope i can do it. Joey told us today that our squad has been weak from sec1 to now. its true but its very demoralising to hear from an officer. He told us that there will be CONFIRMED understudys. that means we were not good enough to run the unit by ourselves that we need help from others. I realli wanna prove myself during the camp, i dont wanna let my seniors down. I dont wanna let me instructors down. I dont wanna let myself down (i am so selfish) but i realli hope to prove sumthing during this camp. maybe im just not cut out to be a squad leader. I realli wanna cry if i dont get the post i want. what will happen after that? i dont know. I hope i can be more iniative for my np life from now on.

I wanna hide from all my troubles and wait till they go away

Help me......